And we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

Whenever I am awake early in the morning, I think of you still sleeping. And I wish I was there to see how peaceful you look in your sleep, to see how your eyelashes look drooped against your pale skin, to climb into bed next to you and hold you. Why does your bed have to be so far away from mine?

I am going to ignore last night's dream. It is not one I want to write down to remember. I am not going to accept it as a warning from the universe. That is the one thing I am not willing to listen to.

Can't stop thinking.

After these next eight days, I won't see you again for eight whole months. Eight long, horrible, sweltering months that I will spend alone in the city. An unfamiliar city. And you will be in another, colder state. A visit or two in Europe in the fall is going to be the only oxygen I get. For the rest of the year. This thought is terrifying. How am I supposed to say goodbye when right now, so submerged in my feelings for you, I can't even process us being apart for so long? I get upset and messed up when we don't see each other for less than a week. What's going to happen when whole months begin to pass?

The universe has been kinder these last few days, though. I feel like I'm getting back what I had lost for a while there. And it feels wonderful. I am shining, again. My pleading for guidance has been answered.

Are you watching, or just waiting to see?

Last night I decided to just say, fuck it. I give up. I give up on trying so hard. I am going to sit back and let what happens naturally, happen. Because that is when it is good. When I try to force things, that's when I get upset and frustrated. I am going to just enjoy spending time with the people who are actually available and choosing to be around me. If she doesn't want to come around, then she doesn't have to.

Of course, right after I decided this, she and some other friends strolled into my room. It didn't last long, but she was there. Sitting down on my floor, like she belonged there.

I am going to take it as a good sign.

Universe, I need help.

I am at a loss for what to do anymore. The girl that I am in love with and I were getting closer and laughing together and it was wonderful, we had the potential to be such great friends, and then it just stopped. Everything came to a standstill. Now we barely talk, and she hardly ever acknowledges me when we pass by each other around campus. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her to hold a conversation with me through text. And I never see her in person during the week. I feel like I am giving 90% and only getting 10% in return. I understand that I care too much and am way more invested, but I don't get why she just stopped. Things were going so well. I thought she wanted to be closer to me. I used to make her smile. And now, nothing. Radio silence.

I feel like I am projecting love me love me love me and getting nothing in return. It feels hopeless, like the person that I want so badly couldn't possibly want me back -- because that just doesn't happen. It's too slim of a chance. How do people ever find another person who just happens to like them back? Never in my entire life has someone caused me so much frustration and confusion and anguish. I guess it's nice to feel things at all, and to feel so strongly passionate about someone, but I can't shine without her here to light me up. Only feeling the negative things for 95% of the week, is not fun. What do I do? I need the universe's guidance so badly right now.

Yesterday in class, my professor talked about how whatever is going on in our world is just a projection of what is happening in our heads. That we affect everything external to us. That we cause it. I was worried that things were going to change after that moment, and so they did. This is my fault. But she can't possibly feel that I don't want her or that I am neglecting her, because I am trying so hard and putting so much energy into this and giving her so much of myself, and not getting anything back.

What do I do? Do I keep trying and keep pushing, at the risk of being overbearing or overwhelming? Because I don't want her to think I don't care. Or do I back off and wait for her to come to me? If she even wants to. Because so far, backing off, not talking to her for weeks at a time, hasn't really worked for me. But all the little, once-a-week, absolutely wonderful moments that we do have make me think she has to care some. She has to want something, even just a little bit. I would give her anything. I just need her to actually communicate with me. I can't read minds. And I don't know how girls' brains work. I only know how mine works, and how much I read into everything and how much weight I place on everything. Maybe she doesn't feel any of these things. Maybe she's just busy.

I've missed you but I haven't met you.

If I could, I would stop all of my clocks to the moment I met you. And live in that night forever. I remember it so clearly. I already knew your name but not your face, and then I was finally able to connect the two. And we talked about dance. We had danced in the same show -- twice maybe -- without ever knowing each other. I wish I could go back in time and watch it all over again, now that I know you. Because I love to watch you dance. And we could've flitted around backstage together and pressed sticky eyelashes onto each other's eyelids. I would have checked your lipstick for you. I would have told you you looked beautiful.

I just got the mantra cuff I bought for someone special (you, obviously) in the mail today. I can't wait to give it to you. My stomach tightens at the thought of you wearing it. Of us matching, being bound together. I want you to feel the same strength it gives me. I hope you wear it. Even just once in a while. Seeing it on your wrist would make me feel better about this, about everything. I only share this bracelet, this part of myself, with very special people. And I've decided to share it with you. I choose you.

My manifest song for 2012 was To Whom It May Concern, and I only had to wait one month to find something that I had been missing. I am so lucky. I feel blessed.

Something in the way she moves.

Right now, at this exact moment of my life, my heart keeps beating because of you. The earth keeps spinning, so that I may love you. The way this is happening, so perfectly and so fast, has to be the stars or the universe's work. I could've never dreamed of feeling this way, and I certainly cannot control it now. I never could've imagined finding a puzzle piece I had been missing that fits so seamlessly into me the way that you do. Everything I am feeling feels so much bigger than me. Bigger than my soul and heart can contain. You light me up, and I am certain anyone can tell by the way my eyes look at you. And I don't even care if everyone knows. But the question that has been itching under my skin is -- do you know?

Are we still rolling?

Why is it that, even though I finally got what I wanted, it feels bittersweet? My heart is only half-filled. I should have fought harder, to fill the other half. I guess, at least being unsatisfied will force me to fight harder for you now. Tooth and nail. For whatever there is left for me to claim. This isn't making much sense. I don't know how to put into words how I've been feeling. Besides the little sticker on my computer that says bummed.

I should be focusing on what I have, rather than what I lost. Cause it's not really lost. Not actually.

I just want the summer to be over so I can be in Paris, already.