For My Future Daughter

by Clare Pollard

Try not to think too deeply,

try not to think too well.

Heaven is in small details,

labyrinths lead to hell.

Take comfort from the squirrel,

take comfort from the moon —

like a hot-buttered crumpet,

a kind face in your room.

And if you are now older

take comfort in his smell,

the fact he's cooked you dinner,

the fact he treats you well.

Try not to think too deeply.

You never can be good.

You'll never find a home that

is not marked with some blood.

And sorry that I brought you

to a world where that's true.

The Protestants hate Catholics.

The Arabs hate the Jews,

and half the world hates you, dear.

But I loved your warm head 

before I'd even planned you.

I pictured you in bed

and kissed that absent soft-spot,

and though I am not there,

shut your eyes, squeeze my hand tight,

and though I won't be there

in some way I'll be there, dear.

That is how we persist.

My sweet thing, do forgive me

for selfishness. I kiss

you wherever you are now

and hope you're glad of life —

despite the violent weather,

despite the sudden knife —

and that you love that one gift,

that rare thrill of I am

as death pans out around you.

Hope that you do not damn

this mother who loved life so,

she hoped she'd live within

you, after: ball your fist, dear,

and feel your nails dig in.

one year later

this year i am thankful for keltie colleen, taylor swift, and christina perri. i am thankful for my big and my grandbig and all of my sisters and how often we make each other cry happy tears. i am thankful for my new room and can't wait to move in and decorate it. i am thankful for the chance to learn ballet this year; it has been amazing and i am sad that i'll have to wait till next fall for ballet two. i am thankful for the chance to learn french, and in a year i will hopefully be preparing to study abroad in paris. i am thankful for showering in my own shower and lighting candles. i am thankful for the gorgeous yellow roses sitting in a vase on my desk.

all that i have waited for all of my life

"Did you think it was me?"

"I hoped."

Sometimes we get lucky, and every once in a while we get exactly what we wanted. What we needed. And that is the best feeling ever. After having so much taken away from us and spending so many years completely alone, now there is finally someone there. A steady soul at your side, like a guarantee, like a promise. An expiration date that doesn’t exist. You might not be able to see it, but I am shining out from the inside. The sky has cleared, and it is beautiful. Suddenly nothing else matters except this girl at my side.

just gonna stand there

I absolutely love Emily Shock's work. lovelovelove.

"love shouldn't suck, ladies. get yourself a good one."

all i wanted was you & now i have it

I am the happiest girl alive.

go on and cry, baby

--Reasons for and Advantages of Breathing, Lydia Peelle

mine eyes have seen the glory

today is surreal in a fairytale sort of way. i was up before the sun and it was cold but we were all blinded and holding hands and half-asleep but still crying happy, loving tears. and then on the way back from breakfast five of us were piled into laura's tiny car with the windows down & the sun beaming on my face and we were singing all these things that i've done at the top of our lungs driving down holt. i am so proud to be a daisy. i love my sisters.

wings wouldn't help you

Holy crap you guys, how amazing is my girl doing this routine in COMBAT BOOTS of all things? Also I like the way hers look all laced up. I unlaced mine and they've started flopping down more. Also I wore them in the pouring rain last week, which apparently is bad for real leather, so a friend told me I should put that whatever stuff on them to protect them.

you are all that

I know who I want. I have already pinned my heart onto her sleeve. I care too much now.

I should've known

I wish someone had told me to be careful back then. Why didn't you tell me to get out? Yeah, I was happy then, but couldn't anyone tell it wasn't going to end well? He wasn't mine to begin with, and that wasn't going to change, no matter how badly I wanted it to. What we had amounted to nothing but a small residual ache in the corner of my mind.

it was enchanting to meet you

Apparently the universe decided I did need to run barefoot in my leotard and pink tights (again) through the rain after class today. Then I stripped down out of those wet clothes, put on dry ones and my combat boots just to run to work and get soaked all over again. Today has been tiring. But I do love the rain, and the first half of the day was oppressively still and freaking me out. The sky was cloudy and gray all morning and all afternoon, but it was neither hot nor cold and there was no wind, no breeze at all. It was like that eerie stillness before the sky explodes, but nothing was happening and it was weirding me out. So at least the sky finally opened up and broke the tension.

In other news, I am very, very sad to report that we won't get to wear pretty light blue dresses after all for our performance at the end of the year, because they couldn't pull them in time :( Instead we have to just wear our leotard & tights & a black ballet skirt. This makes me so, so sad.