Five long days and four more hours till I am there again with you.

I know that, this month I gave up a great opportunity that the universe had handed me, and even though the decision was stressing me out a lot, I never had the single moment of relief once I knew I wasn't (couldn't) going. Going would've seriously thrown me out of my comfort zone, and I know it would have been super scary at first, but so incredibly helpful to me overall. I even daydreamed that, maybe, since I am so stuck here, maybe I could finally meet someone there, someone that would make those seven weeks magical.

But I didn't go.

I stayed home, and instead I got almost a whole week with you. And now I know why I stayed. And I am so grateful for that. Even if it never comes to anything, I wouldn't give up the way you make me feel when I'm next to you for anything. I am counting down the days until I get to see you again. It's hard, because I don't have a specific date but it's going to be almost a month. Please, hurry back into my life soon.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

Standing in front of you, I feel completely at ease. I guess being able to be myself and dance my heart out in front of you is better than not being able to breathe. I guess that, in itself, is the magnificent part of it all. I want you dancing next to me, singing the words to me, always.

I hope it's nice where you are. I hope I get to see you again soon. Those five hours were beautiful, but they weren't enough to last me another month. I need something to look forward to you. I need to know I'm going to see your face again. I would have given anything to be the one falling asleep next to you. I would have stayed up all night, for you. I would rather go home with you, than sleep. Can we stay next to each other forever? Can we be birds together?

This night is sparkling.

Tomorrow night, I get to breathe again. You are my oxygen, now. These last two days without you have felt like forever. I can't wait to see your face again. I know that when I see you, nothing else will matter. I can't wait to make you laugh again. To see your smile again.

The Girl Who Waits

I am going to preface this post by saying that this is a couple months old, this was the entry I submitted for Keltie's guest blogger posts, and it never got posted. So I am posting it now, to put my thoughts out there even though this certainly isn't where my head is at right now.

I tend to wonder a lot why the universe/God/whatever has decided that I should be alone for so long. Why hasn’t my prince charming come along and taken one look at me and decided I am the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on? Why have I gone twenty years without a date, a kiss, an anything? Why did the universe choose me to be single forever? Why have I learned to love myself, only for no one else to notice and love me too? Am I so independent and strong that I scare people off? Or is it because I’m too quiet, because I want someone to notice me and make an effort, without me having to throw myself in their face.

Then I realized that I have the bad habit of choosing the wrong boys. The first and only two times that I put myself out there for a boy, they ended up being unavailable or unattainable. They didn’t want me enough. They “didn’t date friends” or they already had a girlfriend. But neither of those things stopped them from holding my hand and flirting endlessly. Now, I pick a guy that I find attractive to emotionally attach myself to and obsess over. I am the girl sitting across the room, dancing next to you in the club, all the while imagining what it would be like if you were smiling like that at me. We’ve never even spoken, but everytime I see you my heart skips a beat and for half a second I can’t breathe. It’s like I’m already in love with someone who doesn’t even know I exist. Someone I know isn’t good boyfriend material, so I just let myself simultaneously enjoy and anguish over admiring you from a distance.

I don’t even try to put myself out there; I’m too shy to try and talk to you. I am the girl standing quietly in the corner at that party, wearing a sundress and combat boots because I can. I want you to see me and think that my messy curly blonde hair is beautiful, that my quiet, my-mind-is-elsewhere attitude is mysterious and so intriguing that you absolutely have to come up and talk to me.

It hasn’t happened yet, but I know that it will one day, when we are both ready. Sometimes I think that God picked me to be alone because I am confident and love myself enough to actually be alone. Maybe someone less fortunate than me, someone who hasn’t yet realized how truly beautiful they are, was the one who needed someone to love them more than I do. Eventually, it will be my turn. And I will be ready.

all I know is that I love you tonight

This week, I fell in love. Quickly. Like I always do. With the most beautiful creature in the universe. And this time, maybe it's been months coming. I was inexplicably drawn to you from the very beginning. I just didn't understand why. But that was before, and now I know.


I love your smile. I love your voice. I love the way your shoulders shake when you laugh. I love your legs. I love the way you look at me when I make you laugh. I love your arms for their strength. I love the way you walk like the world will wait for you. I will never forget your smile. I love your name even when I don't use it. Of course I couldn't remember your name in the beginning, and now it's sewn onto my heart. For four days, you were my universe. Now you have my heart. I want to be your best friend. I want to walk around with our pinkies crossed. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but right now it's beautiful. Every song reminds me of you. I was driving and the sky was cloudy and there was a rainstorm in the distance, and I thought of you. I don't know why.

I don't ever want you to stop looking at me that way. Like I am brand new, like everything I say is a secret I'm revealing to you. I want to walk in your shadow. After four straight, long days with you there, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. Until Saturday. I miss you. And it's been ten hours.


Things happen for a reason. Sometimes I spend sleepless nights worrying about what I'm going to do and missed opportunities, and then six days later, I realize that if I had left to seize that opportunity, I would have missed out on you. And that is the saddest thing. You make me feel like the sky exploding. In the very best way. I will never forget the first time I made you smile at me. Because it was beautiful.

