maybe i don't need saving after all

running is so refreshing. even when the air is thin cause it's colder out and my sides ache and my chest hurts, the sun feels good on my legs. feeling aware of each muscle feels good. i lied out in the sun to read my book, Julie & Julia, cause there's not a cloud in the cornflower blue sky today. even now i am sitting outside as i write this, and it feels good. today is simple but good. also in the sun i can see how dusty my computer screen is, oops.

the other day i got a new journal cause i am almost out of pages in the old one. i've had it since 2007, which is crazy. there's some ouch stuff in there that i can't bring myself to look back out, stuff from a girl i'm not proud of. i don't know what i'll do with it once i'm done. probably close it away in my drawer. the year is almost over. that's scary and exciting too. here's to a year of being nothing but strong all day every day.

i want a snowfall kind of love

song for the new year:

Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

if I could think to myself every day 'I am okay', that would be enough.

you've got to move

the other day i was playing dress up, wearing my dress around the house for no reason at all, with my black boots and fearless on my wrist. every day i am someone different. yesterday i wore makeup heavier than i usually do, just because. today i am a dancer: scarf, fearless tank, cardigan, black spandex shorts, and leg-warmers.

there are only ten days left in the year. where did it go?

you're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

my wounds have all started to close

so who do you think you are,

running around leaving scars?

collecting a jar full of hearts.

the other day was a fearless day. today was another one of those. cause these things will change. i have grown too comfortable living vicariously and hiding my own soul away, and not needing to really engage in my own life because i have made myself happy watching others, and laughing and crying for others. i need to change this. my new year's resolution will be to do something with myself and live fuller and for myself and for others.

we're faster and never scared

his legs still stun me. i didn't pay much attention this season (oops) but this boy stood out during the couple weeks i did watch.

i wish i was in chicago where it's -14 degrees outside because even if i couldn't stand the cold and couldn't move my bones anymore, at least i would feel something. i want to stand in falling snow and sit with someone else by a fireplace to keep warm and dry my feet.

this week has been monotonous and neverending. it feels like a lot longer than two weeks since i've been home. i wish i got to go back tomorrow. staying two more days feels like forever.

knocking on your door

my heart is swelling again. sometimes i think i love him so much i could cry. life is good. he makes me smile and gives me hope for the future, cause if i could marry a boy half as good as him i'd be happy. i love being an optimist. sometimes i wish i was born in another decade, longing for a different era, but then my professor tells us how fixated our generation is on the ideas of peace and love and equality, and i feel pretty okay with the time in which i was born. the change i get to grow up during. i can't wait for what's to come.

all i really was doing was waiting for love

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? "

- John Lennon

too late to try

i fall asleep with my hair cold down my back and my bed empty. twenty five days left of the year.

my fearless heart is hidden

I have the tendency to keep my heart under a lot of layers of skin and bones. There's never been anyone trying to get in, so I've just gotten used to it. Overly comfortable in all the layers.

atlantic ocean, new york skyline i always get lost when i leave the village

my deserted island album is still

i'm wide awake, it's morning - bright eyes.

i could never tire of it (haven't, after all these years) and it puts me at ease. if i could take one thing, this would be it. (and a way to listen to it, of course). but music aside, the words alone stun me. two summers ago i wanted to write a love story set to bright eyes, but it never got past the framework of a skeleton of an idea. i wish he hadn't ended it. mystic valley isn't the same.

you were born inside of a raindrop and i watched you falling to your death. and the sun, well she could not save you. she's falling down too, now the streets are wet.

you gotta believe

i love him so much. sometimes i forget, or don't realize how much he's taught me about being a better person. standing in front of him, i feel like the best version of myself. when i went away to school i told myself that, even though i wouldn't be able to go to every concert i wanted to see, i WON'T give up his shows. because they are like this special kind of oxygen that i only get so many times a year (it had been over a year, this time) and i can't forget what that oxygen means to me. i won't forget.

the other day i had a line in my head but i forgot before i wrote it down

this week's playlist:

i like you - christina perri

speechless - lady gaga

unintended - muse

roslyn - bon iver & st. vincent

possibility - lykke li

i am thankful for love and hope and a bright future and my friends and family and good songs and charlie brown and my grandma's apple pie recipe. i am thankful for the beautiful people that inspire me each day to try and be a better person, to be the best version of myself possible. i am thankful for sleeping in my own bed and writing in my diary before bed and falling asleep to death cab. i am thankful for sparkly dresses and being a tall girl and summer picnics and bryce avary. i am thankful for God lightening up my life a little bit this year and giving me something to believe in. i am thankful for how far i have come since last thanksgiving.

my bones are shaped like you.

your sweet moonbeam

this is a gorgeous movie opening. it makes me want to fall in love and i watched it twice this summer and it made me fall in love with boys with a low, muted southern accent. not the loud, comedic, made-to-sound-stupid one, but just a soft and natural bend to their words. this is why i want to move out of florida. the soundtrack of this movie also is incredible, it pours over you like warm honey and wraps you up and it's perfect.

