maybe i don't need saving after all

running is so refreshing. even when the air is thin cause it's colder out and my sides ache and my chest hurts, the sun feels good on my legs. feeling aware of each muscle feels good. i lied out in the sun to read my book, Julie & Julia, cause there's not a cloud in the cornflower blue sky today. even now i am sitting outside as i write this, and it feels good. today is simple but good. also in the sun i can see how dusty my computer screen is, oops.

the other day i got a new journal cause i am almost out of pages in the old one. i've had it since 2007, which is crazy. there's some ouch stuff in there that i can't bring myself to look back out, stuff from a girl i'm not proud of. i don't know what i'll do with it once i'm done. probably close it away in my drawer. the year is almost over. that's scary and exciting too. here's to a year of being nothing but strong all day every day.

i want a snowfall kind of love

song for the new year:

Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

if I could think to myself every day 'I am okay', that would be enough.

you've got to move

the other day i was playing dress up, wearing my dress around the house for no reason at all, with my black boots and fearless on my wrist. every day i am someone different. yesterday i wore makeup heavier than i usually do, just because. today i am a dancer: scarf, fearless tank, cardigan, black spandex shorts, and leg-warmers.

there are only ten days left in the year. where did it go?

you're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

my wounds have all started to close

so who do you think you are,

running around leaving scars?

collecting a jar full of hearts.

the other day was a fearless day. today was another one of those. cause these things will change. i have grown too comfortable living vicariously and hiding my own soul away, and not needing to really engage in my own life because i have made myself happy watching others, and laughing and crying for others. i need to change this. my new year's resolution will be to do something with myself and live fuller and for myself and for others.

we're faster and never scared

his legs still stun me. i didn't pay much attention this season (oops) but this boy stood out during the couple weeks i did watch.

i wish i was in chicago where it's -14 degrees outside because even if i couldn't stand the cold and couldn't move my bones anymore, at least i would feel something. i want to stand in falling snow and sit with someone else by a fireplace to keep warm and dry my feet.

this week has been monotonous and neverending. it feels like a lot longer than two weeks since i've been home. i wish i got to go back tomorrow. staying two more days feels like forever.

knocking on your door

my heart is swelling again. sometimes i think i love him so much i could cry. life is good. he makes me smile and gives me hope for the future, cause if i could marry a boy half as good as him i'd be happy. i love being an optimist. sometimes i wish i was born in another decade, longing for a different era, but then my professor tells us how fixated our generation is on the ideas of peace and love and equality, and i feel pretty okay with the time in which i was born. the change i get to grow up during. i can't wait for what's to come.

all i really was doing was waiting for love

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? "

- John Lennon

too late to try

i fall asleep with my hair cold down my back and my bed empty. twenty five days left of the year.

my fearless heart is hidden

I have the tendency to keep my heart under a lot of layers of skin and bones. There's never been anyone trying to get in, so I've just gotten used to it. Overly comfortable in all the layers.

atlantic ocean, new york skyline i always get lost when i leave the village

my deserted island album is still

i'm wide awake, it's morning - bright eyes.

i could never tire of it (haven't, after all these years) and it puts me at ease. if i could take one thing, this would be it. (and a way to listen to it, of course). but music aside, the words alone stun me. two summers ago i wanted to write a love story set to bright eyes, but it never got past the framework of a skeleton of an idea. i wish he hadn't ended it. mystic valley isn't the same.

you were born inside of a raindrop and i watched you falling to your death. and the sun, well she could not save you. she's falling down too, now the streets are wet.

you gotta believe

i love him so much. sometimes i forget, or don't realize how much he's taught me about being a better person. standing in front of him, i feel like the best version of myself. when i went away to school i told myself that, even though i wouldn't be able to go to every concert i wanted to see, i WON'T give up his shows. because they are like this special kind of oxygen that i only get so many times a year (it had been over a year, this time) and i can't forget what that oxygen means to me. i won't forget.