Like it never happened and we were nothing.

Even when I was in the thick of it, of being in love with you, for some reason this song spoke to me -- maybe the passion of it -- and I would  be in my room screaming the words at the top of my lungs, to you. Singing to you out my window. But it isn't a song for someone in love and deeply hopeful. I put it on your playlist anyways. The playlist I made for my heart, when it was in love with you.

Now, eight or nine months later, after making my heart let go, this song finally makes sense. I was listening to your playlist last night and it took me right back, but this song is how my heart feels now. It feels like you don't exist anymore, like there is nothing left in that space where my hope for us used to exist. Like I imagined all of it, every little moment.

I have no idea what is going to happen, when we are both back at school together. When I am in your vicinity again. I hope my heart will be strong enough.

Les Gratitudes

I am thankful for all of the blessings I was given this year -- spending the summer in DC, the fall in Paris -- because they have truly made me a different person. My view of the world has widened. I am thankful for being given the chance to care about someone so ardently this year, even if nothing came of it. I am thankful for green tea with mint and scarves and Paris during Christmastime. I am thankful for the new friends I have made this year, and the new family I gained. I am thankful for the Lumineers. I am thankful for finally getting to meet the wonderful Christina Perri this year, however brief it was. I am thankful for getting to have a face-to-face conversation with Keltie Colleen, even if it was through a webchat on the internet. I am thankful for every single person in my life. I am thankful for finding my perfect little this year. I am thankful for summer days spent with my twinny, before we both left our homes.

Won't stop till it's over.

I feel like I have spent this entire year floundering and at a loss as to what to do next, and not really receiving much assistance from the universe. I have put so many questions out into the infinite abyss and asked for guidance countless times, and I feel like nothing has changed. I still haven't found the signs that should be in front of me. The only thing the universe has placed in front of me, is people that I can want desperately only to never get to wrap my hands around them and take what I want. I don't know what to do anymore. I am reduced to spending the rest of this year getting over yet another girl I couldn't have.

Into the labyrinth of the unknown.

This Spring I fell in love with you to the soundtrack of Ed Sheeran’s +, and it was beautiful magical new. And now, with Red, I need to decide whether I want to keep holding on, or start to let it all go and move on. It's been almost eight months. You have been my most important thing, for eight months.

I have one week to make a decision, or else to wait see what happens when I see you again, and let that help me decide.

and yesterday, you were here with me.

The soundtrack to this year, for me, has been + by Ed Sheeran. Since I first heard Give Me Love in what, February? Right now, the phase that I am in is Sunburn.

Longer reflective post to follow, when I get home from work. About this summer. About this year. Expectations vs. reality. What I wanted when January 1st rolled around. And how unexpectedly different it has been.

I'm gone in the brain.

Finding out you are in another state, makes me miss you so much more. It's like my heart knows the distance between us has grown, and that makes it hurt more. I expected us to both be in different states this summer, but at the same time. I drove two hundred miles and thought I would be closer to you, have the chance of seeing you again, and then I find out you are eight hundred miles even further away. Why did you leave?

Please, come home. It's been a week, and already I can't recall the sound of your voice, or the sound of your laugh. It's devastating.

I can't have you like you have me.

Two days until I am home means only two days that I have left here with you. That is to say, in the same city as you. To have the potential of being with you. Because right now, we certainly aren't together in the same room. These last few days have been wasted, but you are the one wasting opportunities -- not me. I have been trying. Why are you so hot and cold all the time? Why do I miss you so much? Why do we only have two days left? Why don't you seem to realize this? If my heart is a mess right now, after just a few days, I don't know what's going to happen when we both leave. I don't even know if I want to say goodbye in person, anymore. It will either be awkward or too hard. Or both.

I've got a love that keeps me waiting.

Sometimes, when the distance starts to grow and I've spent too much time thinking and not enough time actually with you, I wonder how I got to this point. I can't figure it out. How did my heart get so gone? How did I end up so painfully, unbearably in love with this girl? It feels like it just happened. It feels like I've been stuck in the middle of this mess of feelings forever. I don't remember how it started. I can't wrap my brain around the way that I feel. Why did this happen?

This is how I feel. I am dancing around my room and singing this song to you and offering you everything I have to give. It's fine by me if you never leave. And we can lay like this forever, it's fine by me. Because if I gave you my heart, you would stay forever, right? I think you would. We don't have to be confused anymore. We can just be together.

And we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

Whenever I am awake early in the morning, I think of you still sleeping. And I wish I was there to see how peaceful you look in your sleep, to see how your eyelashes look drooped against your pale skin, to climb into bed next to you and hold you. Why does your bed have to be so far away from mine?

I am going to ignore last night's dream. It is not one I want to write down to remember. I am not going to accept it as a warning from the universe. That is the one thing I am not willing to listen to.

Can't stop thinking.

After these next eight days, I won't see you again for eight whole months. Eight long, horrible, sweltering months that I will spend alone in the city. An unfamiliar city. And you will be in another, colder state. A visit or two in Europe in the fall is going to be the only oxygen I get. For the rest of the year. This thought is terrifying. How am I supposed to say goodbye when right now, so submerged in my feelings for you, I can't even process us being apart for so long? I get upset and messed up when we don't see each other for less than a week. What's going to happen when whole months begin to pass?

The universe has been kinder these last few days, though. I feel like I'm getting back what I had lost for a while there. And it feels wonderful. I am shining, again. My pleading for guidance has been answered.

Are you watching, or just waiting to see?