"i just figure that,

if guys don't want me to write bad songs about them,

then they shouldn't do bad things."

- taylor swift

wishlist

on my wishlist for this year:

• bukowski
• deepak chopra

anything, i just really want to hear their thoughts. i pretend that sleeping with my cardboard box of books sitting under my bed will let me absorb the words through osmosis. or something like that. i can pretend.

"Destroy my desires, eradicate my ideals,

show me something better, and I will follow you."

- Dostoyevsky

what are you doing for the rest of your life? because i would like to spend mine with you.

levels of permanence

i guess when i said that we were closer, that we had we connected in a different way, i should have realized that meant it was going to hurt more. the good and bad were both going to mean more. i spent a week with your cowboy boots on the floor next to my bed, liking the way my black heels looked next to them, and then all of a sudden i wanted to throw your stupid red and black boots out of my fifth floor window. but i guess because we are closer (even just a little), it is easy to fall back into each other and go back to normal.

(i have been through this pattern before, believe me when i say i know--)

instead we just go back to singing each other songs about breaking hearts, and saying "i love you" back. i won't look at your belongings in my room and be hurt by the sight anymore.

keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off

eight years is quite a long time (for the short time we've been alive); i've known you for almost half of my life. right now i feel like i will never tire of you; i hope you will never tire of me. they say you don't really love something til it's gone or however it goes. i know i loved you before, but now i miss you lots and appreciate you and can't wait to go back. cause neither of us is REALLY gone. it's always only temporary. i just have two homes now.

(and if i don't come back--

i mean, if i get sidetracked,

it's only cause i wanted to)

i love my friends here, but never as much. it's the little things that make me realize how much better you are; when they say "i love renee zellweger" and i still had to google her name to see how it's spelled because your distaste rubbed off on me. how they don't always understand the meaning behind what i say or that i never say things with mean intentions. i'm barely capable of saying genuinely mean things to someone and actually meaning them. it's just not me. i hope it's as easy for people to see that as i think it is. probably not though.

(i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy

so if you wanna be with me--)

i guess all of this is just to say, i missloveneed you. thirteen more days til i see your face.

the answer is within you

this week i feel like, the tiny bubble of my world has been happy and undisturbed, but the outside world is falling apart and realizing it all at once is scary. what is wrong with people? stabbing and shooting and trying to hurt young girls around my campus. why are we letting people die? the weather is so gorgeous outside, but i'm scared to wander off campus. relieved we spend most of our weekend inside. this isn't fair, this isn't how it should be. why do the words "suspect still at large" have to resonate and hang on for so long. i guess what really scares me most is the fact that people still do these things, are still filled with so much hate. when is it going to stop?

war is not the answer

the answer is within you

- within you, ray lamontagne

use your love tonight

you have the best sense of adventure, clenched right between your fingertips. every little moment is new and exciting. it is a good way to live.

"You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless.
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress,
fearless."

- Fearless, Taylor Swift

imagine all the people living for today

I am so glad you are singing in the shower again. It took eight months, but it happened like we all knew it would. "Trying" isn't the right word for it, now you're doing it. You are smiling and living and being your best self. The world has realigned itself and straightened its axis back out again. The sun finally came back out, and it was beautiful. It still is beautiful.

really got a hold on me, baby

"i don't want you but i need you"

i don't like going having to go entire days without seeing the sun. i hope the weather doesn't jump straight from summer to winter this year. i like my fall, thank you very much. also turning winter-pale sucks. how early it gets dark outside throws me off, too.

'wears heart on sleeve'

lovebot.tumblr.com

is my new favorite thing ever.

"After all that is taken, we can only give someone what's left.

So it's hard."

