tried to tape it back together

My hips hurt so bad, I don't even understand. The first couple weeks I was like, "oh grand plies awesome! This feels great! I love stretching and going all the way down!" And now it's been a month and the bone-deep ache never goes away and I can't do it without groaning and laughing at myself while facing the barre because it hurts so bad. Sigh. Now I know what Keltie meant. My legs have even started to shake during  demis, it's horrible. My legs are getting stronger, it's just that they always hurt.

It hurts to sit crossed legged right now, and we only danced for 30 minutes today! Cause we spent an hour lying on the floor and talking. My body is so sad.

baby is something wrong?

listening to Tay to get pumped for Ballet. that chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing  an hour before class probably wasn't the best idea. oh well. the giant load of school work I've been balancing this week is finally lessening and the sun is coming out even though it's supposed to be pouring.

should've said no baby, now everybody knows

Because this performance changed my life. It's hard to explain, but it did. This was the beginning. Also it took me a year to notice the rain has words in it. Oops.

last night in class, i finally came up with my own mantra for life.

Smile. Love. Dance.

because dance is the best form of therapy and laughing is my favorite thing ever, and the prospect of one day finally finding love is what keeps me going. i can't wait for the future.

i say that we're right in the heart of it

don't you know that i spend all my nights counting backwards the days till i'm home?


i really am counting down the days till i get to go home. even though i will be going in the opposite direction of jacksonville, which is the true home of my heart. soon i will go back, though. never soon enough.

my heart is breaking and my soul is crying

Ballet is killing my soul and I feel like falling apart and crying because it's so hard. But I don't regret it and I won't give up. Deep down, (very deep, today) I love it too much. But now that I feel like a wreck and my soul is reaching out for something, anything to put me back together, my North Star is leaving for two and a half months and I don't think I can survive without her. I really do want to cry into my carrots right now.

desperation

i would give anything, anything to have you here living with me the way it was supposed to be. the way we were supposed to be, all the promises and plans we made. and now there is only distance. I told myself that if you were here again with me for another year, I would tell you everything, everything I kept in last year. The things I have only told two other people in this world. And now I can't.

baby, bring on the movie score

Today I love walking across my favorite part of campus at sunset when the sun is coming through the trees gorgeously and singing Sparks Fly at the top of my lungs, in my head, and feeling like I am floating because I am finally done with everything for the day.

so i went looking for her and i found you

what if when she comes over i am in your arms?
taking all that i want from you again

because my heart was torn apart by a boy i never even had.

i'm miles from where you are

This is stunning. Emily's work is always gorgeous. I have chills.

keeping it all at arms length

ballet is hard. french is hard. editing makes no sense. my feet hurt. my legs are shaky. my skin is bad. i'm so tired. i don't drink enough water. there are not enough hours in the day. i miss my sister. i don't have time to miss anyone. i don't have time to think about anything but what i have to do next or planning when i'm going to be able to eat. i'm stretched so thin i feel like i could cry in an instant. not because i'm upset, just because i'm overwhelmed with so much. i don't get enough time in the day to listen to as much music as i want to , as my soul requires.

in spite of everything, i'd rather be busy than standing still. i love being busy and not having time to be sad or lonely.

drowning in the pouring rain and thunder and puddles on my way barefoot to class makes me feel alive. i sat down looking like a drowned rat; this is my life and i love it. the rain gives me hope.

in between seasons

I believe that the universe formulates weird patterns in our lives in a coincidental, unintentional way. Like having and losing two best friends named Sam to different schools. And the fact that I have three Kaylas in my addressbook. If people are somewhat shaped by the name they are given, their personality growing into that name, then those certain types of people are subsequently drawn to or ripped away from me against my will. What can I do? Nothing.

great new albums for your consideration --

sigh no more - mumford & sons
(enthusiastic banjo music pouring out of my speakers makes me so happy)

foundling - david gray
(david gray always inspires me to write & feel. right now my favorite track on this album is 'forgetting'.)