my favorite songs of 2011

some of these may have come out towards the end of 2010, but these are the songs i had on repeat all year. and i am still not tired of a single one of them.

1. poison & wine - the civil wars
2. last kiss - taylor swift
3. someone like you - adele
4. the girl - city and colour
5. rivers and roads - the head and the heart
6. a thousand years - christina perri
7. safe & sound - taylor swift (ft. the civil wars)
8. we can't be friends - lorene scafaria

through the years, we all will be together

So, Christmas is over -- though I am still listening to my Christmas cds, since I only got them yesterday -- and now the New Year is looming. Oh boy. I have no idea what I want next year's song to be. But I sort of know what I want it to be like. The problem with this year's was that it set me up to be the kindest,  best version of myself this year, which I tried to be. But next year's needs to be about something else.

I taught myself how to grow old without any love.

So I can't believe 2011 is almost over. It feels like I was just trying to come up with a song for the year and think of resolutions and things I wanted to accomplish this year. I had a lot of high hopes and expectations for this year, and looking back, I feel like none of my goals were realized. I didn't find love, at least not as far as a relationship goes. I didn't meet any of the people that I wanted to meet.

But at the same time, a lot of beautiful things happened. It's been a long year, despite how fast it went by, and so I've had to do some digging to remember all the wonderful things I did this year. Last spring, I got to spend more time with my Biggy and fall more in love with her.

In the Spring, I also met my Twinny, and at the time I probably would've never guessed how close we would become. In March, I got to see Bright Eyes for the first time, and I have been listening to him for like five or six years, so that was amazing. He played Poison Oak which is my absolute favorite. If I had to tattoo any lyric on me, it would be and I never thought this life was possible, you're the yellowbird that I've been waiting for. I didn't get to meet him, and that was one of the only two concerts I went to this year, but it was incredible.

This summer, I saw Taylor again on the Speak Now tour, and it was the most sparkly, magical night of my life. I still didn't get to meet her, but so many people there kept double-taking and telling me that I really do look like her and that always makes me so happy, it is the best compliment I could ever receive. Since she is the most perfect person in the universe.

Over the summer, I also started horseback riding again and hanging out at barns with my neighbor, Elizabeth. And oh, how I have missed being around horses. I can't wait until I am older and have my own. At the beginning of the summer, I got to spend a lot of time with my Twinny since she lives close to me, and my Gbig came down to visit us for a couple days. And then at the end of the summer, I got to go back to Jacksonville. The city where my heart is. It was a long train ride for a really short trip, but it was worth it.

This Fall, I got to take Ballet again. I have officially been dancing for over a year now. And I finally feel like I can call myself a dancer. I wouldn't be where I am now if Miss Keltie hadn't given me the strength and courage to jump in headfirst and take Ballet last fall; my first dance class ever. And then in the Spring, I took Jazz I. Now, I am stronger and I got to perform onstage again, in our school's dance concert. Being backstage in the theatre, getting ready surrounded by other dancers, was one of my favorite experiences.

For Halloween, I was black swan/white swan, and this was a goal of mine all year so I am so glad that it was realized. It took me two hours to get ready, and there were still things that could've been done better (if I had better make-up that actually worked properly) and the evening's festivities were a bit of a let down, but it was still so much fun to pretend to be a ballerina for a night.

This semester, semi-formal fell on the same weekend as family weekend, so I got to bring my little sister as my date. And Biggy and I matched, which I of course loved. (Just like the time we accidentally matched when dressing up for my initiation into an English honors society. And all the times we unknowingly wore our big/little shirts on the same day.)

I went on an immersion trip with my sisters, and got to spend a weekend working with Habitat for Humanity for the first time. It was such a humbling and valuable experience. Hours of physical labor as volunteer service work was such a great way to clear my head and stop worrying about all the school things that were stressing me out, even if only temporarily.

And finally, I survived the busiest, most stressful semester of my life. And barely managed a B in French, again. So I am pretty proud of myself for that. Just yesterday I got the amazing news that I was one of two students chosen for an LGBT advocacy internship in Washington, D.C. next summer, fully funded through my school. So I will spend 8 weeks of next summer taking classes at American University and working at an organization of my choice.

