is this the new year?

I still need to come up with a song for 2011. This year's was "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson, but I have much higher hopes for myself for 2011 than just trying to get through every day and be okay. I'm thinking something magical and new along the lines of "Enchanted". I need suggestions.

we both know we're only here at this beach for the day

my new year's resolutions, continued:

- meet Ben Liebsch again (for the fourth time), and have a real conversation with him
- get invited to a T-Party and meet Taylor, crying my eyes out while doing so
- meet Christina Perri (since my chance was taken from me this month)
- meet Keltie Colleen, and then die happy.

resolutions

the beginning of the list --

this year, I want

- to find love & open my heart to it

- to give more love than I get, to pour as much love as I can into the universe

- to smile every day

- to take everything with a grain of salt, and never give anything more weight than it deserves

and we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Ending the year exactly the way I began it. Going back to this song, and being unexpectedly (and for no reason whatsoever) haunted by the same damn boy. Ugh. (Actually, that stupid boy stuff was two years ago, wow, but. Nevertheless. It's taking me longer than I thought, I guess.)

 This year, I made it to June (I think) without having to listen to Parting Gift on repeat and cry my eyes out, so I'd consider it a pretty successful year. There was only one small, dark patch there in the middle of the summer, but going back to school knocked me right out of that yucky disgusting blah funk.

This year, I painted my room (again), switching from dark red to light blue, and I feel like it really represents who I am right now, who I have worked so hard to become. I am not nearly as angry and bitter as I once was. There are still frustrating things that I deal with in my head, but I am working on it. I have very high hopes for 2011. I can't believe it's been a year; it feels like New Year's Eve, with my poor best friend feeling miserable on my couch all night, was just yesterday. Not almost 365 yesterdays ago.

I think I messed it up;

if i only knew how to stay

There is a reason this girl is my biggest hero in the entire world. After four years, I didn't think it was possible for me to love her more. I was wrong. Apparently, it is possible.

words to think about

"In the absence of true love and true joy, maybe it's best to treat happiness like any other need -- hunger, exhaustion, thirst -- factually recognized, functionally resolved."
-Hilary Thayer Hamann

For My Future Daughter

by Clare Pollard

Try not to think too deeply,

try not to think too well.

Heaven is in small details,

labyrinths lead to hell.

Take comfort from the squirrel,

take comfort from the moon —

like a hot-buttered crumpet,

a kind face in your room.

And if you are now older

take comfort in his smell,

the fact he's cooked you dinner,

the fact he treats you well.

Try not to think too deeply.

You never can be good.

You'll never find a home that

is not marked with some blood.

And sorry that I brought you

to a world where that's true.

The Protestants hate Catholics.

The Arabs hate the Jews,

and half the world hates you, dear.

But I loved your warm head 

before I'd even planned you.

I pictured you in bed

and kissed that absent soft-spot,

and though I am not there,

shut your eyes, squeeze my hand tight,

and though I won't be there

in some way I'll be there, dear.

That is how we persist.

My sweet thing, do forgive me

for selfishness. I kiss

you wherever you are now

and hope you're glad of life —

despite the violent weather,

despite the sudden knife —

and that you love that one gift,

that rare thrill of I am

as death pans out around you.

Hope that you do not damn

this mother who loved life so,

she hoped she'd live within

you, after: ball your fist, dear,

and feel your nails dig in.

one year later

this year i am thankful for keltie colleen, taylor swift, and christina perri. i am thankful for my big and my grandbig and all of my sisters and how often we make each other cry happy tears. i am thankful for my new room and can't wait to move in and decorate it. i am thankful for the chance to learn ballet this year; it has been amazing and i am sad that i'll have to wait till next fall for ballet two. i am thankful for the chance to learn french, and in a year i will hopefully be preparing to study abroad in paris. i am thankful for showering in my own shower and lighting candles. i am thankful for the gorgeous yellow roses sitting in a vase on my desk.

all that i have waited for all of my life

"Did you think it was me?"

"I hoped."

Sometimes we get lucky, and every once in a while we get exactly what we wanted. What we needed. And that is the best feeling ever. After having so much taken away from us and spending so many years completely alone, now there is finally someone there. A steady soul at your side, like a guarantee, like a promise. An expiration date that doesn’t exist. You might not be able to see it, but I am shining out from the inside. The sky has cleared, and it is beautiful. Suddenly nothing else matters except this girl at my side.

just gonna stand there

I absolutely love Emily Shock's work. lovelovelove.

"love shouldn't suck, ladies. get yourself a good one."

all i wanted was you & now i have it

I am the happiest girl alive.

go on and cry, baby

--Reasons for and Advantages of Breathing, Lydia Peelle

mine eyes have seen the glory

today is surreal in a fairytale sort of way. i was up before the sun and it was cold but we were all blinded and holding hands and half-asleep but still crying happy, loving tears. and then on the way back from breakfast five of us were piled into laura's tiny car with the windows down & the sun beaming on my face and we were singing all these things that i've done at the top of our lungs driving down holt. i am so proud to be a daisy. i love my sisters.

wings wouldn't help you

Holy crap you guys, how amazing is my girl doing this routine in COMBAT BOOTS of all things? Also I like the way hers look all laced up. I unlaced mine and they've started flopping down more. Also I wore them in the pouring rain last week, which apparently is bad for real leather, so a friend told me I should put that whatever stuff on them to protect them.

you are all that

I know who I want. I have already pinned my heart onto her sleeve. I care too much now.