I can't sleep and I'm stressed out thinking about plans and future things that are undecided and I don't know what to do. I've been ignoring the letter I got in the mail for a week, but tonight mom asked about it and I lied and now I'm not only stressed out about the fact that I haven't made a decision, but also that I lied to her and she's going to be angry and now I have to figure out how to tell her, too.

I hate being home and being so bored and knowing I'm going to end up depressed by the end of the summer. Again. I am fine with being alone and being with myself, but after three and a half months of nothingness and feeling useless, I can't take it anymore. I don't know how to change it. Everything hurts because all I do is sit around all day. Today I didn't even have to get properly dressed. I didn't even leave the house. And I don't think I did yesterday, either. Basically I am going to go stir crazy. I can't even cry to relieve the stress that's keeping me from sleeping.

it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

It is really hard to go from being at school and being busy all the time and dancing twice a week and being surrounded by my sisters and having my own independence, to being stuck at home for three and a half months and not having a car and being stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and not having my sisters around and having my mom ripping my head off every other day about some insignificant thing. And my feet hurt from not stretching and dancing anymore. I can't wait to go back to school and I can't wait to take Ballet II. Basically the only good things about being home are my kitty and being able to paint my nails, which I won't be able to do for a whole semester once Ballet starts up again.

I just stomped around my room like her to this and Better Than Revenge. It makes me feel better.

"This is my new life: I push pain away all day, and the moment I put my arms down it walks into me and has a seat."
- Open House by Elizabeth Berg

I started out slow with this book about two months ago, and eventually got bored with it and picked something else up, which is a very bad habit I have. A bad habit of buying more books and more books and never finishing the ones I start. But now I have gone back to it, and have read almost all of it in about three days. It's actually a really good book, with sudden insights that knock you off your feet. Like that quote. That line reminded me of Keltie's book and what she was going through when she started writing it. And I was right, I did hear about this one from her, somewhere along the way. That is one of the trends in things I read: so many of the books I've read in the last year or so, I heard about from her. The other trend is that I unintentionally end up reading a lot of books and memoirs about divorce, marriages falling apart, infidelity. I'm not really sure why.

As an English major/Creative Writing minor, I think one of my options as a thesis project to try and achieve Honors in my major, is to write a novel. Instead of a disgustingly long research paper that would probably make me pull all of my hair out in frustration. And I love my hair. But I am very interested in the idea of trying to write a significant portion of a novel, or a memoir of some sort. It would take a lot of serious dedication. I am not usually that driven while writing; it's a bad habit to have when I want to be a writer. Cause I know that being a writer -- and doing something like a novel as my thesis -- is the kind of thing where you have to MAKE yourself sit down and write every morning, whether you're feeling the inspiration or not. And I have the bad habit of not writing unless I am feeling inspired enough. And again, I have difficulties finishing things I start. I am going to have to overcome these weaknesses and force myself to write. I am getting a feel for what kind of novels I want to be writing when I am older, but I need to take all the necessary steps and do the hard work to get to that level of proficiency. Last summer I read Anthropology of An American Girl by Hilary Thayer Hamann (after reading about it in O Magazine), and realized that is the sort of novel I aspire to write. A few steps about Sarah Dessen's books. Less Young Adult and more Adult.

"I also am learning to accept that I won't shine any more or less than I was created to. I just have to follow my heart, never intentionally hurting anyone in the process, and I'll shine as much as I'm meant to."
- Shania Twain

You know how the story ends.

So I didn't meet Taylor (or Caitlin or Liz or Grant or Amos or Paul or) and my heart is a little bit broken for that fact, because meeting her was my New Year's Resolution, my wish for every single 11:11 and shooting star this year so far, and now that it's over and it didn't happen . . . But it was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She is the most beautiful thing. I cried and had the best night of my life and danced and sang my heart out by myself and held my TAYLOR IS MY TWIN sign the entire time and got so many compliments and people saying I do look like her, which always makes me feel amazing. One girl outside before the show even asked to take a picture with me just because of how much I look like her! I probably would've died or fainted or something if I actually met Taylor, anyway. And I know that the universe has plans for me, that it's in the stars and I will meet her one day. I just have to wait a little longer. And keep wishing.

And I know that I am so incredibly, amazingly blessed for the chance I got, to have my inspiration, the queen of my universe in front of me for two whole hours. For the second time. I am so lucky. I know not many people get to experience that, and it's nearly impossible to describe. It just made me heave dry sobs a lot under the weight of trying to absorb the fact that the girl I love more than anything in the world was right there in front of me, her soul shining out for all of us to see. Every day I think I couldn't possibly love her more, and then she goes and proves me wrong. I don't ever want to stop loving her.

it's like a million little stars spelling out your name

So, I'm seeing Taylor Swift tomorrow night. No big deal. Wish me luck with meeting her, friends. I realized too late that I should've bought another mantra cuff so that I could give it to her, which makes me sad. But I simply cannot part with my own, because I have one of the special ones, one of the first 50 or 100 or whatever that she made, that doesn't have the little KC inside the heart. I love it too much. So instead, I am making friendship bracelets for Tay and Liz and Caitlin. And crossing my fingers for the chance to give them to them.