In short, I am so grateful for how blessed I have been and all the magical experiences I was given this year.

I still don't know what love means.

I love this girl so much. Being on break makes me miss her. If I go to Paris for a semester, I don't know what I'll do without her. Miss her every single day, probably.

if the right one came along --

in times like these, i just have to keep reminding myself that what is meant to happen, will happen. and timing is everything. i just have to be patient. i have been patient, for two whole semesters. because i have waited so long, my reward is going to be greater, in the end. i am already so blessed, and whatever comes next, it is going to be hard to top that. to top what i have now. because what i have now is perfect.



ps. i love this trend of us actually making time for each other. can we please continue it?

manifest wall

what will you do?

lie for a while with your ear against the earth

If I survive these next two weeks, it will be a miracle. A teary breakdown is pretty much inevitable at this point. I have no idea how I always manage to get everything done in time. Without sacrificing (too much) sleep. It just happens.

I know you're somewhere out there.

For once, I want to be someone else's number one. I am tired of putting my best friends first, and having all of them put their boyfriends first. I don't want to be the forgotten one anymore. I don't want to be silently, passive-aggressively angry anymore.

we might not make it home tonight.

having someone that tells me "i love you" and "goodnight" each night is the best thing ever.


sometimes i regret the way things happened or ended up, like wishing i joined ncm sooner or wishing sam hadn't left, but then i realize that if those things hadn't happened, i wouldn't be where i am now. if i had joined ncm a semester sooner, i wouldn't have spent it getting closer to sam and finding a best friend in her. and if i had joined sooner, i wouldn't have my big as my big. and if sam had stayed here, i might not have ever joined ncm, and then i wouldn't have gained this family. so now i have a family, and a best friend that i can visit in the most beautiful city, the city where my heart lives.

a summer playlist

a summer playlist.
a list of songs i fell in love with (or already was in love with) this summer.


1.  someone like you - adele
2.  poison & wine - the civil wars
3.  skinny love - birdy
4.  red light warning sign - atomic tom
5.  last kiss - taylor swift
6.  washed by the water - needtobreathe
7.  dryland - chris pureka
8.  if you don't wanna love me - james morrison
9.  the story - sara ramirez
10.  today is your day - shania twain
11.  run - matt nathanson
12.  skyscraper - demi lovato
13.  she's so high - tal bachman
14.  lights - ellie goulding
15.  this is war - 30 seconds to mars

I bury my things, my things in the garden.

Tomorrow I am going to write down all my wishes, all the things I want with you and all the things I hope for, and then I am going to bury them in my garden. Maybe when the earth takes them in, the universe can start working on what I want. At least I will be putting it out there.

Now if only I could actually tell you.

Five long days and four more hours till I am there again with you.

I know that, this month I gave up a great opportunity that the universe had handed me, and even though the decision was stressing me out a lot, I never had the single moment of relief once I knew I wasn't (couldn't) going. Going would've seriously thrown me out of my comfort zone, and I know it would have been super scary at first, but so incredibly helpful to me overall. I even daydreamed that, maybe, since I am so stuck here, maybe I could finally meet someone there, someone that would make those seven weeks magical.

But I didn't go.

I stayed home, and instead I got almost a whole week with you. And now I know why I stayed. And I am so grateful for that. Even if it never comes to anything, I wouldn't give up the way you make me feel when I'm next to you for anything. I am counting down the days until I get to see you again. It's hard, because I don't have a specific date but it's going to be almost a month. Please, hurry back into my life soon.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

Standing in front of you, I feel completely at ease. I guess being able to be myself and dance my heart out in front of you is better than not being able to breathe. I guess that, in itself, is the magnificent part of it all. I want you dancing next to me, singing the words to me, always.