I should've known

I wish someone had told me to be careful back then. Why didn't you tell me to get out? Yeah, I was happy then, but couldn't anyone tell it wasn't going to end well? He wasn't mine to begin with, and that wasn't going to change, no matter how badly I wanted it to. What we had amounted to nothing but a small residual ache in the corner of my mind.

it was enchanting to meet you

Apparently the universe decided I did need to run barefoot in my leotard and pink tights (again) through the rain after class today. Then I stripped down out of those wet clothes, put on dry ones and my combat boots just to run to work and get soaked all over again. Today has been tiring. But I do love the rain, and the first half of the day was oppressively still and freaking me out. The sky was cloudy and gray all morning and all afternoon, but it was neither hot nor cold and there was no wind, no breeze at all. It was like that eerie stillness before the sky explodes, but nothing was happening and it was weirding me out. So at least the sky finally opened up and broke the tension.

In other news, I am very, very sad to report that we won't get to wear pretty light blue dresses after all for our performance at the end of the year, because they couldn't pull them in time :( Instead we have to just wear our leotard & tights & a black ballet skirt. This makes me so, so sad.

keep your head above water but don't forget to breathe

Last night, I was Taylor Swift for Halloween, for the second year in a row. Because I didn't have any thing else costume-y to wear and obviously she is my favorite forever. Wearing black combat boots in the absence of cowboy boots or tall black riding boots was perhaps a Christina-esque twist, but shh I love my combat boots. I wore my Fearless cuff & drew a small sharpie 13 on the inside of my wrist. (Luckily I didn't do a big one on my hand, because the stupid club insisted on putting giant sharpie x's on BOTH of my hands, and those still haven't come off.)

I didn't do much dancing (none at all, really) in the short time we were actually at the club, but when we first got there and were standing around I realized belatedly they were playing a club remix of Jar of Hearts for a couple seconds, mashing it together with other songs, but I absolutely freaked out. I wish my girl had been there with me to understand how awesome the moment was. It was supposed to be my first time partying with all of my NCM sisters, but I went with my friends who are in a different sorority, and didn't realize NCM had changed their minds & decided to go somewhere else without telling me. So, sadface. Whatever. There's always next time.

everybody wants to love, everybody wants to be loved

I miss the summer & being home & my tan summer skin & you & iced green tea & reading by the pool & cold weather & wearing my favorite scarf & fitting together like puzzle pieces & sharing an umbrella in the rain & dancing together & laughing. I will never forget. I don't want to go to sleep because when I wake up, you still won't be here. One hundred and forty miles is too far.

while the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide

Today is impossibly, disgustingly busy, in that I have just short of two hours free for the entire time period of 10am to 9pm. However, my Health test went much better than expected, French feels like it's coming somewhat more effortlessly, as far as speaking it in class goes, at least, and I got almost an hour for lunch instead of a half hour, so Kelly and I had time to actually take our time and split a piece of magnificent chocolate cake (that I had to buy this time) and then sit there digesting (god, so full) and laughing at our health textbook like middle schoolers.

Also, most importantly, I have my copy of Speak Now!!! It is looking like I won't get to listen to it until 9pm tonight, cause I want to get the full experience, not listen to it at work with only one headphone (and Dexter playing next to me) and keep being interrupted. Also I need to study French, since I have like no time tonight. Sigh. Instead I am going to listen to the other awesome album I have now, Some Things Don't Wash Out, because I only got it Saturday night and knew I wasn't going to get enough time to really enjoy it and only it before getting Speak Now.

"People don't realize this, but loneliness .... it's underrated."
-- Tom Hansen

this weekend has been magical

On Friday night, my French class went to see Giselle by the Orlando Ballet, which I was super excited for and it was awesome. My very first ballet! We had to dress up, so I wore a pretty dress and black tights. Act II with the Wilis in their gauzy white dresses was stunning and breathtaking. It is my dream to dance en pointe, but I know I never will.

Saturday morning, I woke too early but walked to Starbucks with my friend, and then we shopped on Park Ave a little bit and crossed the train tracks to wander the farmer's market for a bit. We both wore dresses and it was gorgeous out, because Florida in October is still warm enough for sundresses. Then we came back to my room and hung out, watching The Big Bang Theory and burning her new pomegranate candle, even though technically we aren't allowed to have candles in our dorms. Shh.

Saturday night, You, Me, and Everyone We Know was playing at The Haven which is not even ten minutes away, and I wanted so badly to go but my girl wasn't here to go with me and so I wasn't planning on getting to go. Then on Friday, spur of the moment, I decided I simply had to go, and convinced previously mentioned friend to go with me. And it was wonderful. I was dancing and singing my lungs out. I wore this blue floral dress, and my combat boots.