- Taylor Swift

i don't feel any pain unless i try to talk

the idea of becoming my mother, of becoming my parents, is what scares me more than anything about the future. i don't want their negativity, their jaded bitterness towards people and life in general. i want to be kind and good and give back and help people who need or want help. i want to travel and make a difference in someone's life. just one life. they say it is inevitable but i will repeat it like a mantra if it means i can make the opposite true: i will not be my mother. i want to be a mother, but not my mother. i want to be better, for my children and for my husband and for the people around me. and most of all, for myself.

breaking down & coming undone

I am so excited and proud to be Miss Taylor Swift for Halloween. I don't care if they say I'm not dressing up enough, I am being someone I believe in and someone I will feel good about being, instead of using Halloween as an excuse to just dress as slutty as possible. A friend told me I could only be Taylor if I wore a sign on my back that said "I hate Kanye," but that's just it, Taylor is so classy and such a real girl that she would never do that. I had a quote by her in my quote book (which I take very seriously) before I had even warmed up to her music or anything, because somehow I understood that she was a genuinely good person. I am going to spend Halloween day with giant hair curlers in my hair in the hopes of feeling half as beautifully fearless as her. I wanted to get great new heels for the occasion, but I doubt that will happen. Just wearing my red dress, and being her, will be enough. The last two or so weeks were grumpy weeks for me, but I will try to move past all of that and dance the night away until I can't remember all the stupid things that were stressing me out so badly.

for a pocket full of silver and gold

I set out to disappear
And out there I found a new home.

Baltimore Blues No. 1 - Deer Tick

a great song, i don't even know how i found it. it was just there all of a sudden. if you don't know it, you should.

this isn't the storm before the calm

my way of coping with things is crying my heart out & listening to the saddest song til it passes. i don't know what else to do. i can't think fearless when i am being so afraid. i am usually a very calm, go with the flow person, so when i breakdown, i breakdown big and fall hard. this way i can get it all out and not be broken by it tomorrow.

and you look beautiful tonight

"I am in repair.

I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

- John Mayer

i don't like the people who let their mood be dictated by whether they're going to get to go out and party and drink. from being in a bad mood to all of a sudden excited just because they get to go out tomorrow night. also i don't like girls who are obsessed with boys and fixated on getting a boyfriend, but every single day at least once they say "i hate boys" or "i hate happy couples." i don't want a boyfriend right now, i don't need one. i am optimistic for the future, and beautiful, happy couples give me hope. and i'd rather not base my happiness level on going somewhere just to drink. i can have fun without altering my state of mind.

(the sad thing is that both of these descriptions are now My Friends. i will not let myself because that person though. it's not me and it's not who i want to be, at all.)

a great song is pouring into my soul

"i am skin

i am a woman and i'm fine."

- it doesn't hurt, katie thompson

dancing with both eyes closed

today i got my Fearless Heart tank from the warehouse. this is the highlight of my week, probably. tomorrow i am going to feel so strong with my tank + my mantra cuff (that i wear religiously anyways). i am hoping tomorrow is going to live up to its potential. i get paid tomorrow, and find out if i got into the Rollins Plan. fingers crossed for that. also thursdays are generally my favorite day of the week, now. work is always calm and my day is quiet and easy.

on the other hand, i am excited for GLEE tonight. i have so many shows to catch up on tomorrow, but this one is my favorite part of the week.

i have come to a conclusion: the phrase "sensible heels" is a downright lie. shoe-shopping is impossible for me, because my feet are long but narrow. any heels i get are going to break and misconfigure my feet if i dance in them for two hours. i'm at a loss. i can't find boots either, of any kind, that fit my skinny ankles in a way that looks appealing. i give up.

say it again

just because seeing him hurts me, it is not an excuse to be mean. being mean will not solve anything. so i kept my mouth shut and kept walking with my chin held high.

yesterday on the train i read all of Franny and Zooey except for 20 pages, which i'll hopefully finish tonight. i am proud of myself. i started that book practically a month ago. i need a reminder of how much i enjoy reading.

old notes, hidden in the bottom of desk drawers

like ribbons tied around my fingers, around my wrist I wear reminders of those I care about; Keltie's mantra cuff, to give me strength, "you are my sunshine" for me and Lois' faith and positivity, weaved bracelet for my oldest friends, Kayla and Cristin, beaded bracelet as a symbol of peace.

(and the tiny silver ring on my finger for you and our undying friendship, of course)

i try and i try and i try

lately I have been thinking about names, and then today my friends and I were discussing name meanings. my name means Crowned with Laurel and my middle name is Victory of the People, both with French origin, appropriately. if I was a boy I would have been Christopher, which understandably means 'Christbearer'.

