A Girl and Her Tree

The girl was not looking for anything when she found her tree. She was not looking because she was already in the woods and thought that was where she was supposed to be. And when are we ever actively looking for it when we finally get something? We are not. Because we can’t know what we need, until it is already there.

And so, the girl found herself unawares when the tree appeared in front of her suddenly, as though by chance. But what the universe has in store for us is never by chance. The tree appeared in front of her, and she found what she didn’t even know she needed. What she didn’t even know she was waiting for.

The girl wound herself around the roots of the tree, and in return the tree sheltered her. Its leaves covered her and its branches protected her, keeping the demons at bay. And it was in this way that they grew together, each one strengthened by the presence of the other.

When the winds of a hurricane try to rip the tree from the ground, it is the girl that binds it to the earth. And when it storms, the leaves of the tree keep the raindrops from falling on the girl’s head but let only the sunlight through to reach her and warm her skin. Because they love each other.

And the girl is happy.

So as we all know the universe works in crazy, magical, inexplicable ways and gives us things not necessarily in the exact moment we ask for them, but instead when we least expect it and only when we are truly ready to be given what we want. Because the universe knows what is best for us, even when we don't know what is best for ourselves.

For the last few years, I thought I was ready to be given someone to love, someone who would love back, so much so that there were times where I was all but staring out into the universe and screaming, where is my person and why am I still alone? Every time I noticed how much I had grown, how much stronger and happier with myself I felt, I wondered why I had not yet earned love. Did I not deserve it? Was I being made to wait forever? I didn't understand it, but I was still hopeful with the knowledge that something would have to happen one day.

In the last year, I finally gave up on waiting around. Instead of focusing on the loneliness, I turned my focus fully and intentionally elsewhere. I wanted to be able to focus on my work and my plans for the future and my career, to be able to travel at will without any strings tying me to one specific place, to worry about no one other than myself. To continue enjoying the independence while it lasts.

And so of course, this is when the universe decided, in a magic little twist of fate so quick I could have blinked and missed it, to put someone in front of me. I never saw it coming. Even meeting and talking for a few brief moments could never have prepared me for what we would become. And how suddenly it would happen. We didn't even know each other's names. And now, we have this. Now we have so much.

I don't think I will ever understand it.

song of the year

I think my song for 2014 is going to be CP's "Human". I will probably need the reminder that I am just a little human, that I can't do everything. That it is okay to break open and feel vulnerable. That it is okay to let someone in. That I don't have to protect myself so forcefully.

Next year I want to be more brave. I want to practice courage. I want to break myself open and let the people who love me all the way in. I want to break open so that I can let someone into my heart. And hopefully they will be gentle with it.

songs of the years

for the last few years, around december 31/january 1 I have taken time to reflect on what I want the next calendar year to look like and who I want to be and what I want out of it, and then tried to choose a song that would represent that coming year for me. these are the songs I chose for the last few years.

• 2010 - Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson
• 2011 - We're All In This Together by Ben Lee
• 2012 - To Whom It May Concern by the Civil Wars
• 2013 - Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding

I think next year's is going to be Human by Christina Perri. more on that, later.

My Biggest Inspiration

Is Keltie Knight (formerly Keltie Colleen). She is an individual who has shaped so much of who I am today. Tonight, I am feeling especially grateful for her. Every day I wear my "courage passion hard work" mantra cuff because it has become a habit, a given, a reflex. Everyone else probably thinks they are just words on my wrist, and even I don't give it deep thought every time that I put it on but when pressed, I would tell you that it means so much more to me. It goes so much deeper than just those four words. It is representative of who Keltie is and who she has helped me become and what she has given me -- a lot more than just that bracelet and a few t-shirts and a book and two signed posters. She has given me a sense of self. She has made me better and kinder. She has shared amazing music and books and words that have inspired me. Not to mention the fact that she gave me one of my other (three) most inspiring people, Christina Perri.

I dance, because of Keltie. Because she taught me to appreciate the art and showed me how beautiful it is, and then when I felt compelled to do it myself but scared to try, for the very first time, at 18 years old -- she gave me courage and told me to just do it. So I took ballet for the first time. And I've kept on dancing for the last four years.

I am kinder, because of Keltie. I do my best every day to not only find the good (however small it may seem) in every thing that happens to me, but also to practice putting only goodness and kindness out into the universe. Because we are all confused little humans who deserve kindness and understanding, and you never know what is going to come back around to you. Or how far what you say and do is going to go in the world. And the world has enough ugliness and meanness without my contributing to it.

