I know you're thinking about jumping ship.

So, forget what I said before. I didn't get a Little this semester, because of how the numbers worked out. I'm a little bummed, cause I was mentally preparing myself for it, but mostly I'm relieved. I have so much love in my heart for my Big and my Grandbig that I just want to focus on that right now, especially before my Grandbig graduates at the end of the year. Basically I have the best family ever. And it makes me so happy. It just sucks that now if (when) I take a Little next Fall, I will be ditching them pretty much right away to go to France in the Spring. And my Big is already Not Happy about me leaving her. Oops.

To wake you all from me.

So, Big/Little bonding time failed to meet expectations this weekend. Lame. But instead, I got to have a slumber party with my Gbig last night! Which was spontaneous and amazing. We did face masks and painted our nails and watched When Harry Met Sally and had cookies and peanut butter and colored in my Disney Princesses coloring book and watched The Pursuit of Happyness and made tea and watched Love Actually. It was perfect.

Scarily enough, we have to pick Bigs/Littles for the new girls tonight. I don't know how that's going to go. Me taking a little already. I'm not done being the little yet! And I don't want to have to split my attention and have to give more to this new person. Hopefully it'll work out to where I don't have to take one. My Gbig wants to be a Great Grandbig before she graduates though, ugh.

This bed is on fire with passionate love.

Things I want --

• Matt Nathanson's new CD
• Keltie to do another livestream party
• Xtina's Lovestrong
• to meet Taylor this year,
• or else one of the two aforementioned ladies whom I love
• my French homework to be done
• so I can continue rereading Letters To A Young Poet
• the last scene of my story to be done, aka me to stop being lazy
• to watch Zombieland with Kayla. which is happening tomorrow afternoon, I just can't wait.
• new eyeliner, because mine is almost gone aghhhhh
• Big/Little unneglecting time this weekend.

Boy you got what you deserved.

Today after class, I sat on my wooden floor and meditated. I built my heart back up and focused on being as strong as I could today. I am wearing my fearless tank & cuff, and if I am going to do that I need to remember my courage. I thought about taking my courage and my vulnerability, and loving them both. I told myself that just because I have to take my combat boots off sometimes, doesn't mean I can take my combat boots of life off, too.

It's okay to break down sometimes, when I need to. I will come out stronger on the other side. I think having both jazz and then lip sync rehearsal in one day (along with a thousand other things) on both Monday and Wednesday, was just wearing me out.

Full steam ahead.

Tonight, I took off my combat boots for our dance rehearsal, and with them went my courage and soul-strength. Out of nowhere, it was bam! Lauren having a meltdown. I've come close to breaking down so many times in my ballet and jazz classes, but have always been able to hold it together. I guess I was just too tired this time. I was fine, I wasn't upset or  anything, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was frustrated, deep down. My perfectionist self couldn't handle the pressure of not being able to do what my sisters were telling me to do. My muscles were already sore and tired, and I was slightly grumpy to begin with. When my body can't or won't do what I am telling it to, what other people are telling it to, or what everyone else is doing, I get frustrated and want to cry. And so I did. I tried to rein myself in as best as possible, so I didn't get the chance to let myself fullout cry. Kyra talked me down, and my sisters were gracious and handled me perfectly, without jumping on me and making me cry more. I still feel like I need to just let it all out and have a good sobfest, but. For now I am layering on my Fearless tank and my 5678 top, and trying to wrap myself in my heartshields and Keltie's strength.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

On the other hand --

They say that you can determine your own love languages by how you treat other people, but I don't necessarily think that is true for me. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, and while obviously I like sharing those with people I care about, those are not the easiest and most gratifying ways for me to express my love. I feel most rewarded when I am able to show my affection by giving gifts, or taking care of the person I care about. I get a lot more genuine enjoyment out of giving gifts than receiving them, and when I was little I even used to wrap my own belongings in my blankets or wrapping paper just so I could give them as "presents" to my family, for no occasion at all.

I also really like when the person I care about lets me take care of them, especially when they are sick or hurt. I think it's the kind of motherly compulsion I have. Taking care of someone gives me a sense of worth and affirmation. However, I don't really feel a strong need to be taken care of when I am sick, so I don't think it is as important to me to receive that care than it is to give it.

Must I always be alone?

An Attempt to Understand Myself --

Because I have never had a boyfriend, an anything, I have always put my best friends first. I have never had that romantic relationship to throw myself entirely into, so my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. Because of that, I have a hard time understanding when other people make the decision to put their romantic relationships before their friends, before me. I don't have another person to turn to when they turn to their boyfriend. Therefore, I get insanely jealous in my own quiet, passive-aggressive way, and start pulling away. Wanting them to follow me, and when they don't, and when I'm not the one doing the reaching out anymore, the silent rift grows. And I am stubborn like my father. If we go two, three days with little to no communication, I'm not going to get over it quickly. Even if I want to, I'm not going to be able to shake the feelings of annoyance or loneliness or distance between us.

Over the summer, my Sunday school teacher brought up to us The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read the book yet, but I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of it from listening to my teacher and his wife talk about it, and hearing other people mention their own love languages. Even though I have never been in a romantic relationship, based on how I am with my friends and people I care about, I think my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Basically, I want you to spend time with me, and I want you to be close to me. I want you to show affection through physical contact. Even if it's just holding hands or light touches. I love snuggling and holding someone or being held. I just don't seem like a very touchy person, because I don't know how to ask for these things. When I don't get enough quality time and don't feel special and loved, I feel like my efforts aren't being reciprocated. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and this upsets me. It makes me feel needy or clingy, or like I'm trying too hard to reach out and not getting anything back in return. Sometimes I feel like I can fly by without even registering on your radar unless I am the one to initiate contact.

Even though I try to be stubborn at first and try to wait for you to reach out to me, eventually I will get fed up with waiting and I will end up seeking you out again. I might try to overcompensate, wanting to wrap myself around you and never let go because I have missed you a lot. If I work up the courage to outwardly show my love and you don't respond to my reaching out with equal positivity and affection, I will feel unsatisfied and unaffirmed. All I want is you to be warm and responsive towards me, and spend a lot of one-on-one time with me to make up for the loss and re-solidify our bond.

underneath the moon, underneath the stars

All I want is a boy to throw pebbles at my window.

I have never had a boy give me flowers or chocolates or anything for Valentine's Day. This is always such a meaningless holiday for me. I saw Boy this morning, and he turned and looked at me, but sadly he did not throw a bouquet of roses in my direction. As my Biggy said, "The day is not over yet."

love, save the empty
and save me

can't you see me falling?

Sometimes I miss you so much I can't bear it.
You were supposed to stay with me here.
I begged and pleaded with the universe.
So what happened?




"How far would you trust your art?"
-Stephen Dunn

in loving you with my whole heart

"I think that the universe gives you what you wish for, just not in the place or time you wish for it. "
- Keltie Colleen

This year, the universe just decided to give me a different kind of love. And I am so, so thankful for that, for getting what I wanted this time. I got my braintwin. Yesterday we both wore our matching shirts, completely coincidentally. No planning whatsoever. We are just that good.


I am still waiting for someone that I can give my heart to. The universe has decided to take a really long time before giving me that. But it's okay, I can be patient. Sometimes.