I have always been particularly fickle about what I want to name my future children, cause I can only settle on middle names that I really like - Vivian, and Bliss. But a couple days ago I finally decided that I want to name my daughter after Keltie. I can't find the meaning anywhere, but it holds enough personal value that I don't need a definition. She has shaped who I want to be so much and taught me about life and inspiration and how to look for the best in people and each day as we experience them. She has inspired me to be more optimistic and dream big because I can do anything I want if I put my mind to it and work hard. All of the names that start with K-e-l in the name meanings dictionary mean things like warrior and powerful and chief and defender, so I like that, too. The name Keltie is really pretty and unique. Also she's Canadian, so hopefully it's French.

I want my daughter's middle name to be Elizabeth. Elizabeth is my mom's middle name, after her mother. It means Consecrated to God, which I also like. I want to raise my children differently from the way I was raised, so it's appropriate. Keltie Elizabeth.

the fish swam out of the ocean

i wish i had more time to read. actually, that's not right. i wish i took more time out of my day and made myself read, instead of doing mindless things on my laptop or napping just because i'm bored. i used to love reading so much, and i still do, i brought all my books with me, it's just hard to have them still in a box under my bed. i don't even have room for a bookshelf to put them on. i dug franny and zooey out of the box a month ago and have only read a couple pages. at the same time, i feel like all i am doing for classes is reading, so by the time i finish i am too burnt out to pick up a book. it shouldn't be this way. sure, i am reading great literature for my short fiction class, but i am not allowing myself any pleasure reading time.

that will be my goal for this week. thursday, after midterms, instead of holing up in my room in my free time & watching tv shows on my laptop, i will take a book outside and read by the pool or on the lawn. hopefully the weather will be nicer then.

why'd you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to you?

today was a simon & garfunkel day. the weather is cooler but it's still warm in the sun, and i had to wake up early, when my bed was too comfortable to get out of, so the whole morning and early afternoon was slow and sleepy. alyssa's theme song for us at work was The Dangling Conversation.

and we sit and drink our coffee, couched in our indifference like shells upon the shore.

happy october, people of the empty abyss. i can't take my eyes off of you.

i'm not your princess (not yet at least)

i am at this stage in my life where i have a fairytale, happily ever after complex. books and people keep telling me that none of it's true, but i don't care. i want to believe and have this hope, at least for now. i want a white wedding and i want to wear a beautiful princess dress and marry the man of my dreams. i want a white house with blue shutters and a wide wraparound porch with swings to sit and watch the sun go down and wave at the people who walk by. i want my home to be small and warm and always filled with family and love. i want a big backyard and a beagle puppy to run around in it.

i don't need all of this, or any of this, right now. i am fine with waiting for all my dreams to come true in the future. if i wait, they will be better. everything will be better later. i don't much mind the not-knowing part, either. as long as it happens eventually, while my soul is still unburdened and i can still dream big dreams.

9/24/09

Sometimes you just have to accept it and let yourself get rained on.

This morning I got to appreciate the sun, but now I just have to accept that the rain is going to be part of my day, too.

the only living boy in new york

"Good luck exploring the infinite abyss."

- Garden State

i'm damaged, bad at best

I am so proud of this girl, for being a genuine person and a real girl and for being fearless. She was stunning last night, and incredibly graceful about everything that happened. Even after all the terrible things that happened, her performance was still full out.

I am also proud of my girl, Miss Keltie. Everything came full circle to see her dancing again up there, in her own city and this time, for her own heart, and no one else's. Rewatching this performance just now gave me chills.

i thought today was going to be an off day, but i was wrong. the good moments outweighed the bad ones. you know those days where all the bad things just keep adding up until the whole day is sucky? today was the opposite, and it was great. cranberry&lime cocktails and polaroids and sequins and feathers and photobooths and black&white film and, most importantly, friends. this morning i was zoned out and spacey, but tonight i lived fast & full out. overall, it was a successful day.

the psychology of life

I am a better person today than I was yesterday, and I will be a better person tomorrow than I am right now. Everything I learn today will be applied tomorrow. The limit doesn't matter. What matters is how you keep trying to be better than the person you were. Personal growth is always constant. You can always find a new way to challenge yourself. My strongest belief is tomorrow.

but i just haven't met you yet

I love Michael Bublé so fricking much. I could live inside his voice. Every Christmas, my family gives me a new cd of his; I am putting this one on my list for this year. Also, apparently today is his birthday? So there's that.

from the inside out you've changed, girl

have you ever had a song that was YOURS for the longest time, and then you forget about it for probably a year or more, and then find it again? it is the greatest feeling ever. this is my song. it used to be my ringtone and everything. i've still listened to ben kweller, just, through all the switching iPods and losing my iTunes library multiple times, i lost this particular song somewhere along the way. and just found it again, out of the blue.

