Can't stop thinking.

After these next eight days, I won't see you again for eight whole months. Eight long, horrible, sweltering months that I will spend alone in the city. An unfamiliar city. And you will be in another, colder state. A visit or two in Europe in the fall is going to be the only oxygen I get. For the rest of the year. This thought is terrifying. How am I supposed to say goodbye when right now, so submerged in my feelings for you, I can't even process us being apart for so long? I get upset and messed up when we don't see each other for less than a week. What's going to happen when whole months begin to pass?

The universe has been kinder these last few days, though. I feel like I'm getting back what I had lost for a while there. And it feels wonderful. I am shining, again. My pleading for guidance has been answered.

Are you watching, or just waiting to see?

Last night I decided to just say, fuck it. I give up. I give up on trying so hard. I am going to sit back and let what happens naturally, happen. Because that is when it is good. When I try to force things, that's when I get upset and frustrated. I am going to just enjoy spending time with the people who are actually available and choosing to be around me. If she doesn't want to come around, then she doesn't have to.

Of course, right after I decided this, she and some other friends strolled into my room. It didn't last long, but she was there. Sitting down on my floor, like she belonged there.

I am going to take it as a good sign.

Universe, I need help.

I am at a loss for what to do anymore. The girl that I am in love with and I were getting closer and laughing together and it was wonderful, we had the potential to be such great friends, and then it just stopped. Everything came to a standstill. Now we barely talk, and she hardly ever acknowledges me when we pass by each other around campus. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her to hold a conversation with me through text. And I never see her in person during the week. I feel like I am giving 90% and only getting 10% in return. I understand that I care too much and am way more invested, but I don't get why she just stopped. Things were going so well. I thought she wanted to be closer to me. I used to make her smile. And now, nothing. Radio silence.

I feel like I am projecting love me love me love me and getting nothing in return. It feels hopeless, like the person that I want so badly couldn't possibly want me back -- because that just doesn't happen. It's too slim of a chance. How do people ever find another person who just happens to like them back? Never in my entire life has someone caused me so much frustration and confusion and anguish. I guess it's nice to feel things at all, and to feel so strongly passionate about someone, but I can't shine without her here to light me up. Only feeling the negative things for 95% of the week, is not fun. What do I do? I need the universe's guidance so badly right now.

Yesterday in class, my professor talked about how whatever is going on in our world is just a projection of what is happening in our heads. That we affect everything external to us. That we cause it. I was worried that things were going to change after that moment, and so they did. This is my fault. But she can't possibly feel that I don't want her or that I am neglecting her, because I am trying so hard and putting so much energy into this and giving her so much of myself, and not getting anything back.

What do I do? Do I keep trying and keep pushing, at the risk of being overbearing or overwhelming? Because I don't want her to think I don't care. Or do I back off and wait for her to come to me? If she even wants to. Because so far, backing off, not talking to her for weeks at a time, hasn't really worked for me. But all the little, once-a-week, absolutely wonderful moments that we do have make me think she has to care some. She has to want something, even just a little bit. I would give her anything. I just need her to actually communicate with me. I can't read minds. And I don't know how girls' brains work. I only know how mine works, and how much I read into everything and how much weight I place on everything. Maybe she doesn't feel any of these things. Maybe she's just busy.