I promise I'm worthy.

"People shouldn't have to go through life alone. It's not normal. The longer you go by yourself, the weirder you get. The weirder you get, the longer you go by yourself."
- Jim Shepard




I'm not sure if this is just an illusion or not. Sometimes I feel so alone, but all evidence points to the fact that I'm not, anymore. Not entirely alone, anyways.

“I’m tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work.”
-- Natalie Portman

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.

I just want someone to take care of me. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I want to be someone else's universe for once. Or at least the center of it. When I am frustrated, instead of just letting me stew I want someone to push until I break and I want them to make me stop being such a brat. When I stomp up the stairs and into my room, I want someone to follow me. Not just keep yelling back and forth with me from the hallway through a closed door. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me fall apart.

but like everything i've ever known, you'll disappear one day

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I still feel like I'm going to be alone forever. That my heart and I were meant to just kick our way through life on our own. That I won't know what if feels like to hold someone's face in my hands. That you still haunt me, after two years. Two years since you last touched me. Two years since I let you.

My entire life.

good things today:

• wearing my sister's romper
• lying in our courtyard in my bikini after class to read my book in the sun
• new leotard day!
• burlesque dancing in jazz class, oh my god. so. much. fun.
• new Matt Nathanson single!! ahhhh
• both of my feet just cracked and it felt amazing