The Girl Who Waits

I am going to preface this post by saying that this is a couple months old, this was the entry I submitted for Keltie's guest blogger posts, and it never got posted. So I am posting it now, to put my thoughts out there even though this certainly isn't where my head is at right now.

I tend to wonder a lot why the universe/God/whatever has decided that I should be alone for so long. Why hasn’t my prince charming come along and taken one look at me and decided I am the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on? Why have I gone twenty years without a date, a kiss, an anything? Why did the universe choose me to be single forever? Why have I learned to love myself, only for no one else to notice and love me too? Am I so independent and strong that I scare people off? Or is it because I’m too quiet, because I want someone to notice me and make an effort, without me having to throw myself in their face.

Then I realized that I have the bad habit of choosing the wrong boys. The first and only two times that I put myself out there for a boy, they ended up being unavailable or unattainable. They didn’t want me enough. They “didn’t date friends” or they already had a girlfriend. But neither of those things stopped them from holding my hand and flirting endlessly. Now, I pick a guy that I find attractive to emotionally attach myself to and obsess over. I am the girl sitting across the room, dancing next to you in the club, all the while imagining what it would be like if you were smiling like that at me. We’ve never even spoken, but everytime I see you my heart skips a beat and for half a second I can’t breathe. It’s like I’m already in love with someone who doesn’t even know I exist. Someone I know isn’t good boyfriend material, so I just let myself simultaneously enjoy and anguish over admiring you from a distance.

I don’t even try to put myself out there; I’m too shy to try and talk to you. I am the girl standing quietly in the corner at that party, wearing a sundress and combat boots because I can. I want you to see me and think that my messy curly blonde hair is beautiful, that my quiet, my-mind-is-elsewhere attitude is mysterious and so intriguing that you absolutely have to come up and talk to me.

It hasn’t happened yet, but I know that it will one day, when we are both ready. Sometimes I think that God picked me to be alone because I am confident and love myself enough to actually be alone. Maybe someone less fortunate than me, someone who hasn’t yet realized how truly beautiful they are, was the one who needed someone to love them more than I do. Eventually, it will be my turn. And I will be ready.