Highlight of the evening: we were wandering around in between sets of tiny bands I've never heard of, and as we walked past the bar, some random older guy yelled at me, "Taylor Swift in the house!" It made me beam.

Today I woke up even earlier and couldn't get back to sleep, which was unfortunate, but I got to wear my new YMAEWK shirt that I love. In conclusion, I spent just over twenty four hours (Friday night - Saturday night) in dresses and it was wonderful.

living in the shadow

I love when I get to wear combat boots and ballet slippers in the same day. Love it. Ballet today was hard, but it was my own fault for not being 100% there mentally. My body didn't know what to do cause my brain couldn't focus. And my toes hurt, and Dr. Suzanne has started noticing how I knuckle my toes and trying to help me fix them, cause my balance on my right foot sucks. However, we are starting to learn the choreography for our performance at the end of the year, and she keeps telling us about our pretty baby blue dresses, for which I am ecstatic.

because I love Keats

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be

When I have fears that I may cease to be
    Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
    Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
    Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
    Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
    That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
    Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

to the ground where you left my heart to bleed

Lately I have started stumbling upon someone at school who so strongly resembles a ghost from my past that my heart stops in dread every time I see them. It's like facing someone I don't want to even acknowledge the existence of and now I have a reminder always when I am least expecting it. Please stop haunting me.

finding truth in my english textbook

"with happiness, which lies within the reach of all for it is dependent on virtue, which becomes possible when--though only when--self-love is transmuted into love of others and love of God."

I believe in this so strongly. It took me a long time to find myself and learn to be happy and love myself, and now I feel like I can spread that love to everyone I meet, whether with a smile or something bigger. Only once you are OKAY with yourself and with being alone with yourself, can you take in the entire world in a positive way and project that love back out into the universe. It's not easy, but it's worth it, I promise.

give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around

Sometimes, being able to hold myself together when I really really need to cry is not a good thing. I came close to breaking down mentally in Ballet, but somehow held it together. I just feel like today is neverending and I don't know how I'm going to make it to tomorrow.

...

Part two: The day was long and I didn't get back to my room till 10:30pm, but a fun and crazy night with my new sisters made the whole day better and worth it and okay.

life goes on

 

These three girls make me who I am. If I didn't carry pieces of each of them with me I would be a sad, lost soul. I have integrated each of them into the way I walk and talk and dance and love and think and view the world as a whole. They make me a better person. Because of them, I am that much closer to being the best possible version of myself. Because of them, I am fulfilled and my heart is full of love. They inspire me and can fix anything that goes wrong with a song or a dance or a story.

Good things about today:

- I talked to two boys that I don't know very well! All by myself! This is not a regular occurrence for me, okay. 

- the October weather has been absolutely gorgeous so far

- continuing to bond with my new sisters

- dinner with Kelly was fun and a satisfying end to the day

- Christina's ustream and her absolutely gorgeous songs that I cannot wait to have in my hands.

- three weeks until Speak Now!!

Perhaps I am obsessed with keys because I keep my heart locked away and I am just waiting for someone to come find it.

listening to songs that take me right back one year ago

October is already such a beautiful month. The weather is gorgeous and everything is going well. The lovebugs are disgusting, but. I can't wait till I get to go home and I can't wait till Speak Now and Keltie's book and Some Things Just Don't Wash Out. I wish my girl could visit this month and see our band together, but I don't think she'll come till November. Sad.

Yesterday I got into the local sorority I have wanted to be in for months now, so I am ecstatic about that. I was already friends with a lot of the girls, but now I get to get closer to those I already knew and make new friends, too. Yesterday for Bid Day we played games and then went bowling, and it was grand.

tried to tape it back together

My hips hurt so bad, I don't even understand. The first couple weeks I was like, "oh grand plies awesome! This feels great! I love stretching and going all the way down!" And now it's been a month and the bone-deep ache never goes away and I can't do it without groaning and laughing at myself while facing the barre because it hurts so bad. Sigh. Now I know what Keltie meant. My legs have even started to shake during  demis, it's horrible. My legs are getting stronger, it's just that they always hurt.

It hurts to sit crossed legged right now, and we only danced for 30 minutes today! Cause we spent an hour lying on the floor and talking. My body is so sad.

baby is something wrong?

listening to Tay to get pumped for Ballet. that chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing  an hour before class probably wasn't the best idea. oh well. the giant load of school work I've been balancing this week is finally lessening and the sun is coming out even though it's supposed to be pouring.

should've said no baby, now everybody knows

Because this performance changed my life. It's hard to explain, but it did. This was the beginning. Also it took me a year to notice the rain has words in it. Oops.

last night in class, i finally came up with my own mantra for life.