Last night I decided to just say, fuck it. I give up. I give up on trying so hard. I am going to sit back and let what happens naturally, happen. Because that is when it is good. When I try to force things, that's when I get upset and frustrated. I am going to just enjoy spending time with the people who are actually available and choosing to be around me. If she doesn't want to come around, then she doesn't have to.

Of course, right after I decided this, she and some other friends strolled into my room. It didn't last long, but she was there. Sitting down on my floor, like she belonged there.

I am going to take it as a good sign.

Universe, I need help.

I am at a loss for what to do anymore. The girl that I am in love with and I were getting closer and laughing together and it was wonderful, we had the potential to be such great friends, and then it just stopped. Everything came to a standstill. Now we barely talk, and she hardly ever acknowledges me when we pass by each other around campus. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her to hold a conversation with me through text. And I never see her in person during the week. I feel like I am giving 90% and only getting 10% in return. I understand that I care too much and am way more invested, but I don't get why she just stopped. Things were going so well. I thought she wanted to be closer to me. I used to make her smile. And now, nothing. Radio silence.

I feel like I am projecting love me love me love me and getting nothing in return. It feels hopeless, like the person that I want so badly couldn't possibly want me back -- because that just doesn't happen. It's too slim of a chance. How do people ever find another person who just happens to like them back? Never in my entire life has someone caused me so much frustration and confusion and anguish. I guess it's nice to feel things at all, and to feel so strongly passionate about someone, but I can't shine without her here to light me up. Only feeling the negative things for 95% of the week, is not fun. What do I do? I need the universe's guidance so badly right now.

Yesterday in class, my professor talked about how whatever is going on in our world is just a projection of what is happening in our heads. That we affect everything external to us. That we cause it. I was worried that things were going to change after that moment, and so they did. This is my fault. But she can't possibly feel that I don't want her or that I am neglecting her, because I am trying so hard and putting so much energy into this and giving her so much of myself, and not getting anything back.

What do I do? Do I keep trying and keep pushing, at the risk of being overbearing or overwhelming? Because I don't want her to think I don't care. Or do I back off and wait for her to come to me? If she even wants to. Because so far, backing off, not talking to her for weeks at a time, hasn't really worked for me. But all the little, once-a-week, absolutely wonderful moments that we do have make me think she has to care some. She has to want something, even just a little bit. I would give her anything. I just need her to actually communicate with me. I can't read minds. And I don't know how girls' brains work. I only know how mine works, and how much I read into everything and how much weight I place on everything. Maybe she doesn't feel any of these things. Maybe she's just busy.

I've missed you but I haven't met you.

If I could, I would stop all of my clocks to the moment I met you. And live in that night forever. I remember it so clearly. I already knew your name but not your face, and then I was finally able to connect the two. And we talked about dance. We had danced in the same show -- twice maybe -- without ever knowing each other. I wish I could go back in time and watch it all over again, now that I know you. Because I love to watch you dance. And we could've flitted around backstage together and pressed sticky eyelashes onto each other's eyelids. I would have checked your lipstick for you. I would have told you you looked beautiful.

I just got the mantra cuff I bought for someone special (you, obviously) in the mail today. I can't wait to give it to you. My stomach tightens at the thought of you wearing it. Of us matching, being bound together. I want you to feel the same strength it gives me. I hope you wear it. Even just once in a while. Seeing it on your wrist would make me feel better about this, about everything. I only share this bracelet, this part of myself, with very special people. And I've decided to share it with you. I choose you.

My manifest song for 2012 was To Whom It May Concern, and I only had to wait one month to find something that I had been missing. I am so lucky. I feel blessed.

Something in the way she moves.

Right now, at this exact moment of my life, my heart keeps beating because of you. The earth keeps spinning, so that I may love you. The way this is happening, so perfectly and so fast, has to be the stars or the universe's work. I could've never dreamed of feeling this way, and I certainly cannot control it now. I never could've imagined finding a puzzle piece I had been missing that fits so seamlessly into me the way that you do. Everything I am feeling feels so much bigger than me. Bigger than my soul and heart can contain. You light me up, and I am certain anyone can tell by the way my eyes look at you. And I don't even care if everyone knows. But the question that has been itching under my skin is -- do you know?

Are we still rolling?

Why is it that, even though I finally got what I wanted, it feels bittersweet? My heart is only half-filled. I should have fought harder, to fill the other half. I guess, at least being unsatisfied will force me to fight harder for you now. Tooth and nail. For whatever there is left for me to claim. This isn't making much sense. I don't know how to put into words how I've been feeling. Besides the little sticker on my computer that says bummed.

I should be focusing on what I have, rather than what I lost. Cause it's not really lost. Not actually.

I just want the summer to be over so I can be in Paris, already.

I remember you.

This is the song of 2012. I think last year, even though I wanted to open myself to love (and it did kind of happen, a little bit. just a taste of how it would feel), I was moreso manifesting being a better person. And now I think I am close to being the best, strongest, kindest version of myself -- though a goal for this year is still to be better. And only the best version of myself deserves to find love. We only find love when we stop looking, supposedly. But I don't know how I'm supposed to ever stop wanting it.

I really hope this year holds something different though. I want to find something reciprocal. I realize that thus far, I've been able to hold onto my own ideals about what it would be like, a magical fairytale romance that I would be so grateful for after waiting so long. I don't like to think about the doubts and questions and uncertainties and struggles that people in relationships actually go through. I haven't had to, and I haven't had to have my illusions shattered. It is an innocence that I'm not really keen to lose. But it's inevitable. Because relationships involve other people, and it would mean having to deal with someone else, not just myself anymore. But I at least want the chance. Please universe, give me a chance to open my heart.