I hope it's nice where you are. I hope I get to see you again soon. Those five hours were beautiful, but they weren't enough to last me another month. I need something to look forward to you. I need to know I'm going to see your face again. I would have given anything to be the one falling asleep next to you. I would have stayed up all night, for you. I would rather go home with you, than sleep. Can we stay next to each other forever? Can we be birds together?

This night is sparkling.

Tomorrow night, I get to breathe again. You are my oxygen, now. These last two days without you have felt like forever. I can't wait to see your face again. I know that when I see you, nothing else will matter. I can't wait to make you laugh again. To see your smile again.

The Girl Who Waits

I am going to preface this post by saying that this is a couple months old, this was the entry I submitted for Keltie's guest blogger posts, and it never got posted. So I am posting it now, to put my thoughts out there even though this certainly isn't where my head is at right now.

I tend to wonder a lot why the universe/God/whatever has decided that I should be alone for so long. Why hasn’t my prince charming come along and taken one look at me and decided I am the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on? Why have I gone twenty years without a date, a kiss, an anything? Why did the universe choose me to be single forever? Why have I learned to love myself, only for no one else to notice and love me too? Am I so independent and strong that I scare people off? Or is it because I’m too quiet, because I want someone to notice me and make an effort, without me having to throw myself in their face.

Then I realized that I have the bad habit of choosing the wrong boys. The first and only two times that I put myself out there for a boy, they ended up being unavailable or unattainable. They didn’t want me enough. They “didn’t date friends” or they already had a girlfriend. But neither of those things stopped them from holding my hand and flirting endlessly. Now, I pick a guy that I find attractive to emotionally attach myself to and obsess over. I am the girl sitting across the room, dancing next to you in the club, all the while imagining what it would be like if you were smiling like that at me. We’ve never even spoken, but everytime I see you my heart skips a beat and for half a second I can’t breathe. It’s like I’m already in love with someone who doesn’t even know I exist. Someone I know isn’t good boyfriend material, so I just let myself simultaneously enjoy and anguish over admiring you from a distance.

I don’t even try to put myself out there; I’m too shy to try and talk to you. I am the girl standing quietly in the corner at that party, wearing a sundress and combat boots because I can. I want you to see me and think that my messy curly blonde hair is beautiful, that my quiet, my-mind-is-elsewhere attitude is mysterious and so intriguing that you absolutely have to come up and talk to me.

It hasn’t happened yet, but I know that it will one day, when we are both ready. Sometimes I think that God picked me to be alone because I am confident and love myself enough to actually be alone. Maybe someone less fortunate than me, someone who hasn’t yet realized how truly beautiful they are, was the one who needed someone to love them more than I do. Eventually, it will be my turn. And I will be ready.

all I know is that I love you tonight

This week, I fell in love. Quickly. Like I always do. With the most beautiful creature in the universe. And this time, maybe it's been months coming. I was inexplicably drawn to you from the very beginning. I just didn't understand why. But that was before, and now I know.


I love your smile. I love your voice. I love the way your shoulders shake when you laugh. I love your legs. I love the way you look at me when I make you laugh. I love your arms for their strength. I love the way you walk like the world will wait for you. I will never forget your smile. I love your name even when I don't use it. Of course I couldn't remember your name in the beginning, and now it's sewn onto my heart. For four days, you were my universe. Now you have my heart. I want to be your best friend. I want to walk around with our pinkies crossed. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but right now it's beautiful. Every song reminds me of you. I was driving and the sky was cloudy and there was a rainstorm in the distance, and I thought of you. I don't know why.

I don't ever want you to stop looking at me that way. Like I am brand new, like everything I say is a secret I'm revealing to you. I want to walk in your shadow. After four straight, long days with you there, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. Until Saturday. I miss you. And it's been ten hours.


Things happen for a reason. Sometimes I spend sleepless nights worrying about what I'm going to do and missed opportunities, and then six days later, I realize that if I had left to seize that opportunity, I would have missed out on you. And that is the saddest thing. You make me feel like the sky exploding. In the very best way. I will never forget the first time I made you smile at me. Because it was beautiful.