Smile. Love. Dance.

because dance is the best form of therapy and laughing is my favorite thing ever, and the prospect of one day finally finding love is what keeps me going. i can't wait for the future.

i say that we're right in the heart of it

don't you know that i spend all my nights counting backwards the days till i'm home?


i really am counting down the days till i get to go home. even though i will be going in the opposite direction of jacksonville, which is the true home of my heart. soon i will go back, though. never soon enough.

my heart is breaking and my soul is crying

Ballet is killing my soul and I feel like falling apart and crying because it's so hard. But I don't regret it and I won't give up. Deep down, (very deep, today) I love it too much. But now that I feel like a wreck and my soul is reaching out for something, anything to put me back together, my North Star is leaving for two and a half months and I don't think I can survive without her. I really do want to cry into my carrots right now.

desperation

i would give anything, anything to have you here living with me the way it was supposed to be. the way we were supposed to be, all the promises and plans we made. and now there is only distance. I told myself that if you were here again with me for another year, I would tell you everything, everything I kept in last year. The things I have only told two other people in this world. And now I can't.

baby, bring on the movie score

Today I love walking across my favorite part of campus at sunset when the sun is coming through the trees gorgeously and singing Sparks Fly at the top of my lungs, in my head, and feeling like I am floating because I am finally done with everything for the day.

so i went looking for her and i found you

what if when she comes over i am in your arms?
taking all that i want from you again

because my heart was torn apart by a boy i never even had.

i'm miles from where you are

This is stunning. Emily's work is always gorgeous. I have chills.

keeping it all at arms length

ballet is hard. french is hard. editing makes no sense. my feet hurt. my legs are shaky. my skin is bad. i'm so tired. i don't drink enough water. there are not enough hours in the day. i miss my sister. i don't have time to miss anyone. i don't have time to think about anything but what i have to do next or planning when i'm going to be able to eat. i'm stretched so thin i feel like i could cry in an instant. not because i'm upset, just because i'm overwhelmed with so much. i don't get enough time in the day to listen to as much music as i want to , as my soul requires.

in spite of everything, i'd rather be busy than standing still. i love being busy and not having time to be sad or lonely.

drowning in the pouring rain and thunder and puddles on my way barefoot to class makes me feel alive. i sat down looking like a drowned rat; this is my life and i love it. the rain gives me hope.

in between seasons

I believe that the universe formulates weird patterns in our lives in a coincidental, unintentional way. Like having and losing two best friends named Sam to different schools. And the fact that I have three Kaylas in my addressbook. If people are somewhat shaped by the name they are given, their personality growing into that name, then those certain types of people are subsequently drawn to or ripped away from me against my will. What can I do? Nothing.

great new albums for your consideration --

sigh no more - mumford & sons
(enthusiastic banjo music pouring out of my speakers makes me so happy)

foundling - david gray
(david gray always inspires me to write & feel. right now my favorite track on this album is 'forgetting'.)

"I wish that when you met the person you are supposed to give your forever to that a giant light bulb heart illuminated above their heads and you just walked up to your perfect match, turned off their light and then knew that this was it."
-keltie colleen


this is why i love her soul so much. she always says what i can't put words.

don't think or judge --

"There comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your heart. So you'd better learn to know the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying."
- Sarah Dessen


I believe that listening can change your life. And sometimes a great song can do that for you.

a summary

wrap-up of everything i read this summer:

• the last song
• my life as a doormat
• eat. pray. love.
• the boy called "it"
• extremely loud & incredibly close
• anthropology of an american girl
• the little prince
• persuasion
• looking for alaska
• the boy who couldn't sleep & never had to
• just listen

i'm still working on 'everything is illuminated' and 'the creative habit'. i have the bad habit of trying to read too many things at once and getting bored with one and picking up another and. agh.

you're my tragedy

I guess I just have to wander through the world alone.

"I  was in my head building a world where everything is back to normal that felt so real for a second I thought I could step into it."
- DC Pierson

things i am excited for

this fall is going to be awesome. and if things get rough, at least i'll have a good soundtrack.

• new taylor cd 10.25.10
• christina perri's debut album!!
• you me and everyone we know's first full length album 
• miss keltie's book in hopefully october yes yes yes!

this is a music post

somehow, the summer is almost over and in a month i will be back at school. i am simultaneously excited and relieved and stressed and nervous. it won't be the same living in room 213 without my best girl. the way it was supposed to be.

that aside, these have been my favorite songs this summer:

• bird song : florence + the machine
• dance so good : wakey!wakey!
• dancing on my own : robyn
• devil's waitin' : black rebel motorcycle group
• dog days are over : florence + the machine
• gospel song : black rebel motorcycle group
• heavy in your arms : florence + the machine
• home : edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros
• jar of hearts : christina perri
• kiss with a fist : florence + the machine
• move you : anya marina
• my love : sia
• please don't tell her : jason mraz
• take it like a man : wakey!wakey!
• 40 day dream : edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros

you're a fool to believe that you gave me some

i guess being a good person does pay off. i keep being humbled by the kindness of strangers. i like when the universe puts nice people in front of me, even if only for a moment.

i have been alone for far too long.

"Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life."
Epictetus

kiss me on the sidewalk

surprisingly, i am a little bit in love with life right now. somehow. it has a lot to do with this girl right here. her words and her laugh can pull me out of any bad mood at any time, even if just for a couple minutes.

good things today: tay's live webchat & speak now 10.25.10 & "mine" & "sparks fly". christina & keltie & mattnathanson agreeing to do keltie's radioshow on monday; excited excited excited! dancing around my bedroom. wearing my fearless cuff & lovelovelove bracelet. my kitty sitting behind my chair all through dinner. reading in the sun. coffee in bed while listening to bright eyes <3. eating my ben&jerry's icecream before lunch. playing ping pong to the trek soundtrack, and winning. the fudge brownies that are sitting on my stove. christina is touring with jmraz! now if they come to florida i will be the happiest girl alive. i'll even bring jmraz an avocado from our avocado tree, as a present. just putting that out there. 

thank you, universe.

song everyone should listen to right now: "rain on the pretty ones" by ed harcourt, yes i found it on the awesome christina perri pandora station. enjoy.

i hope my arms can bind you/ so you'll never have to see what we've grown to be

one may think we're alright
but we need pills to sleep at night
we need lies to make it through the day
we're not okay

and to see you cuts me up inside

"are you okay? you're awfully quiet."
no, but i don't know how to explain how i feel, and you wouldn't understand anyways.
"I'm okay."

"i wish it didn't hurt with every thought of you. you have my heart."

i'm tired of feeling soulbroken. not heartbroken, because i have nothing to actually feel pain over. soulbroken. i feel like i am pouring all these good vibes and love out into the universe for the people i care about, hoping that they get to keep the good things they have received in their lives, and i have been praying for guidance or something for myself, but i'm not getting anything in return. i wish someone would think of me for once.

exploring the infinite abyss

if i could write a letter and send it into the infinite abyss and have the universe put it on my soulmate's doorstep, i would simply say, please hurry up. my soul needs you. i don't want my other half, i want my whole.

spinning in circles until my soul is healed

wedding bells will never ring for me

i haven't really figured out how to put words to this weird funk that i am in lately. it's not a good place to be. i feel lonely and empty and useless and vulnerable and uninspired and sad for no real reason and perpetually bored. i am hyperaware of my own heartbeat because i don't have anyone else's to listen for or match. every laugh or smile i have is superficial and short-lived. but i keep insisting i am okay i am okay to anyone who would bother to ask. i wish i didn't feel so hollow, like there's a hole in my chest and i am going through the motions and not doing anything significant each day and only living half alive. i am living just a series of insignificant days.

i took the stars from our eyes and then i made a map

---

I believe that every boy a girl falls at least a little bit in love with is locked away in the corners of her heart, in their own tiny cell -- waiting for the first opportunity to scratch their way out and plant themselves in her mind again. It sucks, how they never disappear completely, even when you've convinced yourself that they have, that you don't care anymore. Because some small part of you still does.

Because I ignored him, refused to give him want he wanted - my attention - now he is haunting my subconscious. Two nights in a row. I need to put the horseshoe back up over my bed so that the nightmares stop.

oh god please, let me hold you

i just really want someone to love. that's all. i want someone to fight for me and love me back fiercely.

perfection. i can'tcan'tcan't wait until i get to start ballet. i still need my shoes. oops.

the one thing i miss is in your eyes

i get lonely, but not that lonely.


things i would say if i wasn't ignoring you --
i am not going to come crawling back. i learned from the mistake i made and i am happier and stronger now. i  don't need you, i need someone mature enough and whole enough to complete me, not take from me again. i listened to parting gift over a hundred times last year. that is not okay. that spark is not there anymore. you could've had me then, but you chose not to. so now i am not choosing you. it's been over a year and i don't want you anymore. seeing you, on the rare occasion that i do, is still a stab in the chest. it is not a feeling i want to relive. thank you for not talking to me that one time when we were in the same room standing five feet away from each other. i didn't want to talk to you, i only wanted you to see how happy and perfectly fine i was without you. i am without you. i don't know what you want or expect from this, but i am not going to give you anything. you don't deserve any parts of me. i already gathered back all the parts you took last time, and i will protect them better this time. protect them for when the right person comes along.

if i wasn't ignoring you, i have plenty of songs that would sum up how i feel. you are not welcome here and honestly i'd much rather do without you and your cocaine attitude. i've got to cut you out. i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say. but i have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. i learned to live half-alive and now you want me one more time. cause you broke all your promises.

i'm trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes

i love change, like painting my room a different color or the idea of living somewhere completely foreign and new, but people changing breaks my heart more than anything. breaking promises and waking up next to someone you no longer recognize.


Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: I can't give you that. Nobody can.

to ever fall back into your arms

but that doesn't mean that i don't sometimes get tired of being alone, of always facing the world alone. sometimes i just want someone to share my heart with. someone to share songs that i think are beautiful with.

i got a sympathetic muse

story of my life & i'm proud of it.

thank you universe for a great day

good things about today --

+waking up to (very loud) beatle brunch + proceeding to have an all girls dance party

+normal unflavored coffee that i asked mom to make!