There are probably a million more things I could say, but tonight I am feeling especially lucky because not only is this girl a shining light in my life who inspires me and makes me better, but I get to feel connected to her. To my hero. Even though we have never met in person (yet!!) we have spoken through the computer, through the internets, and even face-to-face over a webchat type thing once! She has given advice and kind words directly to my naive, searching self. And the fact that I can feel at all connected to and acknowledged by someone so important to me, is amazing. The fact that I can almost, just barely, call her my friend. It blows my mind.

If I could have lunch, or coffee, or dance through the park with anyone in the world -- it would probably be her. She would be such a great friend to have. I am so thankful for what she has already given me.

songs to dance to at my one day, future wedding

such great heights - iron & wine

you give me something - james morrison
first day of my life - bright eyes
poison oak - bright eyes
wedding dress - matt nathanson
angel - matt nathanson
a thousand years - christina perri
arms - christina perri

things to remember

"I just googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?”. 


I'm not even sure what my dreams are anymore? I am seriously questioning if I ever loved dancing. I think I might have just been in love with the music I got to dance to. In love with the musicians that played that music. I loved writing and wanted to be a writer until I realized that most of the time people just want you to write for free, and that writing is actually a hobby. Like doing crafts. Or jogging.

....

Last night I googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?” in hopes that the information superhighway that usually tells me everything would have the answer to this question. It didn't. It did however, know how to make a chocolate cake from scratch."

-Keltie Colleen

my writing goals

1. Get published by HelloGiggles and/or Thought Catalog
2. Get an MFA in Creative Writing
3. Be part of Winter With The Writers
4. Teach at Rollins
5. Get something published in print, in ink. Something that I can physically hold.

Oh no, not anymore.

Now that there are 686.9 miles between us, it is easier to let you go. All of the distance and time that separates us makes it easier. I've had nine months to get over the eight months that I spent in love with you. I thought I would never get to this point. I thought you would have my heart in a headlock forever. But I've finally done it. I've moved on. I really, honestly don't care anymore. I'm ready for the next great heartadventure that the universe sends my way. Bring it on, universe. I can take it. My heart can take it.

This is the first day of my life.

So. I am in another new city. I have relocated to Tennessee for the next twelve months (at least) to serve as an AmeriCorps Vista. I am living in Nashville and working in Columbia. I've been here for five days now, and the city has been wonderful. I am living with a friend, so it is less lonely and infinitely more fun. I can't wait to see more of the city and fall in love with it. My work days during the week last from 8am-6pm, including the long drive to Columbia. Hopefully next week I will have more to do at work once school starts and the kids are actually here, at the Boys and Girls Club, after school. Because right now, it's pretty bleak. And silent. 

I don't think I am very well suited to a desk job. Especially one with very little (or mundane) work to do. I will have to figure that one out, what I am going to do long-term. Especially if I want to stay in non-profits for a while longer. Sitting at a computer all day is not very gratifying.

and everything about you

It just started pouring rain, and I am sitting alone in my dark room with green tea, listening to this song and feeling impossibly lonely. It's such a waste to grow up lonely. And I am tired of never having a hand to hold. Never having someone to make happy and to make me happy. Someone to kiss. Someone who is actually thinking of me at the exact moment that I am thinking of them. How much longer do I have to go on this way? How much longer do I have to continue on with nothing but blind faith in the universe?

You've got my heart in a headlock.

ouchouchouchouch. How am I supposed to look at you? It hurts too much and looking at you doesn't make me want to smile anymore, so sorry if I don't. You don't make an effort, so why should I? I just can't deal with you and how you are still the most beautiful person in my universe. I don't want to think that anymore, but I do. I still do.

Me and my stupid pride.

All I need is lost in the abyss, hiding somewhere out in the universe where I can't find it. I need someone to reach back and fight for me and hold on tightly. Someone that I reach for to reach back, for once in my life. What do I do?

Words, they never feel the same when you hear them over time.

I didn't tell you or show you how I felt, because I didn't want to mess up or lose our friendship -- and now we don't have much of a friendship anyways. I should've known. I should've taken a risk and just jumped. I got so far in that there was no other possible option for us. And so now we have nothing. You say hi to me for the first time in months and I just want to run away and ignore how you make my heart feel, still. To throw myself onto my bed and cry.

it's time to say goodbye/ and start over.