I can't sleep and I'm stressed out thinking about plans and future things that are undecided and I don't know what to do. I've been ignoring the letter I got in the mail for a week, but tonight mom asked about it and I lied and now I'm not only stressed out about the fact that I haven't made a decision, but also that I lied to her and she's going to be angry and now I have to figure out how to tell her, too.

I hate being home and being so bored and knowing I'm going to end up depressed by the end of the summer. Again. I am fine with being alone and being with myself, but after three and a half months of nothingness and feeling useless, I can't take it anymore. I don't know how to change it. Everything hurts because all I do is sit around all day. Today I didn't even have to get properly dressed. I didn't even leave the house. And I don't think I did yesterday, either. Basically I am going to go stir crazy. I can't even cry to relieve the stress that's keeping me from sleeping.

it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

It is really hard to go from being at school and being busy all the time and dancing twice a week and being surrounded by my sisters and having my own independence, to being stuck at home for three and a half months and not having a car and being stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and not having my sisters around and having my mom ripping my head off every other day about some insignificant thing. And my feet hurt from not stretching and dancing anymore. I can't wait to go back to school and I can't wait to take Ballet II. Basically the only good things about being home are my kitty and being able to paint my nails, which I won't be able to do for a whole semester once Ballet starts up again.

I just stomped around my room like her to this and Better Than Revenge. It makes me feel better.

"This is my new life: I push pain away all day, and the moment I put my arms down it walks into me and has a seat."
- Open House by Elizabeth Berg

I started out slow with this book about two months ago, and eventually got bored with it and picked something else up, which is a very bad habit I have. A bad habit of buying more books and more books and never finishing the ones I start. But now I have gone back to it, and have read almost all of it in about three days. It's actually a really good book, with sudden insights that knock you off your feet. Like that quote. That line reminded me of Keltie's book and what she was going through when she started writing it. And I was right, I did hear about this one from her, somewhere along the way. That is one of the trends in things I read: so many of the books I've read in the last year or so, I heard about from her. The other trend is that I unintentionally end up reading a lot of books and memoirs about divorce, marriages falling apart, infidelity. I'm not really sure why.

As an English major/Creative Writing minor, I think one of my options as a thesis project to try and achieve Honors in my major, is to write a novel. Instead of a disgustingly long research paper that would probably make me pull all of my hair out in frustration. And I love my hair. But I am very interested in the idea of trying to write a significant portion of a novel, or a memoir of some sort. It would take a lot of serious dedication. I am not usually that driven while writing; it's a bad habit to have when I want to be a writer. Cause I know that being a writer -- and doing something like a novel as my thesis -- is the kind of thing where you have to MAKE yourself sit down and write every morning, whether you're feeling the inspiration or not. And I have the bad habit of not writing unless I am feeling inspired enough. And again, I have difficulties finishing things I start. I am going to have to overcome these weaknesses and force myself to write. I am getting a feel for what kind of novels I want to be writing when I am older, but I need to take all the necessary steps and do the hard work to get to that level of proficiency. Last summer I read Anthropology of An American Girl by Hilary Thayer Hamann (after reading about it in O Magazine), and realized that is the sort of novel I aspire to write. A few steps about Sarah Dessen's books. Less Young Adult and more Adult.

"I also am learning to accept that I won't shine any more or less than I was created to. I just have to follow my heart, never intentionally hurting anyone in the process, and I'll shine as much as I'm meant to."
- Shania Twain

You know how the story ends.

So I didn't meet Taylor (or Caitlin or Liz or Grant or Amos or Paul or) and my heart is a little bit broken for that fact, because meeting her was my New Year's Resolution, my wish for every single 11:11 and shooting star this year so far, and now that it's over and it didn't happen . . . But it was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She is the most beautiful thing. I cried and had the best night of my life and danced and sang my heart out by myself and held my TAYLOR IS MY TWIN sign the entire time and got so many compliments and people saying I do look like her, which always makes me feel amazing. One girl outside before the show even asked to take a picture with me just because of how much I look like her! I probably would've died or fainted or something if I actually met Taylor, anyway. And I know that the universe has plans for me, that it's in the stars and I will meet her one day. I just have to wait a little longer. And keep wishing.