+tay's livestream <3 even though it made me sad i couldn't be there

+my curly hair and fearless cuff

+wearing the stripey buttonup i never wear and my new key necklace!

+bookstore + whole foods 

+peach green tea from wf!

+the office clue from barnes+noble!

+library times!

+ROCKING OUT IN THE CAR WITH SISTER, ESP TO YOU BELONG WITH ME AND DANCING AT THE REDLIGHTS

+princess diaries two and falling in love with the princess all over again!

+going to watch heroes with MY princess tonight!

oh no not again

i miss you.
it's only been a week or two, i can't even remember, but you feel so far away.
your voice sounds foreign when you're not talking to me.
i don't want you to laugh or smile for anyone but me.
(god that is horribly selfish.)
i miss waking up next to you (the sun is so bright at 7am)
and closing my eyes to be surprised with ticket to ride
i miss driving all day on the highway to the country songs you know by heart
and sleeping (or not sleeping) under the stars.

love, save the empty

i think that the universe has been waiting for me to be full, -- because falling in love when you are empty never ends well -- full of life and happiness and love of myself. the universe has been waiting for me to be completely happy with myself and able to find peace and contentment and ease my mind all on my own, without anyone's help. waiting until i can wake up alone every day and still smile at the sun and the birds in the trees. only once i am completely whole on my own, then and there is when the universe is going to hand me another beautifully whole and full person to love and be loved by.

i'm losing sleep i must lay down

our hearts must be still, and only then will we be perfectly happy.

the summer of reading project

books i've read so far --

the last song

my life as a doormat

eat. pray. love.

the boy called "it"

extremely loud & incredibly close
anthropology of an american girl
the little prince
persuasion
looking for alaska
everything is illuminated (in progress)
the boy who couldn't sleep & never had to

i know you can't stay but i wish you would

sometimes i just want someone to chase after me in a handsome black tuxedo while the music swells towards a happy ending, to a set of bluegreenbrown eyes to stare back at.

tell me why we're talking when we dance so good

so far my favorite albums of 2010 are --

of men and angels : the rocket summer

almost everything i wish i'd said the last time i saw you : wakey!wakey!

i have made mistakes today

this is my new favorite song to dance around to. my sister walked in while i was bouncing and dancing to it and she started dancing and spinning along with me, even though she didn't know the song at all. my new favorite record for this week. awesomesauce.

i met a girl who kept tattoos for all the homes that she had loved

this weekend i fell in love with a girl, even if it was only for a day (fourteen whole hours of a day) and i'll never see her again. i should've known it was coming the moment she stretched her dancer-like legs out on wednesday night and i was riveted. yesterday afternoon she spoke to me, once, "wow you are tall," but i stood there grinning like an idiot and not saying anything back, as i am wont to do.

it's real love

is it weird that i can't imagine myself ever falling in love or being intimate with someone? as much as i want it. i know i can't simply want a perfect being into existence. being alone is the only thing i have ever known, i've never known anything else for myself. i have gotten good at being alone and being happy that way. the only person we are sure that we have to spend our whole life with is ourself, so why not make myself happy that way? i don't want to be anybody's anything.

i am the hero of this story, don't need to be saved

i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over

this song is that moment where your mind is on something else entirely, you're just walking along and talking to your bestfriend, and then all of a sudden you hear their voice and completely unexpectedly they are right there, coming towards you, talking to you, and you are shocked into silence because it's been so long and you thought they were dead to you. but no, you are reminded against your will that they are very, very much alive and here. it is a horrible moment, like being thrown over a cliff with no one to pull you back. and then it's gone, they're gone, and you won't let yourself look back to see if they're still there, walking away from you like the universe hasn't flipped inside-out in those last four seconds.

live through this and you won't look back

she's better than the girl of my dreams. she's real.

"summer's not just a character. she's a phase in your life."

another truth.

you go on + i'll be happier

"i wonder what it is about fellas- they have this sick 6th sense and some alarm must go off inside their heads when they sense that us women are happy.moved on.notthinking aboutthem64timesday. where they need to just "check in" and remind me that they are not infact DEAD which I have completely fooled myself in feeling- you are gone, i buried you and all your bullshit 6 feet under."

truest thing i've heard all week.

i was weak then but i'm not now.

i am the sunlight drenching you

loves it when the universe works out perfectly, even if just for a night. i almost can't believe that it actually happened, that i got another perfect day. just because it's almost the end of our time together doesn't mean it's too late to make more beautiful memories. i sure haven't let go yet, and i don't think you have either.

it's a quarter after one i'm a little drunk and i need you now

perfect way to start a morning (minus how sucky i slept last night)

- gorgeous kc headshots

- amazing piano/cello instrumental version of love story+viva la vida

- new cperri adventure!