I am only on my third listen of this record, but so far, I think I like Viva La Cobra better as a whole, for the way the songs fit together and all. This one still feels sort of scattered to me, but that's probably because I don't know the songs that well yet. We did have our first Hot Mess dance party yesterday, however.

I did, however, laugh at the line in the title track 'you go coco' when I noticed it. Nice Mean Girls reference, Gabriel.

a heartbreaker right from the start

Every step this girl dances inspires me to have hope and work hard and keep dreaming. She is so incredibly strong in this piece, I am so proud of her for winning.

pretending I know something about dance

I don't have very many words for this piece. Jeanine's legs are amazing, and I think Jason was one of the few guys soft enough to dance this dance with her and do it as beautifully as it deserves. Travis Wall is one of the few choreographers on the show who doesn't drive me nuts for one reason or another.

I love the moment in contemporary routines where the song finally hits its stride and all of a sudden the dancers are moving in unison and mirroring each other and reaching and I just feel that wrenching pull in the bottom of my gut.

you were better to me than ive been to myself

today i fell in love with this boy all over again. it's gotten to where i can't even explain myself anymore. if i could be half as genuine and selfless and kind-hearted as he is i would be blessed. he has given me faith and made me believe and i know that there are people out there who are just plain good.

i have grown to love people who are strong and beautiful despite their flaws. i used to love the broken boys who hurt my heart to love and watch self-destruct. it is much nicer feeling my heart swell with pride or happiness or love that knows no bounds. i want to be able to sing and dance and breath the air, instead of trying to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore.

i just saw this movie and fell a little bit in love with it. i have loved Zooey Deschanel for a while now, but i hadn't realized how badly i needed a little Joseph Gordon-Levitt in my life. i think i am a Lonely Girl who values independence like Summer except for not by choice, but just because there's never been someone else who cared enough.

aside from that, the soundtrack was amazing. music by Mychael Danna (of Little Miss Sunshine) and Rob Simonsen. Regina Spektor and Carla Bruni were obvious standouts for me. i haven't yet gotten to the She & Him cover of Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want on iTunes but i'm sure it will be awesome. Summer sang in the movie, which makes this the second movie i've seen Zooey sing in, so that's always a treat.

to my limited knowledge but still appreciative brain, this is perfection in the form of dance. i may or may not be completely in love with Jeanine Mason. she is so strong in this (and amazingly versatile as a mainly contemporary dancer) and she matches Brandon step for step and, in case you can't tell, he is a solid ball of dancing muscle. being so strong, Jeanine retains just that tiny bit of femininity in her dancing to separate them. my favorite moment is when she touches him for the first time, curled over his back, because until that point you don't realize they haven't made physical contact at all so far, because the partnership and bond is still there through the entire thing. these two are my favorite dancers of the season, and the best in my opinion, and i'm really proud of them for making it to the finale.

old words that were never said

may 30, 2009

expectation is a double edged sword. sometimes I think they expect too much of me, expect me to rule the world and do great things when the plans they have for me don't fit with my dreams. I can accomplish great things without changing the entire world, as long as I can change at least one person's life. as long as I can inspire someone in a way that matters. and to do that I will continue to allow myself to be inspired by the work and beauty of others. to find something good about each day, and always share my thoughts and ideas with someone who cares and believes in me.

skipping over cracks in the sidewalk for good luck

i want another window in my room that faces west so i can feel a breeze and see the sunset each night over my bed and stand facing the west, facing you.

i want to live right on the ocean and wake up each morning to the sight of the sea out my wide bay windows and have the sound of the waves crashing to lull me to sleep at night.

my wrists are bound but i forget to who, anymore.

the sound of your voice in my ears

falling in love with a generation that is not mine. through the words and the songs and the faces. somedays i feel i was born at the wrong time and i don't fit in here. wouldn't belong at all if i didn't have someone to hold on to.

i miss my birds and the person you used to be. whatever happened to that naive, simpler version of you?

my words get all mixed up and reversed before i can say them

ive kissed others and meant for it to be for you, all of it for you. sometimes the world has a way of throwing things at you at the worst possible timing, you just have to hold your chin up and roll with it. i won't fall down alone.

songs that remind me of jersey

in between fever nightmares i see your ocean eyes and breathe a little easier until the sun rises over the sea.