And I know that I am so incredibly, amazingly blessed for the chance I got, to have my inspiration, the queen of my universe in front of me for two whole hours. For the second time. I am so lucky. I know not many people get to experience that, and it's nearly impossible to describe. It just made me heave dry sobs a lot under the weight of trying to absorb the fact that the girl I love more than anything in the world was right there in front of me, her soul shining out for all of us to see. Every day I think I couldn't possibly love her more, and then she goes and proves me wrong. I don't ever want to stop loving her.

it's like a million little stars spelling out your name

So, I'm seeing Taylor Swift tomorrow night. No big deal. Wish me luck with meeting her, friends. I realized too late that I should've bought another mantra cuff so that I could give it to her, which makes me sad. But I simply cannot part with my own, because I have one of the special ones, one of the first 50 or 100 or whatever that she made, that doesn't have the little KC inside the heart. I love it too much. So instead, I am making friendship bracelets for Tay and Liz and Caitlin. And crossing my fingers for the chance to give them to them.

Somewhere over the rainbow, there is someone out there for me. Waiting, just like I am waiting. Feeling just as lonely as I feel. I can't wait to find them.

He has the prettiest eyes.

I dreamt about him last night. Even though I know I shouldn't have. I pretty much willed myself to, though. I dreamt we were in a car, someone else was driving and there were three of us in the backseat and I don't remember who the third person was, but he was sitting in the middle and pressed against me. I wrapped my hand around his arm, and then he put his hand in my lap, so I covered his hand with my other hand. My memory is blurry and fuzzy, but warm. I wish it could be real. It just felt so nice to simply hold his hand like that. I miss the innocence that the idea of him once held for me.

The less I give, the more I get back.

So I pretty much listened to this song on repeat nonstop yesterday. I woke up yesterday morning and opened my computer (my first mistake) and then saw something that ripped my heart right out of my chest. Then I had to lie in bed and listen to this song and cry. I know I don't have any rights to him, and that I dug this grave myself, that it's my fault for getting attached, but it still hurt. I am the girl who waits. I am the girl who has never had a boyfriend, so I emotionally attach myself to people I can't have or sometimes don't even know. I am the girl staring into your bright blue eyes and wordlessly begging you to break down the walls I've put up. I am willing you to see how much I want you to come over and say hello to me.

I am a coward. I am alone. I spent all day upset but not telling anyone, and then last night, I got a text, "are you okay?" I didn't even have to tell her. My twin is a mindreader and she just knew it would affect me and I would be upset. I'm not used to having someone implicitly know what is going to hurt me and actually reaching out without having to be told. And that is why she is my twin.

It's official. I'm a wreck. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without my Gbig in my life.

I don't have anything left to say

This weekend I came back to school, to say goodbye. I am horrible at goodbyes. Some of my best friends, my family members, my mentor, are graduating on Sunday morning. That means it's not going to be just, goodbye, see you when the summer is over, but instead goodbye for a really long time, if not forever. There are some that I know will come back and visit as alumni, and some I'm not so sure about. Everyone is going their separate ways, to Nashville, to Oregon, to California. And I will be here. There are people leaving who I didn't get the chance to know as well as I would've liked to. We didn't have enough time.

Now I know better.

A lesson I learned the hard way. Kind of. Don't hate me, but. I've been The Other Woman, but I've never been The Woman. But I know better than that, now. I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't wait around if he doesn't want me enough to end it right away.

riding in cars with boys.

Sometimes nights with boys don't go the way I want them too, and I go upstairs to my room after wine tasting and have to curl up on my bed listening to this song on repeat and cry and feel sorry for myself for a while (kind of like I did after beer tasting, listening to falling by the civil wars and crying over a different boy, wow things change fast. i guess that's a benefit of falling in one-sided lust with boys, at least it's painless when they're replaced) and then stay in a sad funk of being lonely for a couple days.

