Now I know better.

A lesson I learned the hard way. Kind of. Don't hate me, but. I've been The Other Woman, but I've never been The Woman. But I know better than that, now. I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't wait around if he doesn't want me enough to end it right away.

riding in cars with boys.

Sometimes nights with boys don't go the way I want them too, and I go upstairs to my room after wine tasting and have to curl up on my bed listening to this song on repeat and cry and feel sorry for myself for a while (kind of like I did after beer tasting, listening to falling by the civil wars and crying over a different boy, wow things change fast. i guess that's a benefit of falling in one-sided lust with boys, at least it's painless when they're replaced) and then stay in a sad funk of being lonely for a couple days.

And then I have an amazing and therapeutic and exhausting hour of playing dance video games with my sisters in the chapter room, and nothing else matters because I love my sisterhood so much. And they are all I need and I will always love them and they will always love me back. No matter what & until the end.

I was enchanted to meet you, too.

Tonight's goal is to finally, finally introduce myself to him. Wish me luck, everyone.

I thought I had you figured out.

Did you really think that you could go a week without trying to talk to me or see me and it would go unnoticed? Did you think I wouldn't mind when it seems like you don't even care what's going on in my life? I thought this bond we have was supposed to mean more than this. Do you even miss me, when we go days with nothing but silence? I know you're busy, everyone is busy, but you obviously have time for him so why can't you make time for me? In two weeks we will both be leaving for the summer. We won't see each other again until August. But I guess that doesn't really matter to you. And when I am feeling particularly vindictive, I am glad that you don't even try to talk to me because at least if we are distant in these last few weeks then maybe I won't miss you as much this summer. Because apparently I can't have both of you at once. As I get closer to her and spend more time with her, you disappear. It's just like Keltie's dad said.

"Baby girl, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."

Why can't I just have you both at the same time? We're supposed to be a family; you are not mutually exclusive events. Why don't you miss me? Why is it always me that has to reach out? And half the time you don't even bother answering me when I do.

I just miss standing in the ocean at midnight with you. Can't we go back to that?


Maybe I just like feeling sorry for myself too much.

You really got me bad.

Tonight, my new boycrushthing (yes, that is his official title) smiled at me. It made me the happiest girl alive. It made me blush, and I NEVER blush because I pretty much physically can't. It was a small & secretive sort of smile too, a sideways look. I felt like the only girl in the room. Okay, so, we were outside, but. He looked gorgeous, and he smiled at me. I'm finally wishing for something different at 11:11 again.

We smiled at each other on Saturday night too, but this time was so much better. I don't really know what else to say. I am speechless.

this time i'll be braver, i'll be my own savior

I submitted my blog to Keltie for her guest blogger's month. Now I just hope she posts it. Fingers crossed for me, guys!! I wrote about a few things that have been on my mind for a week or so now, things I've been trying to work out and understand about myself.