i don't feel any pain unless i try to talk

the idea of becoming my mother, of becoming my parents, is what scares me more than anything about the future. i don't want their negativity, their jaded bitterness towards people and life in general. i want to be kind and good and give back and help people who need or want help. i want to travel and make a difference in someone's life. just one life. they say it is inevitable but i will repeat it like a mantra if it means i can make the opposite true: i will not be my mother. i want to be a mother, but not my mother. i want to be better, for my children and for my husband and for the people around me. and most of all, for myself.