And then I have an amazing and therapeutic and exhausting hour of playing dance video games with my sisters in the chapter room, and nothing else matters because I love my sisterhood so much. And they are all I need and I will always love them and they will always love me back. No matter what & until the end.

I was enchanted to meet you, too.

Tonight's goal is to finally, finally introduce myself to him. Wish me luck, everyone.

I thought I had you figured out.

Did you really think that you could go a week without trying to talk to me or see me and it would go unnoticed? Did you think I wouldn't mind when it seems like you don't even care what's going on in my life? I thought this bond we have was supposed to mean more than this. Do you even miss me, when we go days with nothing but silence? I know you're busy, everyone is busy, but you obviously have time for him so why can't you make time for me? In two weeks we will both be leaving for the summer. We won't see each other again until August. But I guess that doesn't really matter to you. And when I am feeling particularly vindictive, I am glad that you don't even try to talk to me because at least if we are distant in these last few weeks then maybe I won't miss you as much this summer. Because apparently I can't have both of you at once. As I get closer to her and spend more time with her, you disappear. It's just like Keltie's dad said.

"Baby girl, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."

Why can't I just have you both at the same time? We're supposed to be a family; you are not mutually exclusive events. Why don't you miss me? Why is it always me that has to reach out? And half the time you don't even bother answering me when I do.

I just miss standing in the ocean at midnight with you. Can't we go back to that?


Maybe I just like feeling sorry for myself too much.

You really got me bad.

Tonight, my new boycrushthing (yes, that is his official title) smiled at me. It made me the happiest girl alive. It made me blush, and I NEVER blush because I pretty much physically can't. It was a small & secretive sort of smile too, a sideways look. I felt like the only girl in the room. Okay, so, we were outside, but. He looked gorgeous, and he smiled at me. I'm finally wishing for something different at 11:11 again.

We smiled at each other on Saturday night too, but this time was so much better. I don't really know what else to say. I am speechless.

this time i'll be braver, i'll be my own savior

I submitted my blog to Keltie for her guest blogger's month. Now I just hope she posts it. Fingers crossed for me, guys!! I wrote about a few things that have been on my mind for a week or so now, things I've been trying to work out and understand about myself.

I promise I'm worthy.

"People shouldn't have to go through life alone. It's not normal. The longer you go by yourself, the weirder you get. The weirder you get, the longer you go by yourself."
- Jim Shepard




I'm not sure if this is just an illusion or not. Sometimes I feel so alone, but all evidence points to the fact that I'm not, anymore. Not entirely alone, anyways.

“I’m tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work.”
-- Natalie Portman

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.

I just want someone to take care of me. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I want to be someone else's universe for once. Or at least the center of it. When I am frustrated, instead of just letting me stew I want someone to push until I break and I want them to make me stop being such a brat. When I stomp up the stairs and into my room, I want someone to follow me. Not just keep yelling back and forth with me from the hallway through a closed door. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me fall apart.

but like everything i've ever known, you'll disappear one day

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I still feel like I'm going to be alone forever. That my heart and I were meant to just kick our way through life on our own. That I won't know what if feels like to hold someone's face in my hands. That you still haunt me, after two years. Two years since you last touched me. Two years since I let you.

My entire life.

good things today:

• wearing my sister's romper
• lying in our courtyard in my bikini after class to read my book in the sun
• new leotard day!
• burlesque dancing in jazz class, oh my god. so. much. fun.
• new Matt Nathanson single!! ahhhh
• both of my feet just cracked and it felt amazing

I know you're thinking about jumping ship.

So, forget what I said before. I didn't get a Little this semester, because of how the numbers worked out. I'm a little bummed, cause I was mentally preparing myself for it, but mostly I'm relieved. I have so much love in my heart for my Big and my Grandbig that I just want to focus on that right now, especially before my Grandbig graduates at the end of the year. Basically I have the best family ever. And it makes me so happy. It just sucks that now if (when) I take a Little next Fall, I will be ditching them pretty much right away to go to France in the Spring. And my Big is already Not Happy about me leaving her. Oops.

