Must I always be alone?

An Attempt to Understand Myself --

Because I have never had a boyfriend, an anything, I have always put my best friends first. I have never had that romantic relationship to throw myself entirely into, so my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. Because of that, I have a hard time understanding when other people make the decision to put their romantic relationships before their friends, before me. I don't have another person to turn to when they turn to their boyfriend. Therefore, I get insanely jealous in my own quiet, passive-aggressive way, and start pulling away. Wanting them to follow me, and when they don't, and when I'm not the one doing the reaching out anymore, the silent rift grows. And I am stubborn like my father. If we go two, three days with little to no communication, I'm not going to get over it quickly. Even if I want to, I'm not going to be able to shake the feelings of annoyance or loneliness or distance between us.

Over the summer, my Sunday school teacher brought up to us The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read the book yet, but I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of it from listening to my teacher and his wife talk about it, and hearing other people mention their own love languages. Even though I have never been in a romantic relationship, based on how I am with my friends and people I care about, I think my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Basically, I want you to spend time with me, and I want you to be close to me. I want you to show affection through physical contact. Even if it's just holding hands or light touches. I love snuggling and holding someone or being held. I just don't seem like a very touchy person, because I don't know how to ask for these things. When I don't get enough quality time and don't feel special and loved, I feel like my efforts aren't being reciprocated. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and this upsets me. It makes me feel needy or clingy, or like I'm trying too hard to reach out and not getting anything back in return. Sometimes I feel like I can fly by without even registering on your radar unless I am the one to initiate contact.

Even though I try to be stubborn at first and try to wait for you to reach out to me, eventually I will get fed up with waiting and I will end up seeking you out again. I might try to overcompensate, wanting to wrap myself around you and never let go because I have missed you a lot. If I work up the courage to outwardly show my love and you don't respond to my reaching out with equal positivity and affection, I will feel unsatisfied and unaffirmed. All I want is you to be warm and responsive towards me, and spend a lot of one-on-one time with me to make up for the loss and re-solidify our bond.