"this part of my life is called running"

packing my suitcase to leave this state behind for good & painting my eyes so you won't recognize me when i get where im going

we could be heroes

the sun set in the sea of nothing and I thought of infinity and you.

how many peoples pictures are we in the background of?

i always start becoming really close with someone, and then look back through old photoalbums and there they are, in the background of my old pictures, and i wonder, how did i not realize it sooner? i could have had more time with them. now countdown to graduation feels like a record of days til goodbye.

cause we all have wings but some of us don't know why

Maybe it's not that soap operas are overdramatic (okay, so they really, really are) but just that good things can't last forever. And they don't, we have proof of that, society just chooses to turn a blind eye and pretend things can be perfect if we want it hard enough. Something will always ruin it, though.


I want to live out my dreams and see beautiful places and work my butt off doing what I love and being the best I can be and I want to meet people who make me happier than anything else in the world and care about me just as much as I care about them. I don't want to just settle for a mediocre life and whatever job I can get that I will inevitably complain about every day and I don't want to live with someone I'm only pretending to be in love with.


I want everything with you.

crowded like subway cars

you can have your beliefs, but you have to act on them too. this is the world we live in and you have to fight to be a better person. don't say you believe in free love and want to make the world kinder, if you're just going to turn around and act just as cruel and cold hearted as everyone else. your words have declined in value now; "reinvent" is meaningless if you stay exactly the same as those before you.

she left him and left you, and now you're forcing everyone away from you again, forcing her to leave you too.

this is what it means to me

I'm not sure what my favorite Beatles song is, it changes a lot, but Hey Jude is one that I can say is on the list of "Songs That Saved Me". Last February, I was going through some stressful stuff, whatever it was I don't remember specifically right now, but one chilly night I bundled up and went to this block party a couple blocks away where a Beatles tribute band was playing and somewhere amidst the drunken old people that were trampling me, that song itself broke through the shell of negativity of whatever I was frustrated and stressed with, and I found myself singing "nah nah nah nahnahnahnah" and "nothing to get hung about" at the top of my lungs and nothing else mattered. And I went home and realized it was going to be okay, as long as I could have moments like that where I feel so alive.

if you never left at all

the past is the past but it's not going anywhere and it's not going to disappear anytime soon. that being said, you can't keep blaming your mistakes on your past, can't keep using that as an excuse, either. no one's going to believe you eventually.

she gave everything and it was never enough

it is so hard for me to let go because they gave me hope, i believed in them and they made me believe in something better, something worthwhile.

i believe two people can be made for each other but not last forever. if someone messes up, the stars aren't going to come around and right everything to make sure you end up on the right path, the right journey leading to the right destination. once we find someone worth it, it is up to us to make it work and make it strong enough to last.

being responsible for your actions means weighing the consequences and considering how it will effect others, too. when someone holds your hand and makes you a better person and makes you happy, you should care enough not to stab them in the back and screw them over.

for everything you went through, you are sure doing one hell of a job making sure you don't end up like him, or making sure you make a better path.

watermelon teeth

Why does love have to be so mean to those who deserve it most? What did they ever do to deserve the hurt? Or maybe it's entirely our own faults. For screwing around and screwing up good things. Maybe it's his fault.


(I don't know what I am saying. frozen grapes and frostbite fingers like it's already summer)

do you remember a time before it fell apart?

You can start over, but you can't erase everything that happened, every thought you had. (I will carry the months of words and memories in my heart for you) I remember the songs and the quotes and the good times -- and the bad times, too, for that matter.

All is not lost unless you cut all ties and force it away from you.

let's get gone for good

i have the desire to leave in the middle of the night and drive, just drive with the windows down til we reach california. i am done and tired of the east coast. i want to be somewhere where the colors are brighter, the sun warmer. sometimes if i squeeze my eyes shut i can pretend.



sunspots on my eyelids won't ever erase the sight of you

if not, what other reason to live

The optimistic part of me believes that there is someone out there for all of us. A soulmate, our other half, whatever. I don't think it's fate and destined and written in the stars -- I think we have to go out and fight and meet people and find that person on our own.

