and everything about you

It just started pouring rain, and I am sitting alone in my dark room with green tea, listening to this song and feeling impossibly lonely. It's such a waste to grow up lonely. And I am tired of never having a hand to hold. Never having someone to make happy and to make me happy. Someone to kiss. Someone who is actually thinking of me at the exact moment that I am thinking of them. How much longer do I have to go on this way? How much longer do I have to continue on with nothing but blind faith in the universe?

You've got my heart in a headlock.

ouchouchouchouch. How am I supposed to look at you? It hurts too much and looking at you doesn't make me want to smile anymore, so sorry if I don't. You don't make an effort, so why should I? I just can't deal with you and how you are still the most beautiful person in my universe. I don't want to think that anymore, but I do. I still do.

Me and my stupid pride.

All I need is lost in the abyss, hiding somewhere out in the universe where I can't find it. I need someone to reach back and fight for me and hold on tightly. Someone that I reach for to reach back, for once in my life. What do I do?

Words, they never feel the same when you hear them over time.

I didn't tell you or show you how I felt, because I didn't want to mess up or lose our friendship -- and now we don't have much of a friendship anyways. I should've known. I should've taken a risk and just jumped. I got so far in that there was no other possible option for us. And so now we have nothing. You say hi to me for the first time in months and I just want to run away and ignore how you make my heart feel, still. To throw myself onto my bed and cry.

it's time to say goodbye/ and start over.

He was headed west from the Cumberland Gap

I have had the most amazing year, full of new cities and life-changing experiences and meeting new people and learning new languages. Two months of my summer working and living and partying in Washington, DC. Three and a half months of the fall living and studying in Paris. Visiting London for a few days. Spring Break spent hiking and building trails in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee with the greatest group of people ever. I love embracing a change of scenery and living as fully as I possible can, and I love how much I have grown as a result of this incredible year and all the travelling, but it makes coming home bittersweet.

At the end of it all, I am left with more cities to miss, more friends and families and mentors that I don't know if I'll ever see again. My friends and workfamily in DC. My Russian sister in Paris. My fellow Hollins girls in Paris. My host family. My French professors. Spending 24/7 with my Tennessee family, our band of fools, for an entire week. The mountains. Paris in the rain. Walking home alone in DC at 2am. Lunches with my coworkers. Seeing snow for the very first time in Tennessee. Our perfect day off in Chattanooga. Thrift shopping together.

All of a sudden, I miss everyone.

I'm a ghost, haunting these halls.

I carved out a space for you in my heart, and now I don't have anything to fill it with. It's just empty. I don't even see you anymore. It's like you disappeared. Which is probably good for me, to get over it all, but it's still strange. I miss your laugh.

I am obsessed with this song. But the video made me cry the first time. Fair warning.

January First, 2013

I am sitting listening to The Blues by Switchfoot, as I do every single January 1st, and am so impossibly grateful for the year I've had. And while the new year is frightening, and my life is about to change entirely, I do have hope. And I know that if it gets too hard, I will always be surrounded by the best family a girl could ask for, and that every single one of my beautiful sisters are there for me. This year -- at least for the first part of it -- I am going to focus on rebalancing myself and finding my center and becoming stronger. I gave so much love this year, and now I need to take some time to myself to figure out my future and get my heart back to full capacity so that I will be ready the next time the universe puts someone in front of me who I decide to give a piece of my heart.

My last few days of 2012 were beautifully full, spent reunited with my little, and so I did not have time to sit down and ponder and reflect and mourn the end of the year, or try too hard to come up with my song for 2013. But in return, I got a wonderful New Years Eve and four sister kisses at midnight. And then while roadtripping home with two of my bests today, I intended to put my iPod on shuffle to see what came up first, to try and come up with a song for 2013. But the moment I turned it on, the song was already there. It was there all along these past three days. And it is perfect.

 

So positive and filled with hope, because anything could happen and I know it will, I know this year will take me by surprise. But at the same time I am moving on and letting go, because I don't think I need you. It's been a long year, and now it's over.