To wake you all from me.

So, Big/Little bonding time failed to meet expectations this weekend. Lame. But instead, I got to have a slumber party with my Gbig last night! Which was spontaneous and amazing. We did face masks and painted our nails and watched When Harry Met Sally and had cookies and peanut butter and colored in my Disney Princesses coloring book and watched The Pursuit of Happyness and made tea and watched Love Actually. It was perfect.

Scarily enough, we have to pick Bigs/Littles for the new girls tonight. I don't know how that's going to go. Me taking a little already. I'm not done being the little yet! And I don't want to have to split my attention and have to give more to this new person. Hopefully it'll work out to where I don't have to take one. My Gbig wants to be a Great Grandbig before she graduates though, ugh.

This bed is on fire with passionate love.

Things I want --

• Matt Nathanson's new CD
• Keltie to do another livestream party
• Xtina's Lovestrong
• to meet Taylor this year,
• or else one of the two aforementioned ladies whom I love
• my French homework to be done
• so I can continue rereading Letters To A Young Poet
• the last scene of my story to be done, aka me to stop being lazy
• to watch Zombieland with Kayla. which is happening tomorrow afternoon, I just can't wait.
• new eyeliner, because mine is almost gone aghhhhh
• Big/Little unneglecting time this weekend.

Boy you got what you deserved.

Today after class, I sat on my wooden floor and meditated. I built my heart back up and focused on being as strong as I could today. I am wearing my fearless tank & cuff, and if I am going to do that I need to remember my courage. I thought about taking my courage and my vulnerability, and loving them both. I told myself that just because I have to take my combat boots off sometimes, doesn't mean I can take my combat boots of life off, too.

It's okay to break down sometimes, when I need to. I will come out stronger on the other side. I think having both jazz and then lip sync rehearsal in one day (along with a thousand other things) on both Monday and Wednesday, was just wearing me out.

Full steam ahead.

Tonight, I took off my combat boots for our dance rehearsal, and with them went my courage and soul-strength. Out of nowhere, it was bam! Lauren having a meltdown. I've come close to breaking down so many times in my ballet and jazz classes, but have always been able to hold it together. I guess I was just too tired this time. I was fine, I wasn't upset or  anything, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was frustrated, deep down. My perfectionist self couldn't handle the pressure of not being able to do what my sisters were telling me to do. My muscles were already sore and tired, and I was slightly grumpy to begin with. When my body can't or won't do what I am telling it to, what other people are telling it to, or what everyone else is doing, I get frustrated and want to cry. And so I did. I tried to rein myself in as best as possible, so I didn't get the chance to let myself fullout cry. Kyra talked me down, and my sisters were gracious and handled me perfectly, without jumping on me and making me cry more. I still feel like I need to just let it all out and have a good sobfest, but. For now I am layering on my Fearless tank and my 5678 top, and trying to wrap myself in my heartshields and Keltie's strength.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

On the other hand --

They say that you can determine your own love languages by how you treat other people, but I don't necessarily think that is true for me. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, and while obviously I like sharing those with people I care about, those are not the easiest and most gratifying ways for me to express my love. I feel most rewarded when I am able to show my affection by giving gifts, or taking care of the person I care about. I get a lot more genuine enjoyment out of giving gifts than receiving them, and when I was little I even used to wrap my own belongings in my blankets or wrapping paper just so I could give them as "presents" to my family, for no occasion at all.

I also really like when the person I care about lets me take care of them, especially when they are sick or hurt. I think it's the kind of motherly compulsion I have. Taking care of someone gives me a sense of worth and affirmation. However, I don't really feel a strong need to be taken care of when I am sick, so I don't think it is as important to me to receive that care than it is to give it.

Must I always be alone?