I'm scared of living my whole life and dying without having ever found my missing piece, but I still believe I am young and I will, I will find them.

we all just want to be loved

Yesterday marked two years of having this beautiful angel I call mine in my life. Two years of being happy, of loving and being loved. I have realized who I want to be as a person and I couldn't ask for more.



this is the way that we love/ like it's forever

Anthem

We did not wish to move. We thought suddenly that we could lie thus as long as we wished, and we laughed aloud at the thought. We could also rise, or run, or leap, or fall down again. We were thinking that these were thoughts without sense, but before we knew it our body had risen in one leap. Our arms stretched out of their own will, and our body whirled and whirled, till it raised a wind to rustle through the leaves of the bushes. Then our hands seized a branch and swung us high into a tree, with no aim save the wonder of learning the strength of our body. The branch snapped under us and we fell upon the moss that was soft as a cushion. Then our body, losing all sense, rolled over and over on the moss, dry leaves in our tunic, in our hair, in our face. And we heard suddenly that we were laughing, laughing aloud, laughing as if there were no power left in us save laughter.

- Ayn Rand

scrawled on a napkin from the morning of saturday, february 14

"the sun still rises and warms my skin but my world has been flipped upside down. what do you do when the only thing left to hold on to is still 1162 miles away?"

learning how to live

Today we had a picnic with a picnic basket and lied on our blanket in the sun and played frisbee in the grass and did cartwheels and took polaroids and everything was just easy.

I think I have learned that life will only be good if you go out and work to make it good. Just sitting at home, waiting around for something to happen, isn't going to make happiness come knocking on your door. Don't ever forget that.

lately the world feels too heavy and frustrating and i don't know what to do.

(it's not even been a week yet)

there was a time when sleep was my favorite time of day, and then i started to live my life differently and fully so that such was not the case. but somehow, i am back where i began. the unthinkingness of sleep is all i have.

if life could be different we wouldn't feel this way

watching someone else's dreams die is the hardest thing. especially if you've just had to let go of your own. how can i keep my eyes dry when everyone around me is broken?

(no sleep ever/ no sleep til im dreaming of you)

ways you know you're bound to end up an english major:

1. Your pocket thesaurus is your best friend.
2. Webster's dictionary is second best.
3. You have a list of words that are your favorites -- whether for sound or meaning , etc.
4. When writing, you have to find the right word, the right way to say something, or else it will seem wrong and bother you. Thus, see Number 1.



... to be continued, if I think of more, or someone else comes up with something that fits the list.

uncontrollable forces that are bigger than us

today she told me about fate and destiny and how there's a reason for everything, for me not going to the school i was dying to go to. she said maybe ill meet someone important or do something great at the school i do end up at and that's why i was rejected. there's always a reason for things like that.

ive worked really hard to try to be the best i can be, and it's still hard to be told you're not good enough, not smart enough, not involved enough.

i am scatterbrained today, sorry

im trying not to get into that "beginning of the end" mindset, trying not to miss people before they're gone, but its harder than you think

i have this hollow feeling in my chest music is the only thing that makes sense anymore focusing on the notes on the page and the pulse makes nothing else matter for the time being. (don't know how i am going to give it up, but apparently ive convinced myself i can.)

today we skipped rope in the morning sun and sang songs like we were little kids again and school, the future, nothing mattered.

"how did he know to put the 'pursuit' part in there?"

every other song on the radio is a different boy, a different set of memories, a different heartache. i drive in deafening silence instead.

is it so hard to be happy?

i use erasers and white-out to fix my mistakes

I do not regret any huge actions or choices of my life, but I do often look back and miss people that I was close to or that helped shape me as a person, but for whatever reason I have lost contact with, and I wish I could go back in time and cling to those people so I wouldn't lose them again.

the taste you leave is still stuck in my mouth

Today she and I lied on our backs in the grass during gym, behind the benches in the stadium where no one could see us. The sun was warm on our faces and the breeze cool, and we considered staying there all day to see if we could get away with it without anyone finding us.



(we didn't stay)

love that is ephemeral

if i can't believe in love what am i supposed to believe in? how am i supposed to have hope in finding happiness? i don't know how to shape my future because everything ive wanted or seen myself being has been ripped out from beneath me.

no more time to lose anymore
the clock is ticking



why must we be alone?