- rewatching my dorky trs dance video

- lady antebellum

- one week till i go home!

she wears high heels i wear sneakers

i wish my school was this awesome. i wish i could get a hug and kiss on the cheek from taylor swift. so proud of ryan and michael though!! they worked hard + earned it.


i think we should all thank the universe (i almost just typed the you-niverse) everytime we have a good day. or even if it isn't a good day, we should still give thanks for any and all of the small good things that happened that day, even if they seem insignificant. they may seem insignificant a lot of the time, but just think, your not-so-good day would be much worse without them. you worked hard to earn the good things life hands you, so take a moment to appreciate what you receive in return.

my good things today:
+ classes got done early so i had extra time to myself
+ deaver told me that he sees my mom in me, now that he saw her again
+ i got to blast the rocket summer in my room alone
+ free lunch! which for a poor person like me is the best thing over, because otherwise my lunch would've been three sourpatch kids and the end of my bunny grahams
+ got my last story turned in, so i'm finally done with that
+ broke my necklace waiting in line for aforementioned free lunch, and then alyssa fixed it for me right when i got back to work!
+ there is not a cloud in the sky
+ i am wearing my birthstone ring which i never wear
+ i am rocking my you tell me to live shirt (and it looks awesome with white shorts, if i may say so myself)
+ i am also rocking my mantra cuff

i don't want it anymore if it's not you that i gain

songs like this, and words like these --

If today is a day of forgiveness.
I forgive you.

make me want to choose love instead of silence, because the world doesn't need more anger and hate, but i can't help myself. i already tried, and it was useless. i waved my white flag a long time ago. i never wanted this in the first place.

"Try to say nothing negative about anybody-for three days-for forty-five days-for three months. See what happens to your life."

-yoko ono

i'm old enough to know that time doesn't move slow enough

tonight i was deprived of my oxygen. i made excuses trying to account for the loss. i told myself that i had to give it up for tay. i'd be okay with it if the universe would keep my samantha here, with me. but no matter how many excuses i made, it still hurt. i spent the entire hour and a half on the phone with my momma, but it still hurt.

i wish i was home tonight. now i have six voicemails from my sister to listen to on my phone

she has no problem with secrets

i finally found a song for my girl. the love of my life. the sunbeam that inspires me to be a better person and never stop flipping my curly blonde hair in the bathroom at night. the voice to the soundtrack of my life. the one i write fearless on my wrist for. the angel that saved my life.

she is the words that i can't find
i'll drown or make her mine

we all saw it coming

my new favorite song.

classic

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? "


i want her bathtub couch. and i want a beautiful handmade, hand-painted bookshelf (sam and i are doing that this summer). and my dog. tentatively named, wentworth.

"Stay on the road and be simple." -- Mellon Tytell

a muted country scene:

The old wooden fence she is sitting on is about to break under her weight; splinters are digging through her worn jeans. The field of dried out, long brown grass in front of her wavers as wind rolls over it.

“What do you want?” he says, standing behind her, eyes fixed on her shoulder.

“You.”

He stares at the strands of hair that are falling out of her loose ponytail. “What else do you want?”

She pauses, turns her head sideways so she can see him out of the corner of her eye. “You.”

He considers reaching out to touch her, brush his fingers across hers or push the hair back from her face, but he doesn’t. “Okay. I can do that.”

He stays still, and waits until she reaches back for him first, fingers catching blindly on the sleeve of his shirt and twisting in to grip him tightly and keep him close.

free falling

why would you try to contact me now after all this time? do you really think i am going to have good things to say to you? that time has made a difference in how i feel? your girlfriend dumped you and now it's almost summer so you think something is going to happen? sorry, no. no way in hell. i am not doing that and am not going there. not going back to who i was.

“The band set up and everyone was on stage, set and ready, except Bryce. I felt this stillness in the air, like everyone was waiting for either something incredibly amazing or bad to happen. For which one, I didn’t know. Then, Bryce walked on the stage and the crowd broke into ear-deafening cheers.”

not seeing him in a week is going to kill me, very slowly. i will weep longingly. i've seen him every time he's come to ft lauderdale since the summer of 2007. now that he finally has a brand spanking new, beautifully inspiring album out, i have to miss it. goddamn you, biology and finals and last story being due tuesday and everything else that is getting in the way. universe, didn't i tell you i refused to quit him?

this makes me feel free

this reminds me of a night months ago, driving home alone and the (original) song came on the radio and in that moment i felt full to the brim with life.

to make it better, better

where did all my rain go? now the forecast is all sunsunsun.

earlier today (do you remember--) i was thinking how much i missed loving him. this made me feel that again. that swelling and clenching in my chest.

used to pride myself on living life without any regrets but now that's gone

wanna touch you, wanna breathe you
said fuck you, i don't need you

and tonight we'll stand up

back in the god i miss my sister stage. watching her this weekend i was brought to tears with how much i miss her and how happy i am that i'll be home for good in two weeks. two weeks and one day. so happy i got to give her presents this weekend and take small pieces of her back to school with me -- wristbands from the tournament, her shirt. i can't wait till i graduate and she goes to college and we can live together wherever she goes. i will follow her anywhere. our own apartment with bookcases and my beagle puppy. i cannot wait.

tonight in the car i heard a song on the radio that kept singing "this time baby i'll be bulletproof." it wasn't a particularly life-changing song, but that line got to me. she didn't know and got hurt last time and all the times before that, but next time, this time, it won't happen again. she is stronger now, she is bulletproof.

like today at the zoo, isn't this a nice moment?

