'wears heart on sleeve'

lovebot.tumblr.com

is my new favorite thing ever.

"After all that is taken, we can only give someone what's left.

So it's hard."

- Taylor Swift

i don't feel any pain unless i try to talk

the idea of becoming my mother, of becoming my parents, is what scares me more than anything about the future. i don't want their negativity, their jaded bitterness towards people and life in general. i want to be kind and good and give back and help people who need or want help. i want to travel and make a difference in someone's life. just one life. they say it is inevitable but i will repeat it like a mantra if it means i can make the opposite true: i will not be my mother. i want to be a mother, but not my mother. i want to be better, for my children and for my husband and for the people around me. and most of all, for myself.

breaking down & coming undone

I am so excited and proud to be Miss Taylor Swift for Halloween. I don't care if they say I'm not dressing up enough, I am being someone I believe in and someone I will feel good about being, instead of using Halloween as an excuse to just dress as slutty as possible. A friend told me I could only be Taylor if I wore a sign on my back that said "I hate Kanye," but that's just it, Taylor is so classy and such a real girl that she would never do that. I had a quote by her in my quote book (which I take very seriously) before I had even warmed up to her music or anything, because somehow I understood that she was a genuinely good person. I am going to spend Halloween day with giant hair curlers in my hair in the hopes of feeling half as beautifully fearless as her. I wanted to get great new heels for the occasion, but I doubt that will happen. Just wearing my red dress, and being her, will be enough. The last two or so weeks were grumpy weeks for me, but I will try to move past all of that and dance the night away until I can't remember all the stupid things that were stressing me out so badly.

for a pocket full of silver and gold

I set out to disappear
And out there I found a new home.

Baltimore Blues No. 1 - Deer Tick

a great song, i don't even know how i found it. it was just there all of a sudden. if you don't know it, you should.

this isn't the storm before the calm

my way of coping with things is crying my heart out & listening to the saddest song til it passes. i don't know what else to do. i can't think fearless when i am being so afraid. i am usually a very calm, go with the flow person, so when i breakdown, i breakdown big and fall hard. this way i can get it all out and not be broken by it tomorrow.

and you look beautiful tonight

"I am in repair.

I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

- John Mayer

i don't like the people who let their mood be dictated by whether they're going to get to go out and party and drink. from being in a bad mood to all of a sudden excited just because they get to go out tomorrow night. also i don't like girls who are obsessed with boys and fixated on getting a boyfriend, but every single day at least once they say "i hate boys" or "i hate happy couples." i don't want a boyfriend right now, i don't need one. i am optimistic for the future, and beautiful, happy couples give me hope. and i'd rather not base my happiness level on going somewhere just to drink. i can have fun without altering my state of mind.

(the sad thing is that both of these descriptions are now My Friends. i will not let myself because that person though. it's not me and it's not who i want to be, at all.)

a great song is pouring into my soul

"i am skin

i am a woman and i'm fine."

- it doesn't hurt, katie thompson

dancing with both eyes closed

today i got my Fearless Heart tank from the warehouse. this is the highlight of my week, probably. tomorrow i am going to feel so strong with my tank + my mantra cuff (that i wear religiously anyways). i am hoping tomorrow is going to live up to its potential. i get paid tomorrow, and find out if i got into the Rollins Plan. fingers crossed for that. also thursdays are generally my favorite day of the week, now. work is always calm and my day is quiet and easy.

on the other hand, i am excited for GLEE tonight. i have so many shows to catch up on tomorrow, but this one is my favorite part of the week.

i have come to a conclusion: the phrase "sensible heels" is a downright lie. shoe-shopping is impossible for me, because my feet are long but narrow. any heels i get are going to break and misconfigure my feet if i dance in them for two hours. i'm at a loss. i can't find boots either, of any kind, that fit my skinny ankles in a way that looks appealing. i give up.

say it again

just because seeing him hurts me, it is not an excuse to be mean. being mean will not solve anything. so i kept my mouth shut and kept walking with my chin held high.

yesterday on the train i read all of Franny and Zooey except for 20 pages, which i'll hopefully finish tonight. i am proud of myself. i started that book practically a month ago. i need a reminder of how much i enjoy reading.

old notes, hidden in the bottom of desk drawers

like ribbons tied around my fingers, around my wrist I wear reminders of those I care about; Keltie's mantra cuff, to give me strength, "you are my sunshine" for me and Lois' faith and positivity, weaved bracelet for my oldest friends, Kayla and Cristin, beaded bracelet as a symbol of peace.

(and the tiny silver ring on my finger for you and our undying friendship, of course)

i try and i try and i try

lately I have been thinking about names, and then today my friends and I were discussing name meanings. my name means Crowned with Laurel and my middle name is Victory of the People, both with French origin, appropriately. if I was a boy I would have been Christopher, which understandably means 'Christbearer'.

I have always been particularly fickle about what I want to name my future children, cause I can only settle on middle names that I really like - Vivian, and Bliss. But a couple days ago I finally decided that I want to name my daughter after Keltie. I can't find the meaning anywhere, but it holds enough personal value that I don't need a definition. She has shaped who I want to be so much and taught me about life and inspiration and how to look for the best in people and each day as we experience them. She has inspired me to be more optimistic and dream big because I can do anything I want if I put my mind to it and work hard. All of the names that start with K-e-l in the name meanings dictionary mean things like warrior and powerful and chief and defender, so I like that, too. The name Keltie is really pretty and unique. Also she's Canadian, so hopefully it's French.

I want my daughter's middle name to be Elizabeth. Elizabeth is my mom's middle name, after her mother. It means Consecrated to God, which I also like. I want to raise my children differently from the way I was raised, so it's appropriate. Keltie Elizabeth.

the fish swam out of the ocean

i wish i had more time to read. actually, that's not right. i wish i took more time out of my day and made myself read, instead of doing mindless things on my laptop or napping just because i'm bored. i used to love reading so much, and i still do, i brought all my books with me, it's just hard to have them still in a box under my bed. i don't even have room for a bookshelf to put them on. i dug franny and zooey out of the box a month ago and have only read a couple pages. at the same time, i feel like all i am doing for classes is reading, so by the time i finish i am too burnt out to pick up a book. it shouldn't be this way. sure, i am reading great literature for my short fiction class, but i am not allowing myself any pleasure reading time.

that will be my goal for this week. thursday, after midterms, instead of holing up in my room in my free time & watching tv shows on my laptop, i will take a book outside and read by the pool or on the lawn. hopefully the weather will be nicer then.

why'd you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to you?

today was a simon & garfunkel day. the weather is cooler but it's still warm in the sun, and i had to wake up early, when my bed was too comfortable to get out of, so the whole morning and early afternoon was slow and sleepy. alyssa's theme song for us at work was The Dangling Conversation.

and we sit and drink our coffee, couched in our indifference like shells upon the shore.

happy october, people of the empty abyss. i can't take my eyes off of you.