the other day i had a line in my head but i forgot before i wrote it down

this week's playlist:

i like you - christina perri

speechless - lady gaga

unintended - muse

roslyn - bon iver & st. vincent

possibility - lykke li

i am thankful for love and hope and a bright future and my friends and family and good songs and charlie brown and my grandma's apple pie recipe. i am thankful for the beautiful people that inspire me each day to try and be a better person, to be the best version of myself possible. i am thankful for sleeping in my own bed and writing in my diary before bed and falling asleep to death cab. i am thankful for sparkly dresses and being a tall girl and summer picnics and bryce avary. i am thankful for God lightening up my life a little bit this year and giving me something to believe in. i am thankful for how far i have come since last thanksgiving.

my bones are shaped like you.

your sweet moonbeam

this is a gorgeous movie opening. it makes me want to fall in love and i watched it twice this summer and it made me fall in love with boys with a low, muted southern accent. not the loud, comedic, made-to-sound-stupid one, but just a soft and natural bend to their words. this is why i want to move out of florida. the soundtrack of this movie also is incredible, it pours over you like warm honey and wraps you up and it's perfect.

"i just figure that,

if guys don't want me to write bad songs about them,

then they shouldn't do bad things."

- taylor swift

wishlist

on my wishlist for this year:

• bukowski
• deepak chopra

anything, i just really want to hear their thoughts. i pretend that sleeping with my cardboard box of books sitting under my bed will let me absorb the words through osmosis. or something like that. i can pretend.

"Destroy my desires, eradicate my ideals,

show me something better, and I will follow you."

- Dostoyevsky

what are you doing for the rest of your life? because i would like to spend mine with you.

levels of permanence

i guess when i said that we were closer, that we had we connected in a different way, i should have realized that meant it was going to hurt more. the good and bad were both going to mean more. i spent a week with your cowboy boots on the floor next to my bed, liking the way my black heels looked next to them, and then all of a sudden i wanted to throw your stupid red and black boots out of my fifth floor window. but i guess because we are closer (even just a little), it is easy to fall back into each other and go back to normal.

(i have been through this pattern before, believe me when i say i know--)

instead we just go back to singing each other songs about breaking hearts, and saying "i love you" back. i won't look at your belongings in my room and be hurt by the sight anymore.

keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off

eight years is quite a long time (for the short time we've been alive); i've known you for almost half of my life. right now i feel like i will never tire of you; i hope you will never tire of me. they say you don't really love something til it's gone or however it goes. i know i loved you before, but now i miss you lots and appreciate you and can't wait to go back. cause neither of us is REALLY gone. it's always only temporary. i just have two homes now.

(and if i don't come back--

i mean, if i get sidetracked,

it's only cause i wanted to)

i love my friends here, but never as much. it's the little things that make me realize how much better you are; when they say "i love renee zellweger" and i still had to google her name to see how it's spelled because your distaste rubbed off on me. how they don't always understand the meaning behind what i say or that i never say things with mean intentions. i'm barely capable of saying genuinely mean things to someone and actually meaning them. it's just not me. i hope it's as easy for people to see that as i think it is. probably not though.

(i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy

so if you wanna be with me--)

i guess all of this is just to say, i missloveneed you. thirteen more days til i see your face.

the answer is within you

this week i feel like, the tiny bubble of my world has been happy and undisturbed, but the outside world is falling apart and realizing it all at once is scary. what is wrong with people? stabbing and shooting and trying to hurt young girls around my campus. why are we letting people die? the weather is so gorgeous outside, but i'm scared to wander off campus. relieved we spend most of our weekend inside. this isn't fair, this isn't how it should be. why do the words "suspect still at large" have to resonate and hang on for so long. i guess what really scares me most is the fact that people still do these things, are still filled with so much hate. when is it going to stop?

war is not the answer

the answer is within you

- within you, ray lamontagne

use your love tonight

you have the best sense of adventure, clenched right between your fingertips. every little moment is new and exciting. it is a good way to live.

"You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless.
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress,
fearless."

- Fearless, Taylor Swift

imagine all the people living for today

I am so glad you are singing in the shower again. It took eight months, but it happened like we all knew it would. "Trying" isn't the right word for it, now you're doing it. You are smiling and living and being your best self. The world has realigned itself and straightened its axis back out again. The sun finally came back out, and it was beautiful. It still is beautiful.

really got a hold on me, baby

"i don't want you but i need you"

i don't like going having to go entire days without seeing the sun. i hope the weather doesn't jump straight from summer to winter this year. i like my fall, thank you very much. also turning winter-pale sucks. how early it gets dark outside throws me off, too.