You know how the story ends.

So I didn't meet Taylor (or Caitlin or Liz or Grant or Amos or Paul or) and my heart is a little bit broken for that fact, because meeting her was my New Year's Resolution, my wish for every single 11:11 and shooting star this year so far, and now that it's over and it didn't happen . . . But it was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She is the most beautiful thing. I cried and had the best night of my life and danced and sang my heart out by myself and held my TAYLOR IS MY TWIN sign the entire time and got so many compliments and people saying I do look like her, which always makes me feel amazing. One girl outside before the show even asked to take a picture with me just because of how much I look like her! I probably would've died or fainted or something if I actually met Taylor, anyway. And I know that the universe has plans for me, that it's in the stars and I will meet her one day. I just have to wait a little longer. And keep wishing.

And I know that I am so incredibly, amazingly blessed for the chance I got, to have my inspiration, the queen of my universe in front of me for two whole hours. For the second time. I am so lucky. I know not many people get to experience that, and it's nearly impossible to describe. It just made me heave dry sobs a lot under the weight of trying to absorb the fact that the girl I love more than anything in the world was right there in front of me, her soul shining out for all of us to see. Every day I think I couldn't possibly love her more, and then she goes and proves me wrong. I don't ever want to stop loving her.

it's like a million little stars spelling out your name

So, I'm seeing Taylor Swift tomorrow night. No big deal. Wish me luck with meeting her, friends. I realized too late that I should've bought another mantra cuff so that I could give it to her, which makes me sad. But I simply cannot part with my own, because I have one of the special ones, one of the first 50 or 100 or whatever that she made, that doesn't have the little KC inside the heart. I love it too much. So instead, I am making friendship bracelets for Tay and Liz and Caitlin. And crossing my fingers for the chance to give them to them.

Somewhere over the rainbow, there is someone out there for me. Waiting, just like I am waiting. Feeling just as lonely as I feel. I can't wait to find them.

He has the prettiest eyes.

I dreamt about him last night. Even though I know I shouldn't have. I pretty much willed myself to, though. I dreamt we were in a car, someone else was driving and there were three of us in the backseat and I don't remember who the third person was, but he was sitting in the middle and pressed against me. I wrapped my hand around his arm, and then he put his hand in my lap, so I covered his hand with my other hand. My memory is blurry and fuzzy, but warm. I wish it could be real. It just felt so nice to simply hold his hand like that. I miss the innocence that the idea of him once held for me.

The less I give, the more I get back.

So I pretty much listened to this song on repeat nonstop yesterday. I woke up yesterday morning and opened my computer (my first mistake) and then saw something that ripped my heart right out of my chest. Then I had to lie in bed and listen to this song and cry. I know I don't have any rights to him, and that I dug this grave myself, that it's my fault for getting attached, but it still hurt. I am the girl who waits. I am the girl who has never had a boyfriend, so I emotionally attach myself to people I can't have or sometimes don't even know. I am the girl staring into your bright blue eyes and wordlessly begging you to break down the walls I've put up. I am willing you to see how much I want you to come over and say hello to me.

I am a coward. I am alone. I spent all day upset but not telling anyone, and then last night, I got a text, "are you okay?" I didn't even have to tell her. My twin is a mindreader and she just knew it would affect me and I would be upset. I'm not used to having someone implicitly know what is going to hurt me and actually reaching out without having to be told. And that is why she is my twin.

It's official. I'm a wreck. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without my Gbig in my life.

I don't have anything left to say

This weekend I came back to school, to say goodbye. I am horrible at goodbyes. Some of my best friends, my family members, my mentor, are graduating on Sunday morning. That means it's not going to be just, goodbye, see you when the summer is over, but instead goodbye for a really long time, if not forever. There are some that I know will come back and visit as alumni, and some I'm not so sure about. Everyone is going their separate ways, to Nashville, to Oregon, to California. And I will be here. There are people leaving who I didn't get the chance to know as well as I would've liked to. We didn't have enough time.