A Girl and Her Tree

The girl was not looking for anything when she found her tree. She was not looking because she was already in the woods and thought that was where she was supposed to be. And when are we ever actively looking for it when we finally get something? We are not. Because we can’t know what we need, until it is already there.

And so, the girl found herself unawares when the tree appeared in front of her suddenly, as though by chance. But what the universe has in store for us is never by chance. The tree appeared in front of her, and she found what she didn’t even know she needed. What she didn’t even know she was waiting for.

The girl wound herself around the roots of the tree, and in return the tree sheltered her. Its leaves covered her and its branches protected her, keeping the demons at bay. And it was in this way that they grew together, each one strengthened by the presence of the other.

When the winds of a hurricane try to rip the tree from the ground, it is the girl that binds it to the earth. And when it storms, the leaves of the tree keep the raindrops from falling on the girl’s head but let only the sunlight through to reach her and warm her skin. Because they love each other.

And the girl is happy.

So as we all know the universe works in crazy, magical, inexplicable ways and gives us things not necessarily in the exact moment we ask for them, but instead when we least expect it and only when we are truly ready to be given what we want. Because the universe knows what is best for us, even when we don't know what is best for ourselves.

For the last few years, I thought I was ready to be given someone to love, someone who would love back, so much so that there were times where I was all but staring out into the universe and screaming, where is my person and why am I still alone? Every time I noticed how much I had grown, how much stronger and happier with myself I felt, I wondered why I had not yet earned love. Did I not deserve it? Was I being made to wait forever? I didn't understand it, but I was still hopeful with the knowledge that something would have to happen one day.

In the last year, I finally gave up on waiting around. Instead of focusing on the loneliness, I turned my focus fully and intentionally elsewhere. I wanted to be able to focus on my work and my plans for the future and my career, to be able to travel at will without any strings tying me to one specific place, to worry about no one other than myself. To continue enjoying the independence while it lasts.

And so of course, this is when the universe decided, in a magic little twist of fate so quick I could have blinked and missed it, to put someone in front of me. I never saw it coming. Even meeting and talking for a few brief moments could never have prepared me for what we would become. And how suddenly it would happen. We didn't even know each other's names. And now, we have this. Now we have so much.

I don't think I will ever understand it.

song of the year

I think my song for 2014 is going to be CP's "Human". I will probably need the reminder that I am just a little human, that I can't do everything. That it is okay to break open and feel vulnerable. That it is okay to let someone in. That I don't have to protect myself so forcefully.

Next year I want to be more brave. I want to practice courage. I want to break myself open and let the people who love me all the way in. I want to break open so that I can let someone into my heart. And hopefully they will be gentle with it.

songs of the years

for the last few years, around december 31/january 1 I have taken time to reflect on what I want the next calendar year to look like and who I want to be and what I want out of it, and then tried to choose a song that would represent that coming year for me. these are the songs I chose for the last few years.

• 2010 - Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson
• 2011 - We're All In This Together by Ben Lee
• 2012 - To Whom It May Concern by the Civil Wars
• 2013 - Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding

I think next year's is going to be Human by Christina Perri. more on that, later.

My Biggest Inspiration

Is Keltie Knight (formerly Keltie Colleen). She is an individual who has shaped so much of who I am today. Tonight, I am feeling especially grateful for her. Every day I wear my "courage passion hard work" mantra cuff because it has become a habit, a given, a reflex. Everyone else probably thinks they are just words on my wrist, and even I don't give it deep thought every time that I put it on but when pressed, I would tell you that it means so much more to me. It goes so much deeper than just those four words. It is representative of who Keltie is and who she has helped me become and what she has given me -- a lot more than just that bracelet and a few t-shirts and a book and two signed posters. She has given me a sense of self. She has made me better and kinder. She has shared amazing music and books and words that have inspired me. Not to mention the fact that she gave me one of my other (three) most inspiring people, Christina Perri.

I dance, because of Keltie. Because she taught me to appreciate the art and showed me how beautiful it is, and then when I felt compelled to do it myself but scared to try, for the very first time, at 18 years old -- she gave me courage and told me to just do it. So I took ballet for the first time. And I've kept on dancing for the last four years.

I am kinder, because of Keltie. I do my best every day to not only find the good (however small it may seem) in every thing that happens to me, but also to practice putting only goodness and kindness out into the universe. Because we are all confused little humans who deserve kindness and understanding, and you never know what is going to come back around to you. Or how far what you say and do is going to go in the world. And the world has enough ugliness and meanness without my contributing to it.

There are probably a million more things I could say, but tonight I am feeling especially lucky because not only is this girl a shining light in my life who inspires me and makes me better, but I get to feel connected to her. To my hero. Even though we have never met in person (yet!!) we have spoken through the computer, through the internets, and even face-to-face over a webchat type thing once! She has given advice and kind words directly to my naive, searching self. And the fact that I can feel at all connected to and acknowledged by someone so important to me, is amazing. The fact that I can almost, just barely, call her my friend. It blows my mind.

If I could have lunch, or coffee, or dance through the park with anyone in the world -- it would probably be her. She would be such a great friend to have. I am so thankful for what she has already given me.

songs to dance to at my one day, future wedding

such great heights - iron & wine

you give me something - james morrison
first day of my life - bright eyes
poison oak - bright eyes
wedding dress - matt nathanson
angel - matt nathanson
a thousand years - christina perri
arms - christina perri

things to remember

"I just googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?”. 


I'm not even sure what my dreams are anymore? I am seriously questioning if I ever loved dancing. I think I might have just been in love with the music I got to dance to. In love with the musicians that played that music. I loved writing and wanted to be a writer until I realized that most of the time people just want you to write for free, and that writing is actually a hobby. Like doing crafts. Or jogging.

....

Last night I googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?” in hopes that the information superhighway that usually tells me everything would have the answer to this question. It didn't. It did however, know how to make a chocolate cake from scratch."

-Keltie Colleen