"That's one thing Earthlings might learn to do, if they tried hard enough: Ignore the awful times, and concentrate on the good ones."

"Um," said Billy Pilgrim.

i really need to reread vonnegut.

and i feel perfectly fine but i miss --

after a bad day for balancing today in yoga, the realization of how much balance ballet is going to require is vaguely frightening. or, a lot frightening. please give me strength. strength in my legs, strength in my feet.

don't pass me by/ don't make me cry

for all my wallflower years it has been my dream for the nicest, most handsome boy at the dancebanquetdinnercruise to see me sitting alone and ask me to dance, and i daydreamed about this every night on the edge of the floor, picturing what he would say when he told me i was beautiful and how we would hold hands and spin together. last night, my dream finally came true, and i danced with a boy for the first time. my smile was blinding. one magical, sunshine day after a no-good week of days.

and you'd say i'm putting you on

lately my life has been Many Days of Tired. way too many. sleepless nights with neverending stress and too many things to think about and fret about and a side of annoyance at life in general.the only things i am finding comfort is my taylor shirt (my safety blanket, my armor) and the package of love on my nightstand. i just want to go home to my bed and sleep for a week.

the universe is fighting against me today.

when you're smiling, when you're smiling

the whole world smiles with you

your life will not be a fairytale if you don't act and live classy like a princess. you are not going to find your prince charming by getting drunk and passing out in random boys' beds. that is why i don't do those things. i want my perfect ending.

we never will give up

i guess best friends named sam are just meant to be (loved and then) lost in my lifestory. when did everything suddenly stop going the way i wanted? the key of my life this week has been a minor one. in this instant i don't really have anyone close to me. no one to lean my weight on when i get tired or it gets to be too heavy.

you've got to shine on

"Let all that you do be done in love."

Putting negativity out into the universe in any way shape or form isn't going to help anyone or do any good. At all. I strongly believe this and try to live my life by it. There is already enough bad out there, why would you want to inject anything but love into our beautiful but messed up world? Once you realize this you can live a clearer and better life. You will achieve a lot more once you stop thinking unnecessary negative thoughts.

there's nothing you can say to make this right again

today's playlist --

vagabond : wolfmother

boy from school : grizzly bear

happier : a fine frenzy

getting better : the beatles

empty : ray lamontagne

soldier : ingrid michaelson

sweet disposition : the temper trap

i don't need you but i do, i do, i do

me & my stupid pride are sitting here alone.

-- taylor swift

just for one day

i may seem overly quiet or shy to many people, but at least those who do get to know me even just a little realize that i am genuine. i think that's a pretty good place to be. i don't have a "fake side" of myself. i'm going to be honest & i'm not going to pretend to have something to say if i don't. i will only say something if i really mean it. i am not a shell of a girl anymore, i know exactly who i am. like it or not, this is me. hello, meet my soul.

hustlers grab your guns

great songs --

gone for good : the shins

black and blue : christina perri sings

raining in baltimore : counting crows

catch my disease : ben lee

phantom planet's old songs bring back great, happy memories. raise the dead reminds me of a weightless day, but it's bittersweet now.

my soulmate will let me listen to Taylor in the car with the windows down and he will sing along with me (genuinely + confidently) because he knows it makes me happy. he will be tall enough for me to wear heels when i want to. he will be an artist, and no matter what he creates, he will love doing it. he will know how to brew a pot of tea but also need coffee each morning too. because coffee is soso good.

it's flawless, really something

at the start of the week i felt as if the universe was still making me pay by making me get sick, but today was better. i have coffee & taylor & yoga in the sun & tonight should be fun. my two michelles, though entirely two different people, are becoming great friends.

also i might be doing this. random acts of musical theatre. flashmob. whatever you want to call it. excited. i told michelle i wanted to and she started describing her ideas for choreography (set to mgmt's kids) and began with "i want it to start with a girl coming out jumping rope--" and i'm like, well, that's not me, i can't jump rope, and then she continues "-- but she can't do it very well' and amanda is like, hey, it IS you. so we'll see.

i gotta shine my rusty halo

i think if i had to describe myself in one word, it would be: exactness. i think before i speak and carefully plan out exactly what i'm going to say, how i'm going to convey what i want to convey. this means i often falter when put on the spot or thrust into an uncomfortable situation. today i was told i should take an acting class to improve my public speaking. we'll see about that one. that sounds kind of monumentally scary. way out of my comfort zone, which is the point i suppose, but. one step at a time.

"This is remarkably smart, good, good, good writing. Exactly as I knew you could do. You've amazed me since you first showed up in RCC. There is something emotionally and personally exact about you. It is an artistic exactness, and probably more than an artistic exactness."

what a lovely compliment to get. and from a superior, a professor who i so greatly admire.