An Attempt to Understand Myself --

Because I have never had a boyfriend, an anything, I have always put my best friends first. I have never had that romantic relationship to throw myself entirely into, so my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. Because of that, I have a hard time understanding when other people make the decision to put their romantic relationships before their friends, before me. I don't have another person to turn to when they turn to their boyfriend. Therefore, I get insanely jealous in my own quiet, passive-aggressive way, and start pulling away. Wanting them to follow me, and when they don't, and when I'm not the one doing the reaching out anymore, the silent rift grows. And I am stubborn like my father. If we go two, three days with little to no communication, I'm not going to get over it quickly. Even if I want to, I'm not going to be able to shake the feelings of annoyance or loneliness or distance between us.

Over the summer, my Sunday school teacher brought up to us The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read the book yet, but I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of it from listening to my teacher and his wife talk about it, and hearing other people mention their own love languages. Even though I have never been in a romantic relationship, based on how I am with my friends and people I care about, I think my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Basically, I want you to spend time with me, and I want you to be close to me. I want you to show affection through physical contact. Even if it's just holding hands or light touches. I love snuggling and holding someone or being held. I just don't seem like a very touchy person, because I don't know how to ask for these things. When I don't get enough quality time and don't feel special and loved, I feel like my efforts aren't being reciprocated. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and this upsets me. It makes me feel needy or clingy, or like I'm trying too hard to reach out and not getting anything back in return. Sometimes I feel like I can fly by without even registering on your radar unless I am the one to initiate contact.

Even though I try to be stubborn at first and try to wait for you to reach out to me, eventually I will get fed up with waiting and I will end up seeking you out again. I might try to overcompensate, wanting to wrap myself around you and never let go because I have missed you a lot. If I work up the courage to outwardly show my love and you don't respond to my reaching out with equal positivity and affection, I will feel unsatisfied and unaffirmed. All I want is you to be warm and responsive towards me, and spend a lot of one-on-one time with me to make up for the loss and re-solidify our bond.

underneath the moon, underneath the stars

All I want is a boy to throw pebbles at my window.

I have never had a boy give me flowers or chocolates or anything for Valentine's Day. This is always such a meaningless holiday for me. I saw Boy this morning, and he turned and looked at me, but sadly he did not throw a bouquet of roses in my direction. As my Biggy said, "The day is not over yet."

love, save the empty
and save me

can't you see me falling?

Sometimes I miss you so much I can't bear it.
You were supposed to stay with me here.
I begged and pleaded with the universe.
So what happened?




"How far would you trust your art?"
-Stephen Dunn

in loving you with my whole heart

"I think that the universe gives you what you wish for, just not in the place or time you wish for it. "
- Keltie Colleen

This year, the universe just decided to give me a different kind of love. And I am so, so thankful for that, for getting what I wanted this time. I got my braintwin. Yesterday we both wore our matching shirts, completely coincidentally. No planning whatsoever. We are just that good.


I am still waiting for someone that I can give my heart to. The universe has decided to take a really long time before giving me that. But it's okay, I can be patient. Sometimes.

All I want in life is to be a dancer. Last week my jazz teacher called my feet beautiful, and it was the most incredible compliment ever. Granted, we were only stretching, not dancing, but still.

"have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart"

right now I am loving the small things

- Irish music (&daydreaming about traveling to Ireland, sigh)
- PS I Love You, the movie & its soundtrack
- Letters to a Young Poet
- Keltie (of course)
- the fact that I get to sleep in tomorrow

and all you need is one

I cannot wait for this to happen for me. I have high hopes for 2011 in the love department. Hopefully I won't end the year just as empty handed as I was this year.

when the world caves in

I did it. Sometime, late last night, I realized what the song of 2011 is going to be, what I want to remember the most. This is it. Every twelve seconds, someone remembers that we are all in this together. Even when I feel impossibly isolated and lonely, there are other people out there who feel just as lonely as me. And on the other hand, there is also someone out there waiting for me, waiting to find me just like I am waiting to find them. Waiting for me to love them like I am waiting for someone to love me. The universe is a gigantic, magical place, everybody. Don't forget that this year. Let's make it our collective goal to make the universe even more beautiful by pouring as much love and creativity and kindness out into it as we can. I think if everyone would just realize that we are all living this crazy, confusing dream together, all the petty meanness and hate would seem completely superfluous.