you've got to shine on

"Let all that you do be done in love."

Putting negativity out into the universe in any way shape or form isn't going to help anyone or do any good. At all. I strongly believe this and try to live my life by it. There is already enough bad out there, why would you want to inject anything but love into our beautiful but messed up world? Once you realize this you can live a clearer and better life. You will achieve a lot more once you stop thinking unnecessary negative thoughts.

there's nothing you can say to make this right again

today's playlist --

vagabond : wolfmother

boy from school : grizzly bear

happier : a fine frenzy

getting better : the beatles

empty : ray lamontagne

soldier : ingrid michaelson

sweet disposition : the temper trap

i don't need you but i do, i do, i do

me & my stupid pride are sitting here alone.

-- taylor swift

just for one day

i may seem overly quiet or shy to many people, but at least those who do get to know me even just a little realize that i am genuine. i think that's a pretty good place to be. i don't have a "fake side" of myself. i'm going to be honest & i'm not going to pretend to have something to say if i don't. i will only say something if i really mean it. i am not a shell of a girl anymore, i know exactly who i am. like it or not, this is me. hello, meet my soul.

hustlers grab your guns

great songs --

gone for good : the shins

black and blue : christina perri sings

raining in baltimore : counting crows

catch my disease : ben lee

phantom planet's old songs bring back great, happy memories. raise the dead reminds me of a weightless day, but it's bittersweet now.

my soulmate will let me listen to Taylor in the car with the windows down and he will sing along with me (genuinely + confidently) because he knows it makes me happy. he will be tall enough for me to wear heels when i want to. he will be an artist, and no matter what he creates, he will love doing it. he will know how to brew a pot of tea but also need coffee each morning too. because coffee is soso good.

it's flawless, really something

at the start of the week i felt as if the universe was still making me pay by making me get sick, but today was better. i have coffee & taylor & yoga in the sun & tonight should be fun. my two michelles, though entirely two different people, are becoming great friends.

also i might be doing this. random acts of musical theatre. flashmob. whatever you want to call it. excited. i told michelle i wanted to and she started describing her ideas for choreography (set to mgmt's kids) and began with "i want it to start with a girl coming out jumping rope--" and i'm like, well, that's not me, i can't jump rope, and then she continues "-- but she can't do it very well' and amanda is like, hey, it IS you. so we'll see.

i gotta shine my rusty halo

i think if i had to describe myself in one word, it would be: exactness. i think before i speak and carefully plan out exactly what i'm going to say, how i'm going to convey what i want to convey. this means i often falter when put on the spot or thrust into an uncomfortable situation. today i was told i should take an acting class to improve my public speaking. we'll see about that one. that sounds kind of monumentally scary. way out of my comfort zone, which is the point i suppose, but. one step at a time.

"This is remarkably smart, good, good, good writing. Exactly as I knew you could do. You've amazed me since you first showed up in RCC. There is something emotionally and personally exact about you. It is an artistic exactness, and probably more than an artistic exactness."

what a lovely compliment to get. and from a superior, a professor who i so greatly admire.

if i'm still alive what shouldn't i do

I should've known that after two Very Good days, the universe would make me pay for it with a Not So Good day. My problem is that I care too much, care more, and then I'm going to get hurt more when it all comes down to it. It's not fair, but it's the truth.

help i'm alive I'm feeling too much.

i'll just keep it to myself in the sun

i have a feeling this is going to be a good week. i can wear my new flowery skirt and have zooey's voice as the soundtrack to my life.

blind to the light

sometimes i pretend i can dance. there will probably be more of me fooling around like this over the summer when i have a month of the house of myself. hopefully i won't be completely horrible at ballet next year. hopefully it won't be awful on my joints like yoga is. why am i so breakable? i'm pretty sure my legs are a lot more shapely than this right now, thankfully.

anything less than "i love you" is lying

-- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer

i do honestly believe that there's a reason we're all standing where we are. you are right where you need to be in the universe, doing what you are meant to do. don't blink and let what is right pass you by. you may question it now, but in time you will see the reason why you had to do that thing or feel this particular moment.

falling from your mouth, tell me why

not knowing what's going to happen freaks me out. i'm scared of not getting what i want. of things not going the right way, or not going the way i planned. i like having plans and things to look forward to and dream about. i don't want that all taken away from me. the choice i had already made was taken from me and now i have to start all over again. except this time around i'm empty handed and no one's telling me the answer.

my personality type

Your Type is INFJ

Introverted	Intuitive	Feeling	Judging
67%	50%	75%	44%

you don't have to call anymore

i hate when you can feel someone pulling away & being apathetic before they're even gone. i want to grab her and yell, stop it, you're hurting me. i don't know if you're trying to protect yourself and prepare for the worst, for the end, but whatever you are doing is making me hurt now. i already know i'm going to hurt then. i'm trying to hold onto all the small moments and build up the memories while we still have time, and you don't care.

kafka on the shore

"Things'll be clearer once you're on the other side?"

"I think so. I won't know anything until I cross the bridge."

"Hmm," Hoshino said. "So crossing that bridge is very important."

"Yes, that's more important than anything."

"Man alive," Hoshino said, scratching his head.

- Haruki Murakami

to be continued

i love -

white dresses

songs + dance routines that move me

the color yellow

my mom

the office

good books

sometimes i think, taken by the wind is a pretty good thing to be.

FEARLESS

things i am afraid of

-knives + broken glass

-elevator doors closing on me

-falling down stairs

-spiders

-having the people I love taken away from me

-never finding the other half of my soul

-not being the best possible version of myself

-becoming my parents

coming full circle

in just a year,

fearless

has become a word to live by. because of both of my favorite girls, who taught me that being fearless isn't about being powerful & strong & afraid of nothing. it is about recognizing what you are afraid of and fighting, living your life to the fullest just to spit in the face of those fears when they try to tear you down.