He was headed west from the Cumberland Gap

I have had the most amazing year, full of new cities and life-changing experiences and meeting new people and learning new languages. Two months of my summer working and living and partying in Washington, DC. Three and a half months of the fall living and studying in Paris. Visiting London for a few days. Spring Break spent hiking and building trails in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee with the greatest group of people ever. I love embracing a change of scenery and living as fully as I possible can, and I love how much I have grown as a result of this incredible year and all the travelling, but it makes coming home bittersweet.

At the end of it all, I am left with more cities to miss, more friends and families and mentors that I don't know if I'll ever see again. My friends and workfamily in DC. My Russian sister in Paris. My fellow Hollins girls in Paris. My host family. My French professors. Spending 24/7 with my Tennessee family, our band of fools, for an entire week. The mountains. Paris in the rain. Walking home alone in DC at 2am. Lunches with my coworkers. Seeing snow for the very first time in Tennessee. Our perfect day off in Chattanooga. Thrift shopping together.

All of a sudden, I miss everyone.

I'm a ghost, haunting these halls.

I carved out a space for you in my heart, and now I don't have anything to fill it with. It's just empty. I don't even see you anymore. It's like you disappeared. Which is probably good for me, to get over it all, but it's still strange. I miss your laugh.

I am obsessed with this song. But the video made me cry the first time. Fair warning.

January First, 2013

I am sitting listening to The Blues by Switchfoot, as I do every single January 1st, and am so impossibly grateful for the year I've had. And while the new year is frightening, and my life is about to change entirely, I do have hope. And I know that if it gets too hard, I will always be surrounded by the best family a girl could ask for, and that every single one of my beautiful sisters are there for me. This year -- at least for the first part of it -- I am going to focus on rebalancing myself and finding my center and becoming stronger. I gave so much love this year, and now I need to take some time to myself to figure out my future and get my heart back to full capacity so that I will be ready the next time the universe puts someone in front of me who I decide to give a piece of my heart.

My last few days of 2012 were beautifully full, spent reunited with my little, and so I did not have time to sit down and ponder and reflect and mourn the end of the year, or try too hard to come up with my song for 2013. But in return, I got a wonderful New Years Eve and four sister kisses at midnight. And then while roadtripping home with two of my bests today, I intended to put my iPod on shuffle to see what came up first, to try and come up with a song for 2013. But the moment I turned it on, the song was already there. It was there all along these past three days. And it is perfect.

 

So positive and filled with hope, because anything could happen and I know it will, I know this year will take me by surprise. But at the same time I am moving on and letting go, because I don't think I need you. It's been a long year, and now it's over.

Like it never happened and we were nothing.

Even when I was in the thick of it, of being in love with you, for some reason this song spoke to me -- maybe the passion of it -- and I would  be in my room screaming the words at the top of my lungs, to you. Singing to you out my window. But it isn't a song for someone in love and deeply hopeful. I put it on your playlist anyways. The playlist I made for my heart, when it was in love with you.

Now, eight or nine months later, after making my heart let go, this song finally makes sense. I was listening to your playlist last night and it took me right back, but this song is how my heart feels now. It feels like you don't exist anymore, like there is nothing left in that space where my hope for us used to exist. Like I imagined all of it, every little moment.

I have no idea what is going to happen, when we are both back at school together. When I am in your vicinity again. I hope my heart will be strong enough.

Les Gratitudes

I am thankful for all of the blessings I was given this year -- spending the summer in DC, the fall in Paris -- because they have truly made me a different person. My view of the world has widened. I am thankful for being given the chance to care about someone so ardently this year, even if nothing came of it. I am thankful for green tea with mint and scarves and Paris during Christmastime. I am thankful for the new friends I have made this year, and the new family I gained. I am thankful for the Lumineers. I am thankful for finally getting to meet the wonderful Christina Perri this year, however brief it was. I am thankful for getting to have a face-to-face conversation with Keltie Colleen, even if it was through a webchat on the internet. I am thankful for every single person in my life. I am thankful for finding my perfect little this year. I am thankful for summer days spent with my twinny, before we both left our homes.

Won't stop till it's over.

I feel like I have spent this entire year floundering and at a loss as to what to do next, and not really receiving much assistance from the universe. I have put so many questions out into the infinite abyss and asked for guidance countless times, and I feel like nothing has changed. I still haven't found the signs that should be in front of me. The only thing the universe has placed in front of me, is people that I can want desperately only to never get to wrap my hands around them and take what I want. I don't know what to do anymore. I am reduced to spending the rest of this year getting over yet another girl I couldn't have.