keep your head above water but don't forget to breathe

Last night, I was Taylor Swift for Halloween, for the second year in a row. Because I didn't have any thing else costume-y to wear and obviously she is my favorite forever. Wearing black combat boots in the absence of cowboy boots or tall black riding boots was perhaps a Christina-esque twist, but shh I love my combat boots. I wore my Fearless cuff & drew a small sharpie 13 on the inside of my wrist. (Luckily I didn't do a big one on my hand, because the stupid club insisted on putting giant sharpie x's on BOTH of my hands, and those still haven't come off.)

I didn't do much dancing (none at all, really) in the short time we were actually at the club, but when we first got there and were standing around I realized belatedly they were playing a club remix of Jar of Hearts for a couple seconds, mashing it together with other songs, but I absolutely freaked out. I wish my girl had been there with me to understand how awesome the moment was. It was supposed to be my first time partying with all of my NCM sisters, but I went with my friends who are in a different sorority, and didn't realize NCM had changed their minds & decided to go somewhere else without telling me. So, sadface. Whatever. There's always next time.

everybody wants to love, everybody wants to be loved

I miss the summer & being home & my tan summer skin & you & iced green tea & reading by the pool & cold weather & wearing my favorite scarf & fitting together like puzzle pieces & sharing an umbrella in the rain & dancing together & laughing. I will never forget. I don't want to go to sleep because when I wake up, you still won't be here. One hundred and forty miles is too far.

while the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide

Today is impossibly, disgustingly busy, in that I have just short of two hours free for the entire time period of 10am to 9pm. However, my Health test went much better than expected, French feels like it's coming somewhat more effortlessly, as far as speaking it in class goes, at least, and I got almost an hour for lunch instead of a half hour, so Kelly and I had time to actually take our time and split a piece of magnificent chocolate cake (that I had to buy this time) and then sit there digesting (god, so full) and laughing at our health textbook like middle schoolers.

Also, most importantly, I have my copy of Speak Now!!! It is looking like I won't get to listen to it until 9pm tonight, cause I want to get the full experience, not listen to it at work with only one headphone (and Dexter playing next to me) and keep being interrupted. Also I need to study French, since I have like no time tonight. Sigh. Instead I am going to listen to the other awesome album I have now, Some Things Don't Wash Out, because I only got it Saturday night and knew I wasn't going to get enough time to really enjoy it and only it before getting Speak Now.

"People don't realize this, but loneliness .... it's underrated."
-- Tom Hansen

this weekend has been magical

On Friday night, my French class went to see Giselle by the Orlando Ballet, which I was super excited for and it was awesome. My very first ballet! We had to dress up, so I wore a pretty dress and black tights. Act II with the Wilis in their gauzy white dresses was stunning and breathtaking. It is my dream to dance en pointe, but I know I never will.

Saturday morning, I woke too early but walked to Starbucks with my friend, and then we shopped on Park Ave a little bit and crossed the train tracks to wander the farmer's market for a bit. We both wore dresses and it was gorgeous out, because Florida in October is still warm enough for sundresses. Then we came back to my room and hung out, watching The Big Bang Theory and burning her new pomegranate candle, even though technically we aren't allowed to have candles in our dorms. Shh.

Saturday night, You, Me, and Everyone We Know was playing at The Haven which is not even ten minutes away, and I wanted so badly to go but my girl wasn't here to go with me and so I wasn't planning on getting to go. Then on Friday, spur of the moment, I decided I simply had to go, and convinced previously mentioned friend to go with me. And it was wonderful. I was dancing and singing my lungs out. I wore this blue floral dress, and my combat boots.

Highlight of the evening: we were wandering around in between sets of tiny bands I've never heard of, and as we walked past the bar, some random older guy yelled at me, "Taylor Swift in the house!" It made me beam.

Today I woke up even earlier and couldn't get back to sleep, which was unfortunate, but I got to wear my new YMAEWK shirt that I love. In conclusion, I spent just over twenty four hours (Friday night - Saturday night) in dresses and it was wonderful.

living in the shadow

I love when I get to wear combat boots and ballet slippers in the same day. Love it. Ballet today was hard, but it was my own fault for not being 100% there mentally. My body didn't know what to do cause my brain couldn't focus. And my toes hurt, and Dr. Suzanne has started noticing how I knuckle my toes and trying to help me fix them, cause my balance on my right foot sucks. However, we are starting to learn the choreography for our performance at the end of the year, and she keeps telling us about our pretty baby blue dresses, for which I am ecstatic.

because I love Keats

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be

When I have fears that I may cease to be
    Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
    Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
    Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
    Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
    That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
    Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

to the ground where you left my heart to bleed

Lately I have started stumbling upon someone at school who so strongly resembles a ghost from my past that my heart stops in dread every time I see them. It's like facing someone I don't want to even acknowledge the existence of and now I have a reminder always when I am least expecting it. Please stop haunting me.

finding truth in my english textbook

"with happiness, which lies within the reach of all for it is dependent on virtue, which becomes possible when--though only when--self-love is transmuted into love of others and love of God."

I believe in this so strongly. It took me a long time to find myself and learn to be happy and love myself, and now I feel like I can spread that love to everyone I meet, whether with a smile or something bigger. Only once you are OKAY with yourself and with being alone with yourself, can you take in the entire world in a positive way and project that love back out into the universe. It's not easy, but it's worth it, I promise.

give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around

Sometimes, being able to hold myself together when I really really need to cry is not a good thing. I came close to breaking down mentally in Ballet, but somehow held it together. I just feel like today is neverending and I don't know how I'm going to make it to tomorrow.

...

Part two: The day was long and I didn't get back to my room till 10:30pm, but a fun and crazy night with my new sisters made the whole day better and worth it and okay.

life goes on

 

These three girls make me who I am. If I didn't carry pieces of each of them with me I would be a sad, lost soul. I have integrated each of them into the way I walk and talk and dance and love and think and view the world as a whole. They make me a better person. Because of them, I am that much closer to being the best possible version of myself. Because of them, I am fulfilled and my heart is full of love. They inspire me and can fix anything that goes wrong with a song or a dance or a story.

Good things about today:

- I talked to two boys that I don't know very well! All by myself! This is not a regular occurrence for me, okay. 

- the October weather has been absolutely gorgeous so far

- continuing to bond with my new sisters

- dinner with Kelly was fun and a satisfying end to the day

- Christina's ustream and her absolutely gorgeous songs that I cannot wait to have in my hands.

- three weeks until Speak Now!!

Perhaps I am obsessed with keys because I keep my heart locked away and I am just waiting for someone to come find it.

listening to songs that take me right back one year ago

October is already such a beautiful month. The weather is gorgeous and everything is going well. The lovebugs are disgusting, but. I can't wait till I get to go home and I can't wait till Speak Now and Keltie's book and Some Things Just Don't Wash Out. I wish my girl could visit this month and see our band together, but I don't think she'll come till November. Sad.

Yesterday I got into the local sorority I have wanted to be in for months now, so I am ecstatic about that. I was already friends with a lot of the girls, but now I get to get closer to those I already knew and make new friends, too. Yesterday for Bid Day we played games and then went bowling, and it was grand.