my writing goals

1. Get published by HelloGiggles and/or Thought Catalog
2. Get an MFA in Creative Writing
3. Be part of Winter With The Writers
4. Teach at Rollins
5. Get something published in print, in ink. Something that I can physically hold.

Oh no, not anymore.

Now that there are 686.9 miles between us, it is easier to let you go. All of the distance and time that separates us makes it easier. I've had nine months to get over the eight months that I spent in love with you. I thought I would never get to this point. I thought you would have my heart in a headlock forever. But I've finally done it. I've moved on. I really, honestly don't care anymore. I'm ready for the next great heartadventure that the universe sends my way. Bring it on, universe. I can take it. My heart can take it.

This is the first day of my life.

So. I am in another new city. I have relocated to Tennessee for the next twelve months (at least) to serve as an AmeriCorps Vista. I am living in Nashville and working in Columbia. I've been here for five days now, and the city has been wonderful. I am living with a friend, so it is less lonely and infinitely more fun. I can't wait to see more of the city and fall in love with it. My work days during the week last from 8am-6pm, including the long drive to Columbia. Hopefully next week I will have more to do at work once school starts and the kids are actually here, at the Boys and Girls Club, after school. Because right now, it's pretty bleak. And silent. 

I don't think I am very well suited to a desk job. Especially one with very little (or mundane) work to do. I will have to figure that one out, what I am going to do long-term. Especially if I want to stay in non-profits for a while longer. Sitting at a computer all day is not very gratifying.

and everything about you

It just started pouring rain, and I am sitting alone in my dark room with green tea, listening to this song and feeling impossibly lonely. It's such a waste to grow up lonely. And I am tired of never having a hand to hold. Never having someone to make happy and to make me happy. Someone to kiss. Someone who is actually thinking of me at the exact moment that I am thinking of them. How much longer do I have to go on this way? How much longer do I have to continue on with nothing but blind faith in the universe?

You've got my heart in a headlock.

ouchouchouchouch. How am I supposed to look at you? It hurts too much and looking at you doesn't make me want to smile anymore, so sorry if I don't. You don't make an effort, so why should I? I just can't deal with you and how you are still the most beautiful person in my universe. I don't want to think that anymore, but I do. I still do.

Me and my stupid pride.

All I need is lost in the abyss, hiding somewhere out in the universe where I can't find it. I need someone to reach back and fight for me and hold on tightly. Someone that I reach for to reach back, for once in my life. What do I do?

Words, they never feel the same when you hear them over time.

I didn't tell you or show you how I felt, because I didn't want to mess up or lose our friendship -- and now we don't have much of a friendship anyways. I should've known. I should've taken a risk and just jumped. I got so far in that there was no other possible option for us. And so now we have nothing. You say hi to me for the first time in months and I just want to run away and ignore how you make my heart feel, still. To throw myself onto my bed and cry.

it's time to say goodbye/ and start over.