I promise I'm worthy.

"People shouldn't have to go through life alone. It's not normal. The longer you go by yourself, the weirder you get. The weirder you get, the longer you go by yourself."
- Jim Shepard




I'm not sure if this is just an illusion or not. Sometimes I feel so alone, but all evidence points to the fact that I'm not, anymore. Not entirely alone, anyways.

“I’m tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work.”
-- Natalie Portman

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.

I just want someone to take care of me. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I want to be someone else's universe for once. Or at least the center of it. When I am frustrated, instead of just letting me stew I want someone to push until I break and I want them to make me stop being such a brat. When I stomp up the stairs and into my room, I want someone to follow me. Not just keep yelling back and forth with me from the hallway through a closed door. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me fall apart.

but like everything i've ever known, you'll disappear one day

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I still feel like I'm going to be alone forever. That my heart and I were meant to just kick our way through life on our own. That I won't know what if feels like to hold someone's face in my hands. That you still haunt me, after two years. Two years since you last touched me. Two years since I let you.

My entire life.

good things today:

• wearing my sister's romper
• lying in our courtyard in my bikini after class to read my book in the sun
• new leotard day!
• burlesque dancing in jazz class, oh my god. so. much. fun.
• new Matt Nathanson single!! ahhhh
• both of my feet just cracked and it felt amazing

I know you're thinking about jumping ship.

So, forget what I said before. I didn't get a Little this semester, because of how the numbers worked out. I'm a little bummed, cause I was mentally preparing myself for it, but mostly I'm relieved. I have so much love in my heart for my Big and my Grandbig that I just want to focus on that right now, especially before my Grandbig graduates at the end of the year. Basically I have the best family ever. And it makes me so happy. It just sucks that now if (when) I take a Little next Fall, I will be ditching them pretty much right away to go to France in the Spring. And my Big is already Not Happy about me leaving her. Oops.

To wake you all from me.

So, Big/Little bonding time failed to meet expectations this weekend. Lame. But instead, I got to have a slumber party with my Gbig last night! Which was spontaneous and amazing. We did face masks and painted our nails and watched When Harry Met Sally and had cookies and peanut butter and colored in my Disney Princesses coloring book and watched The Pursuit of Happyness and made tea and watched Love Actually. It was perfect.

Scarily enough, we have to pick Bigs/Littles for the new girls tonight. I don't know how that's going to go. Me taking a little already. I'm not done being the little yet! And I don't want to have to split my attention and have to give more to this new person. Hopefully it'll work out to where I don't have to take one. My Gbig wants to be a Great Grandbig before she graduates though, ugh.