I remember you.

This is the song of 2012. I think last year, even though I wanted to open myself to love (and it did kind of happen, a little bit. just a taste of how it would feel), I was moreso manifesting being a better person. And now I think I am close to being the best, strongest, kindest version of myself -- though a goal for this year is still to be better. And only the best version of myself deserves to find love. We only find love when we stop looking, supposedly. But I don't know how I'm supposed to ever stop wanting it.

I really hope this year holds something different though. I want to find something reciprocal. I realize that thus far, I've been able to hold onto my own ideals about what it would be like, a magical fairytale romance that I would be so grateful for after waiting so long. I don't like to think about the doubts and questions and uncertainties and struggles that people in relationships actually go through. I haven't had to, and I haven't had to have my illusions shattered. It is an innocence that I'm not really keen to lose. But it's inevitable. Because relationships involve other people, and it would mean having to deal with someone else, not just myself anymore. But I at least want the chance. Please universe, give me a chance to open my heart.

my favorite songs of 2011

some of these may have come out towards the end of 2010, but these are the songs i had on repeat all year. and i am still not tired of a single one of them.

1. poison & wine - the civil wars
2. last kiss - taylor swift
3. someone like you - adele
4. the girl - city and colour
5. rivers and roads - the head and the heart
6. a thousand years - christina perri
7. safe & sound - taylor swift (ft. the civil wars)
8. we can't be friends - lorene scafaria

through the years, we all will be together

So, Christmas is over -- though I am still listening to my Christmas cds, since I only got them yesterday -- and now the New Year is looming. Oh boy. I have no idea what I want next year's song to be. But I sort of know what I want it to be like. The problem with this year's was that it set me up to be the kindest,  best version of myself this year, which I tried to be. But next year's needs to be about something else.

I taught myself how to grow old without any love.

So I can't believe 2011 is almost over. It feels like I was just trying to come up with a song for the year and think of resolutions and things I wanted to accomplish this year. I had a lot of high hopes and expectations for this year, and looking back, I feel like none of my goals were realized. I didn't find love, at least not as far as a relationship goes. I didn't meet any of the people that I wanted to meet.

But at the same time, a lot of beautiful things happened. It's been a long year, despite how fast it went by, and so I've had to do some digging to remember all the wonderful things I did this year. Last spring, I got to spend more time with my Biggy and fall more in love with her.

In the Spring, I also met my Twinny, and at the time I probably would've never guessed how close we would become. In March, I got to see Bright Eyes for the first time, and I have been listening to him for like five or six years, so that was amazing. He played Poison Oak which is my absolute favorite. If I had to tattoo any lyric on me, it would be and I never thought this life was possible, you're the yellowbird that I've been waiting for. I didn't get to meet him, and that was one of the only two concerts I went to this year, but it was incredible.

This summer, I saw Taylor again on the Speak Now tour, and it was the most sparkly, magical night of my life. I still didn't get to meet her, but so many people there kept double-taking and telling me that I really do look like her and that always makes me so happy, it is the best compliment I could ever receive. Since she is the most perfect person in the universe.

Over the summer, I also started horseback riding again and hanging out at barns with my neighbor, Elizabeth. And oh, how I have missed being around horses. I can't wait until I am older and have my own. At the beginning of the summer, I got to spend a lot of time with my Twinny since she lives close to me, and my Gbig came down to visit us for a couple days. And then at the end of the summer, I got to go back to Jacksonville. The city where my heart is. It was a long train ride for a really short trip, but it was worth it.

This Fall, I got to take Ballet again. I have officially been dancing for over a year now. And I finally feel like I can call myself a dancer. I wouldn't be where I am now if Miss Keltie hadn't given me the strength and courage to jump in headfirst and take Ballet last fall; my first dance class ever. And then in the Spring, I took Jazz I. Now, I am stronger and I got to perform onstage again, in our school's dance concert. Being backstage in the theatre, getting ready surrounded by other dancers, was one of my favorite experiences.

For Halloween, I was black swan/white swan, and this was a goal of mine all year so I am so glad that it was realized. It took me two hours to get ready, and there were still things that could've been done better (if I had better make-up that actually worked properly) and the evening's festivities were a bit of a let down, but it was still so much fun to pretend to be a ballerina for a night.

This semester, semi-formal fell on the same weekend as family weekend, so I got to bring my little sister as my date. And Biggy and I matched, which I of course loved. (Just like the time we accidentally matched when dressing up for my initiation into an English honors society. And all the times we unknowingly wore our big/little shirts on the same day.)

I went on an immersion trip with my sisters, and got to spend a weekend working with Habitat for Humanity for the first time. It was such a humbling and valuable experience. Hours of physical labor as volunteer service work was such a great way to clear my head and stop worrying about all the school things that were stressing me out, even if only temporarily.

And finally, I survived the busiest, most stressful semester of my life. And barely managed a B in French, again. So I am pretty proud of myself for that. Just yesterday I got the amazing news that I was one of two students chosen for an LGBT advocacy internship in Washington, D.C. next summer, fully funded through my school. So I will spend 8 weeks of next summer taking classes at American University and working at an organization of my choice.

In short, I am so grateful for how blessed I have been and all the magical experiences I was given this year.

I still don't know what love means.

I love this girl so much. Being on break makes me miss her. If I go to Paris for a semester, I don't know what I'll do without her. Miss her every single day, probably.

if the right one came along --

in times like these, i just have to keep reminding myself that what is meant to happen, will happen. and timing is everything. i just have to be patient. i have been patient, for two whole semesters. because i have waited so long, my reward is going to be greater, in the end. i am already so blessed, and whatever comes next, it is going to be hard to top that. to top what i have now. because what i have now is perfect.



ps. i love this trend of us actually making time for each other. can we please continue it?

manifest wall

what will you do?